Does the overwhelm of the holidays ever force you to choose between going all in, or doing nothing at all? Maybe you’re somewhere in the middle, but overcomplicating it for yourself and not even enjoying any of your traditions, or the relationships around you. Today Brooke Romney joins me to discuss the importance of simplifying holiday traditions.
Brooke shares her insights on the challenges of overcomplicating the holiday season and how she has navigated this in her own family. Some specific examples of simple yet meaningful holiday traditions, are their “Best Lights Award,” a candy bar gift exchange, and a dollar store gift exchange.
We lean into the value of creating traditions that align with the core values and feelings each family member associates with the holiday season. Brooke also encourages you to communicate with your family members to identify what makes Christmas feel special to each individual and overall, offers practical tips and inspiring ideas for creating a more joyful and simplified holiday experience
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica Packer: Brooke Romney, welcome to About Progress.
Brooke Romney: Thank you, Monica. I’m so excited we finally get a chance to chat.
Monica Packer: Well, not only am I excited, my whole family is. All of my kids are huge fans of you because of first Modern Manners for Teens and now Modern Manners for Kids. It’s a staple in our home. It’s on our counter at all times.
At least one of them we kind of rotate and then it’s a dinner conversation too. And not only just that, but all that you do online and, and, and your book as well that I absolutely adored. There’s so much we can talk about, but We decided to just have a little bit of fun today because we need a little bit of that right now, especially as we’re heading into the holidays and it can be really overcomplicated and unnecessarily so, and we’re gonna talk about how to simplify it all.
So let’s start with overcomplication though first. Like why do you think we do this to ourselves and have you done this to yourself?
Brooke Romney: Oh, absolutely. So this is something that I actually feel really passionate about because, and you are the same way, but one of the things that I realized a few years into motherhood is Was that I didn’t want to just be the orchestrator of all of the family’s fun and all of the family’s tradition.
I want to be a participant. I wanted to get the joy and the fun out of all the things my family was doing. I just didn’t want to be a bystander. And so that has really been a motivator for me. And there are times when my choice. And my fun is being an orchestrator and I’m okay with that. Um, but there’s a lot of times when I want to, to be a part of it and not just be the person, you know, being facilitating everything.
Um, and I think, I don’t know, I think as moms, there’s a few things at play. Um, one can just be our desire because we just love our family so much to, to give them something very magical, you know, to give them something that’s just incredible and magical and And something they want to remember and talk about.
And I think we put a lot of pressure on ourself to create those memories. Um, and I think, you know, with social media or Pinterest, or even hearing about what our other, what our friends are doing, if you’re someone who is like a high achiever, you’re like, well, that sounds great. Let’s incorporate that. Oh yeah.
We haven’t done enough service this year. Let’s incorporate that. And so I think we kind of start to pile all these ideas on that are really good. They’re good ideas. They’re fun things. Um, without really recognizing the capacity that we have to do that and to also enjoy our holiday.
Monica Packer: So right off the bat, you are pinpointing something I didn’t even realize why I get so overwhelmed going into the holidays.
And you’re right. It’s because I feel a lot of the burden to orchestrate all of the memories, all the traditions, all the service, all the fun. And I didn’t totally take that into account that that’s a huge part of it, including that I can be a participant. And so, does that mean we, I mean, how does it look then?
Are we giving other people different responsibilities in our family? Are we just letting some things go?
Brooke Romney: Well, I think one of the things that has been really important to me is to figure out what’s working for our family at each stage. So I think probably the hardest time for me was that when I was holding on to all of the kids stuff, even though our family was transitioning, like feeling like I had to make that special.
And when you’re working with people who are transitioning out of a tradition and you’re trying to make them love it, that’s like 10 times the amount of work. And I have a really good example so that we, our family had a tradition that I just loved and it was called the marshmallow snowball fight. And we started it when we lived in Arizona, and it was hot, and so instead of having a snowball fight, we would throw marshmallows, and we would, like, those big marshmallows, and we would get all of our friends and neighbors together, and then we would have hot chocolate, and it was just this really fun memory.
We moved to Michigan, we did the same thing, we had neighbors and friends that thought it was so fun, and it was just kind of this way for me to, like, give back to the community, all the parents came, all the adults came, and we just had this great time, and my kids looked forward to it every year. We moved to Utah about 10 years ago, and my oldest was 12, and it was just kind of a different vibe in our neighborhood, people were really busy, there was a lot of stuff going on, and I was trying to recreate this tradition with older kids, and a different neighborhood, and I would bake all day, and I made this like, really delicious hot chocolate, and I spent all this money.
And people just weren’t that excited about it. Like no one was coming. I think partially like kids were getting older. So they were just sending their kids. So it was no longer like a connective experience for me. And I held onto it for like probably three or four years. And every year I would do it, I would just be disappointed.
Like it was so sad. And it wasn’t what I hoped it would be. And then my kids got a little less interested. And all of a sudden I realized, like, it was time to let that tradition go or to morph it. So what I did first was I really simplified it. So instead of inviting all the neighbors and making all the big treats and all those things, I did hot chocolate mix in a cooler outside.
We only invited kids and I got donuts. And I just let the kid like go in the backyard and make a gigantic mess and throw marshmallows at each other until it wasn’t fun anymore. And they filled hot chocolate and they put whipped cream in their mouths. And I just let that go. That tradition was no longer about me, but about creating something for the kids.
And it was just so much more fun with so much less disappointment. So really evaluating what are your traditions? Are they serving the purpose? Are people enjoying them? And are you enjoying them? Because if you’re not, I, I just feel like kids don’t really enjoy it if their mom’s mad the whole time. So really kind of figuring out like where that happy balance can be.
Monica Packer: This is such sound advice. I like that you actually started with one that you still continue to orchestrate. Or you did at least for some time. I know your, your kids are even older now, but you still orchestrated it, but you did it in a different way. You did it in a way that matched the season and matched the needs that meant the needs that you had and the desires you had for your for your kids.
And I was curious if you have another example about you as a participant, because, like I said, that’s something you’ve highlighted. I had never thought of
Brooke Romney: before. Well, what I realized is that I There are things that I love to participate in. I, I didn’t want to necessarily always be throwing the marshmallows, but I love participating in the way that I was bringing people together, and I was chatting with the moms on the side, you know, so, so that was my way of participating in that one.
There’s other traditions that we do as a family, so one of them that I love that’s really simple, So I love like a big bang for your buck. So we do a best lights award and I have a printable on my website. We just cut it out and instead of just like looking at lights, either we drive or walk depending on what the weather is and we just walk around the neighborhood.
And when we really love a house that’s done a great job with their lights. We, you know, the first few years we made treats and then in the last few years I’ve just gone and gotten Christmas candy, like a good one, you know, like, uh, Dove Christmas chocolates or something and we just smack the little printable on the top of it and we give the award.
I love that because it hits all the boxes for me. So we’re doing service, we’re recognizing others and making them feel loved. I love being outside. So we’re outside. I love movement. We’re, you know, walking around the neighborhood. We’re together, if we’re in the car because it’s too cold, we’re listening to Christmas music and we’re having this together experience, but it actually only takes like 30 minutes.
And what I realized is sometimes as moms, we think we have to do this big gigantic thing to create a memory, but we can create a really fun, connective experience in 30 minutes. And then our kids can go off and hang out with their friends if they’re older. They can get to work, you know, if they’ve got a job.
I think we put so much pressure, like, Oh, well, we just can’t do anything. So and so has practice and so and so has music and so and so has to get to work. It’s like, do you have 30 minutes on a Sunday afternoon? Could you walk around? You know, we don’t have to make things all day, all night. So big. This is a memory that we have.
This is something we do every year and it’s something my kids look forward to. And there’s really sweet people that if they catch us on their ring doorbell, they will say, thank you so much. That meant so much to us. We put so much effort into Christmas light. Then I read that to my kids. Hey, look at what this small act of service did and made somebody feel so good.
So. It’s really hitting all those things that are important to me as a mom, and we did it in 30 minutes instead of, you know, six
Monica Packer: hours. And that’s absolutely the goal of this conversation, to inspire some doable ways that people can have more family fun this, this holiday season. I, the both of those examples you shared are so good because you simplified something.
You know, it didn’t have to be like this huge version. I think a lot of people. Either get burned out, uh, because they’re trying to go so ornate or they wait on the sidelines. And it just might be helpful for us to just hit pause a little bit and just talk about briefly why this even matters. Like, why does it even matter that we have family fun?
And, and what does that mean for you? Uh, any kind of clarifying questions or guidance that you have for people on this?
Brooke Romney: Yes. I mean, I feel pretty passionate about this idea. And what I love to do with my family is before the holiday season starts, We just sit down and say, what is the one thing that makes Christmas feel like Christmas to you?
So we ask each child and I get to be a participant and so does my husband. So for me, Christmas feels like Christmas when we sing to the residents of a nursing home on Christmas Eve. That’s my thing. That’s what I want to do. And, and we all do it together. And because it’s my thing, the whole family figures out how to participate and participate.
Decently happily. And as a family, we say we’re going to make sure that everybody gets what feels like Christmas to them. And then as I think about the month, if we get those six things in, that’s a successful holiday season. Anything else is just a bonus. But if we get those six things in, then we have had the holiday each one of us wanted to have.
That takes a lot of pressure off me as a mom. And then also make sure that my kids are getting, you know, that’s what feels most magical to them. Doing a Christmas craft didn’t matter to one person in my family. And I didn’t like it either, but I was trying to orchestrate a Christmas craft every year.
Well, that was a waste of my time, especially because nobody even cared about it. So really sitting down and saying, What matters to you? What makes Christmas feel like Christmas? The other thing that that does for me is if somebody has one of those more ornate traditions, if somebody were to say a marshmallow snowball fight with our neighborhood makes Christmas feel like Christmas, then all of a sudden that changes things inside me that feels like Christmas to my kid.
So guess what? Even though it’s a little annoying and even though it can be disappointing, that work is worth it because that’s what Christmas means to them. I think it’s so helpful as a family to say, this is what matters to us. This is what we’re going to put our time into. This is what we’re going to put our energy into.
And this is also what we’re going to support each other in. So if one kid loves to go to the Nutcracker and no one else does, I have two suggestions for this. Either that’s the thing that makes it feel like Christmas and everyone goes together, or one of the things that I’ve found that’s really empowering is it’s okay for families to split up.
It’s okay for me to take the one kid to the Nutcracker that loves it. I have a one on one date where we both enjoy it, where the brothers aren’t making it a miserable experience for the rest of us. So, so that’s okay. It’s okay to do the one thing while other people are busy. Um, it’s okay if you have a growing family, then everybody can’t come.
One of the, there’s nothing more annoying. Then for the person in charge to be talking consistently about how they miss the people that aren’t there instead of focusing on the people that are there to enjoy the fun with you.
Monica Packer: Mm hmm. Oh, so true. And I, and I love this permission piece to it, starting with the feelings.
That’s been really relevant for me as I’m thinking about what habits and routines or systems we want as a family, because starting with those feelings is what helps me weed out the shoulds, because it gives me the lens to know, that’s a should I actually want. So I can choose that should, and that’s not one that we want because it doesn’t even match the way we want to feel.
So it kind of, it’s such a great way to delineate what’s, On your list and what’s not, and, and, and also give you ownership of the things you do choose that will still require some work and some effort. So with that being said, Brooke, this is now where I think we can share some more, I guess, just ideas.
This is like a resource list almost of doable ways that they can add some family fun to the holiday season. I know you’re full of ideas and I would love to hear them because I’m one of those people that make, please help me. I’m not too good at this and I want, I want to be, I want to be in many ways. So.
Brooke Romney: What would you say that’s probably the best part about the internet, right? Is other people and come up ideas for you. And then it’s really up to us to say, does that fit our family? Does that fit our time? Does that fit our budget? And so there’s a couple, um, overarching ideas. And then I’ll get into some specifics.
One of the things that I realize, um, my husband values variety. So sometimes the holiday season with all the tradition is a little small. Um, overwhelming and ho hum to him and got it and, and I love tradition. And so that was really interesting. I know you talk a lot about values and alignment and things like that.
So when I started understanding that the reason why my husband didn’t look forward to the holiday season like I did was because it just meant doing the same thing over and over. What we realized is instead of having to do the exact same thing every year, we can have categories of things we liked doing and then find the variety inside those categories.
So if we love music to be part of the holidays, we don’t have to go to this exact same musical performance every year. We can excitedly look for something new for our family to go to. I think I was worried that like, Oh, but I wanted that tradition and, and we realized it’s okay that music is a holiday tradition for us.
So that’s something just to think about instead of, you know, we have to do these exact same things, you know, maybe. open your mind as your kids get older, you know, maybe they don’t want to go see this certain Christmas plate. Maybe go see Elf this year instead because they’re going to laugh and that’s going to be a fun experience.
So, so be a little bit more open in, in your holiday planning. Um, the other thing that I love to do is how can we simplify what we love to do? Um, my kids favorite tradition, and sometimes we think it has to be so holiday, you know, but they love going to Benihana. And that’s like a Tumpin Yachty place. We only go there during the Christmas season.
Everyone dresses up. Then we go look at the candy windows after. It doesn’t mean that it’s not a good tradition because I didn’t put 1 million hours into it. It’s actually a lovely tradition because I didn’t, and we all just get to go and be participants and enjoy. And we really try to kind of hold that out as something special for the holidays where we don’t do it at other times of year so that it kind of stays feeling special and feeling holiday, even though it’s not necessarily a holiday, a holiday tradition.
Um, there’s a few other ideas that I love that are more specific. So I already shared about the best lights award. I love that one. So easy. Every family can do it. Doesn’t matter what the ages are. Another one that we love is instead of doing white elephants as like an extended family gift exchange, we do a candy bar gift exchange.
Where everybody just brings a candy bar or I’ve heard of people bringing like a box of cereal and you do still like the white elephant game whether you want to do like the pass to the right thing or roll the dice, but it makes it so much less stressful than going to find a gift that’s not useful for 5.
Yeah. Yes. So that’s fun. Or like so
Monica Packer: creative that everyone will
Brooke Romney: laugh. Yes. Like it just takes like no mom like wants to do that during the holiday season. Yes. And what I love about that, we actually in our family, we’ve made it kind of fun where we and in an extended family, we attach an envelope to it that either has a 1 bill, a 5 bill, a 20 bill, or a 50 bill.
And you keep the envelope stays with the candy bar. So as you pass it around, like you might have gotten a candy bar you wanted, but you might have let go of a 50 bill. So instead of spending all that money on white elephants, people can Venmo or bring cash or whatever you want to do. And it actually makes the game really exciting for all ages because who doesn’t want an extra 50 at Christmas?
So, so that’s like a fun tradition that actually simplifies things a lot for the parents or grandparents involved in orchestrating that. So I, I love that one. That’s a great one. One that we did growing up that we continued in my family was called, but some people call it secret Santa. We called it secret pal.
And each week in December, we draw a name of someone in our family and you’re in charge of being their secret Santa. So you do things like make their bed, pick up their toys, say extra nice things to them, see if mom will grab you their favorite treat at the store. And then you, at the end of the week, you say like who you had and then you switch names.
And what I love about this tradition is it really increases the love in our home and the kindness in our home during what can be kind of a stressful month for people. It helps us all look outwardly instead of just like me, me, me, you know, what, what can I want? What do I need? So I love that tradition.
That was one of my favorites growing up and one that we continued into my family. Another one that I love that’s very simple. If you have young kids. Um, a dollar store gift exchange. So one night before Christmas. We take all of our kids to the dollar store, we give them cash and they kind of like sneak around and they buy a gift for every person in the family, including mom and dad, and they go home and they wrap it themselves and I love watching the joy of giving for them.
They are so excited and we open those gifts on Christmas Eve because we don’t want them to be overshadowed by the big gifts that come on Christmas Day and to watch their love and excitement for each other and their gift and the hugs. And it’s the best. It is one of my favorite traditions with younger kids who are so excited about things.
from the dollar store, and it takes very little money on the parents part and also very little time, but creates a really fun, sweet tradition. As they get older, we do the same thing, but we have them draw names and we all go out shopping one Saturday together and either go to the mall or to Target where they find something fun for the brother that they’ve chosen.
Monica Packer: What I love so much about this is This shouldn’t be so revolutionary to me, but it is, and I’m sure there’s going to be some listeners who are the same as me. But even just the concept that you include the family in planning out what activities we’re going to do because it feels like Christmas for someone or just because that’s the kind of thing they love, whether it’s music or dance or movies, which is always a big one for us, we just love movies or food, you know, having those categories, but including the family out the gate, you know, so that way it’s not all on you.
To just come up with everything and to always be this kind of drill sergeant trying to make everyone have fun. So that’s huge to me. And the other thing too, is each thing that you just shared, they serve a purpose to me. They really go back to what is the bigger purpose, whether it’s service or the joy of giving like you shared, but even just having fun.
I mean, that can be the purpose. It’s just to have fun. Yeah. So those are those two things I think are my bigger takeaways. Like, okay, I’m going to take these ideas and alter them. But the bigger thing is, I’m going to start by including the family and also just making sure from there we’re having things that match the purpose.
It’s less about what we’re doing. It’s more about why we’re doing it.
Brooke Romney: Absolutely. I love that. And I think everyone has a different purpose and things that motivate them. And, and when you know what those are, like you said, then you get to enjoy the holiday too, especially when it’s not all on your shoulders.
Monica Packer: Well, okay. So I think what we’re going to be doing on Instagram the week this airs is we’re going to be asking for a lot of ideas from the community to like, what do you do in your family that help you feel how you want to feel what, what feelings that creates as a family or traditions that you’re carrying on that are meaningful to you.
So that way people can get more ideas. I would love to know though, is there a tradition that you are looking forward to this year in particular, because you mentioned, you know, families growing and dynamics changing your, your boys were little, then they were teens. Now they’re starting to be more young adults and adults and having their own families too.
I’m sure that creates some, some good shifts, but also like some, okay, so what are we going to do as a family this year? What are you looking forward to Brooke?
Brooke Romney: So one of my favorite, well, Benihana has now become one of my favorite traditions too just because everyone loves it so much and everyone’s just relaxed and enjoying their time.
But one of the things that I am looking forward to is we help with a community Christmas here and there’s a family that started it years ago and they bring, um, homeless families or families who are in need and they create a great Christmas experience for them where they get to go through and choose presents and get clothes and supplies.
They feed them lunch, and our family loves being a volunteer there. It feels like Christmas to us, and is a really great chance for us to be able to give. And also, simplifying it, right, where Um, we show up, we do the job that they asked us to do. We feel purposeful and like what we’re doing is very needed and necessary, um, and I also didn’t have to do the whole thing and find every family and do all that.
Like it’s something that we get to show up to and enjoy and connect with people and then also get a little bit of service in the, you know, while we’re there.
Monica Packer: And for those who do have little ones. Is there a tradition that it’s kind of faded out from your family a bit, but you still look back on, you’re like, I’m so glad we did that.
Brooke Romney: Yes. Um, I would probably say it’s that dollar store gift exchange. I cannot emphasize how special those moments were when the kids felt ownership and just that true joy of giving to each other. Um, I have all boys and so like they don’t hug a lot just because they want to. Without a doubt, every Christmas Eve, there were just these huge hugs and so much gratitude for each other.
And it was just, it was a great moment for me as a mom every year to realize like, okay. There’s a lot of love inside there. I
Monica Packer: adore hearing that. So, I, I’m just going to add in to some of the things we love to do. We, we do the secret kind of Santa or Pal thing. We call it Pixie in our family. We do it the whole month long.
But I like just doing it every week because I think we kind of, when we only have one person the whole month, we kind of forget. So, switching it up. That’s
Brooke Romney: awesome. I think that’s fun too.
Monica Packer: And I know we just, we love watching movies. So we watch a lot of Christmas movies and we go on a lot of drives and look at lights.
So that’s where I’m going to do the light award. You said you have a printable for that?
Brooke Romney: I do. Yeah. If you just Google Brooke Romney best light award, you can grab it and just download it and cut them out. It’s such a fun tradition that we continue to do even with older kids. And I just
Monica Packer: want to encourage people, like, you know, even in inheriting all these ideas, they all sound good.
And I want them all. And I’m sure they’re going to collect many more, uh, this week in our online community as well with Instagram. But it’s okay if you just choose one to start with, especially if… If it’s kind of a busier year, or, I mean, last year I remember I was at the tail end of a pregnancy that was really rough, and then I broke my finger, and then had all these heart problems, and, you know, different things just had to go out the window, and it was okay.
What mattered is that we were still going back to those feelings that we all needed to have together, and just being together, honestly, was a big part. So, Brooke, what is one small way you think listeners can act on what they’ve learned today?
Brooke Romney: Well, I think I gave my most important tip earlier on, which was get together as a family, find out the one thing that makes Christmas feel like Christmas to each person.
And then as a mom, look at the list of all the traditions and all the holiday things that you do and, and figure out which ones can be cut. Yeah. Which ones can be simplified and which ones you really want to lean into. Because if there’s one piece of advice that I would give is that kid, your kids will have such better memories.
Of the holidays that you enjoyed than the ones that you didn’t as a parent.
Monica Packer: Oh, so true. And you know, when I’m thinking back, my mom was incredible at traditions and she is so imaginative, creative, so accomplished and even decorations and And she loves throwing parties. I don’t. I feel a lot of anxiety. I get really nervous about that stuff.
I feel like I lost that part of the genetic makeup. It didn’t get passed along to me. But when I look back on my childhood, I don’t remember all the things. I remember the feelings. And I remember just being together, just like you shared, that’s, that is what matters. So we’ll make sure that’s the do something challenge this week is, is to have that conversation with your family and just get some clarity on what matters as a family.
So Brooke, I also want to make sure we share them, share with them wherever you would like them to go to connect more with you and your online community, which is so happening. I just love the women that comment on your posts and, and how intentional you are about everything you share online.
Brooke Romney: I’d love to send them there.
Yes, I am online at Brooke Romney Writes, and like you said, being part of this community is one of my biggest blessings. They are incredible women and parents, they’re open minded, they’re helpful, um, it’s rare to ever have somebody that says you’re doing it wrong. People are really supportive and, and understand how many ways people can do things right.
So I love being there. And
Monica Packer: we’d also want to have them check out your books, Modern Manners for Teens, and we’ve got the new one as well, Modern Manners for Kids, which I’m such a huge fan of. And by the way, I love to give these as Christmas gifts, not as hints. Because it’s not like, Hey, you need to work on this, but because we’ve enjoyed them so much as a family.
Brooke Romney: I love that. Yes. So those are all online on Amazon and I, I mean, I don’t think there is a better 20 gift out there than these books because they’re useful all year long. And can help change family behavior. So those are, um, on Amazon, if you’re in Utah, Idaho, or Arizona, the kids one is actually in Costco.
It makes me so
Monica Packer: happy whenever I see them, like, Oh, that’s my friend. So kind. I know someone who’s famous. Okay. Well, everything you do is just such a gift, a gift to me, a gift to my family. And. I appreciate you so much for taking the time to
Brooke Romney: be here today. Thank you so much, Monica. I love how you’re helping so many women figure out lives a little more simply, but with so much purpose.
So thanks for all you do. Okay, Brooke. I’ll
Monica Packer: stop here. Oh, that was so good.
And we’d also want to have them check out your books, The Modern Matter. I’m going to say this again. Modern manners for teens. And now there’s a new one, modern manner. I can’t talk today, Brooke. Let’s try again. It’s a lot. It’s a lot. No, it’s just my, my mouth.
