The Comparison Monster hijacks relationships, taints how we view our blessings, and prevents us from showing up for ourselves and others. If this is happening to you, you are not alone. I fall into the comparison trap often, and in this episode I’m illustrating an ongoing struggle with it that I’m facing.
I hope that you can visualize your own struggle right now and work through it alongside me in this episode. There are a few facts that we can’t change about comparison, but there are shifts within ourselves that we can control. I have four tips, with accompanying simple phrases, that will serve any of us trying to defeat the comparison monster.
Lastly, you’ll hear invaluable insight from other women in this community who answered my online call for advice. Don’t let this seem overwhelming, it really starts small to overcome all the negativity that the comparison monster brings. You can start by tuning in to this episode, then simply identifying the times in your life where you feel comparison sneaking in, then tackle more from there.
About a few other things…
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica: Welcome to about progress. I’m Monica packer, a regular mom and recovering perfectionist who uncover the truest model to dramatic, but lasting personal growth it’s progress made practical. Join us to leave the extremes behind and instead learn how to do something to grow in ways that. Do you find yourself in a constant shame and blame cycle because you fail at your habits.
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There is a monster, a mental monster that we all battle. And likely on the daily, this monster hijacks our relationships and it taints the way we view our blessings. It prevents us from showing up for ourselves and others and so much more. And it’s called the comparison monster. Well, it doesn’t actually have a name.
I just made that up. But as someone who has experienced this monster a lot in her life, and I know that you have too, I’ve decided it deserves a name, the comparison monster. Now I know I’m not alone in battling comparison because last year I did a survey of our listeners. and comparison was one of the most often answered needs that you have.
When I asked, what do you struggle with? A lot comparison came up over and over. I want to personally illustrate what this monster looks like by sharing a story of something that happened to me around this time last year.
Brad and I like to go on drives and you know, of course with the kids too, and some of the drives we go on, we call them covet drives because it’s not like straight up coveting, you know, but we like to drive around and look at other homes and we love to oggle. Honestly, I really love design. And we like to look at what people have done with their homes, no matter what the size, but oftentimes we drive by really big, very beautiful homes with very nice cars outside. And we know just with our own recent renovation, just how costly and out of reach those homes are for us. And we find ourselves saying to each other, when we come across like a really magnificent home rich people, right. Now, when we were living with my parents, we did a lot more of these drives.
It was just a good way for us to get out of the house when we were homeschooling. And it was still during the pandemic. And while we were doing that, we were especially interested because we were doing a renovation on our house, our 2,700 square foot house that was really old and needed a ton of work.
And one day I came to visit the house to check in on the work. And as I was walking around the rooms, I was accidentally overhearing a conversation between our electricians who were working really hard and they were talking to each other and I could hear them mumbling and kind of sharing things back and forth.
And then I heard them say this phrase, “Rich people, right?” And I was chuckling a little bit realizing, oh, that’s what Brad and I say to each other. But then as I continued to walk through and finish the rest of the conversation, I was overhearing, I realized they were talking. Us us like a, a family, barely making this renovation work.
And one that I thought seemed pretty modest in comparison to most homes around here. But I realized in that moment that I was someone else’s rich people.
We all know comparison doesn’t feel good. So let’s just actually start with some basic facts. We all know about comparison, but are nice to be reminded of the first I’ve thought of is the irony that’s built into comparison because the very same things that we find ourselves lacking in comparing to someone else’s abundance, others would see our lack.
And compare their lack to, to our perceived abundance. If that makes sense, you know, it’s always like the grass is greener on the other side, right? Whatever we feel like we are lacking and someone else thinks we are abundant in the second fact to me is that comparison comes at a cost. Whether it’s our self-esteem or our relationships or anything else you can think of.
There’s so many prices that we pay with comparison. And I find for women, a lot of what the cost looks like is us staying on the sidelines of our own lives. the third fact I wanted to bring up was that the root of comparison is judgment and that’s easy to overlook, but comparison wouldn’t be possible without judgment.
We judge others and we also are judging ourselves and the process. Comparison goes both ways. Like we compare our lack to other people’s abundance, but we also compare our abundance to other people’s lack too. Right. So depending on what position you place yourself within that comparison, either way there’s judgment there, either judgment of someone else or judgment of yourself, or oftentimes both in the fourth and final fact I wanted to bring up, although I’m sure there are many more is that we all do it.
Like any other human tendency, like procrastination, numbing, behavior, jealousy, and more comparison is simply part of our experience here. We can’t avoid comparison completely, but the good news is we do get to choose how we are going to deal with it when it comes up and also choose the level of control it’s going to carry in our lives.
I want you to know, I am not going to speak to you as an expert today because I am not someone who is totally rooted out comparison in her life. It’s still something I deal with, but I am coming today as someone who is in the trenches alongside of you, but has a few tools that could possibly help you because they’ve helped.
before I officially share those tools. I’m going to give you a stink peek of the first one. And let’s just start with awareness. You know, both broadly being aware of comparison, sneaking in is exactly how we can learn to step into it. And. Make some more choices, but also intimately, you know, I want you to right now think of a specific scenario where comparison is coming up for you.
And that way, when I share the tools, you’ll actually be able to apply it to something you have faced recently, or that you are going through right now. So can you do that for me? Can you think of a recent time where the comparison monster looped you in its chains? I’ll give you some prompts here.
Maybe that will help trigger some memories or even some things that are happening right now. They’re like, oh yes, this is comparison. Think about what has comparison prevented you from doing recently? What social gatherings have you avoided because of it? What hobbies have you denied yourself from trying, or that you’ve stopped pretty soon in.
What relationships have you put up walls within? What goals have you stopped because you compared your process with someone else’s outcome. So think of that. How is comparison controlling you? And that often is mental, right? I mean, it almost always is mental, but then as part of that, it changes the way we act too.
While you’re thinking of one, I’m going to share a recent encounter I had with the comparison monster. So in my church, I teach adult Sunday school and I love learning. And I typically love teaching, but I have found myself feeling really overwhelmed and anxious about this position in my church. I’m one of three teachers that teaches the adults and I’m the only woman.
The other two teachers have both been in major church leadership positions in the past. They’re both extremely brilliant, very successful businessmen. One is Ivy league educated, and I have found myself for the last year plus that I have had this role as a Sunday school teacher for the adults feeling very inadequate and very nervous and anxious about things more than I typically would.
And I finally realized one day it was because I was comparing myself to them. Now I’m gonna bring up this example and apply the tools to them in, in a little bit. But I have my scenario in mind. What’s yours. Hold on to that scenario. And now I will share my tools on how to better beat this comparison monster.
Now, since the comparison monster is more of a mental monster, the tools I’m gonna share with you are mental tools, but I want you to apply them by using a phrase that you can repeat to yourself. And it almost is like you going up a ladder with each of these tools and the phrases that I want you to say to yourself alongside them, the first tool is to start with awareness.
Now I already hinted to that. Right? So start with awareness of one comparison comes in the phrase. I want you to attach to this tool. I am comparing myself. That’s it. It’s just noticing those moments of comparison and being able to name it and call it out. I’m comparing myself. It’s that simple. Now there’s this phrase out there when you know, better, you can do better.
And to me that means you do things differently. So when you notice comparison, The biggest key there is to not shame the awareness, just accept that comparison’s going to happen. But when you are able to name comparison, it actually helps you be able to create some space to then step in and do something differently about it.
So again, that first tool is start with awareness and the phrase to go with it is I’m comparing myself. The second tool is to then after you notice, go deeper and really get real about what this comparison is about. And the phrase I want you to attach to this is this question that you can give to yourself.
What is this really about for me? like other emotions like anger, I believe comparison is often masking deeper emotions and struggles underneath the surface. So after you’ve noticed the comparison, when you ask yourself this next question of what is this really about for me? You’re allowing yourself to get at the roots of what’s truly behind the comparison.
Maybe you’ll be surprised by it. Like maybe you’ll notice, oh, I’m actually feeling insecure or I’m feeling superior to this person. And that feels good. Maybe the roots behind it will be fear. Fear of never having that thing you want. or sadness that you can’t, that your circumstances will prevent you from having or being that thing or that person that you want to be maybe it’s regret or even jealousy.
When I think about the Sunday school scenario, I brought up after I was able to notice it and I asked myself this question, what is this really about? For me, for me, I realized it was about me feeling worried that other people. In my church wouldn’t want to listen to me because they don’t see me as much of an expert or even someone worth listening to.
And this goes back to a really big story that I have told myself my whole life, that people just want me to sit down and shut up. It goes so much deeper. Right. Right. So we’ve covered the first two tools. Start with awareness. Go deeper. I’m going to share the next two after a quick break.
The third tool is to shift to abundance. I know people have a lot of thoughts about abundance. It can be taught in really weird ways, but I think having an abundant attitude and mindset about life really can be life changing. And the simple phrase you can attach to this tool is good for them. It starts by just being happy. For other people, no matter what position they’re in, whether they’re above you or below you, it’s being grateful for them.
And as part of that, it’s being grateful for you for what you have. So not only is it a good for them, it’s also a good for me. And when you have an abundant mindset, it’s not like you’re saying, like we’re all rich. We all have everything we want. We’re all so talented. We’re all so successful. Although that’s part of it.
Abundance to me is more of this feeling and attitude that there’s enough. There’s enough. There’s enough for all of us. There’s enough space for all of us. I have enough I’m enough. They are. comparison is not only so connected to judgment. It’s also connected to scarcity. If feeling like if one person has it, then we can’t.
If they’re that, then I can’t be it. If, if I’m better, then that means I’m better than them. You know, it’s that scarcity of thinking. There’s limited supplies of good people, good things, and, and good opportunities. But having that more abundant mindset helps you really genuinely shift to gratitude and acceptance both for others and for yourself.
So to illustrate that with my Sunday school position, I had to then insert as part of that, my own belief, that my perspective and experiences are more than enough to teach the other adults at my church. And to trust that those who listen are there because of my unique perspective. And that is the same for the other teachers too, that what they teach is enough and people who come to listen to them.
It’s wonderful. Good for them. And good for me. shift to abundance.
The fourth and final tip I have for you is to take ownership. The phrase that I’m gonna attach to this tool for you is I can choose. So now you’re aware you’ve gone deeper. You’re also focusing on more of an abundant, grateful mindset. So with this, you can.
Have a little space here to make a choice about what you’re actually gonna do now about this. For many of us, that means we are going to choose to show up in ways that we were waiting or telling ourselves we couldn’t, because we’re not as good as other people. We’re never be successful. Like we’re gonna show up to that neighborhood party, or we’re gonna show up to that dance class at the gym.
You can also choose literal acts of gratitude, like maybe actually writing a list of what you’re grateful for. You can choose to send a note to someone to say, I’m so grateful that you exist. And you know, it, it will change what you actually do. Maybe you’ll go on less covet drives that could be a choice, right?
when you actually own that you have the ability to choose the comparison monster doesn’t have as many weak spots to attach on you because you’re saying, Nope, you don’t get to choose how I feel about this person or this scenario, whether I think I’m better or wors than them. And I get to choose to be grateful for my life.
I, I get to choose this attitude, but I also get to choose my actions connected to all of this. And you get stronger and stronger with time. And being able to do that and not feeling as weak. So let me repeat those four tools. The first was to start with awareness with I’m comparing myself. The second was to go deeper with what is this really about for me?
The third is to shift to abundance with good for them. And the final was to take ownership with, I can choose.
Now, I have some progress pointers for you, but I actually first want to end with your helpful advice on this topic, because like I said, I’m not an expert here and I do have some tools that help me, but I was really interested in what this community does when they are fighting the comparison monster. So I asked on Instagram and I was honestly flood.
With so many incredible responses. So let me share what a lot of you shared with me about what helps you face this comparison monster.
Julie said that she likes to think of something she likes about that person. She’s comparing herself. Katie likes to remind herself that no one is good at everything. Tanya said that by constantly seeking to be inspired by others, she finds comparison is not as hard because she says inspiration leaves little room for envy.
Beautiful. Kelsey simply said gratitude. And so many of you feel the same way about gratitude. Lindsay mentioned that as she makes more time for her own talents and hobbies she is less drawn to comparing herself to others. Kylie mentioned being confident in her own choices. That confidence is a big one.
Isn’t it. And one of my favorites was Christine, who simply said, get off social media. Now, one of my online buddies, Megan, she messaged me privately about this because she wanted to share a post that helped her in particular. And this post comes from work and wonder. And the post, the first slide alone is striking.
I’m just gonna read the first slide with the whole carousel is really good. The first slide says, quote, one of the quickest ways to dim our light is to wish it shined like someone else’s. I love what Megan said about it. She said, quote, I remind myself that everyone has a unique light and their light is right for them.
And my light is right for me. The world is more beautiful because we each shine our lights differently. My favorite music has harmonies and counter melodies. It’d be boring if we were all the same, celebrate their light with them, and also accept when they celebrate your light with you.
What Megan said struck me so deeply because it goes back to what I think comparison does that causes the most damage. It dims our light. so follow Megan’s advice here, shine your light and celebrate the way others do too. Do you have something you want to add about what helps you with comparison? Well, I would love to hear about it.
You can send me a message, DM, email me, but if you’re also struggling with this or any other topic, call in and ask about it and I will answer you directly on the show. You can do that by going to about progress.com/call. I hope this episode gave you the hug and kick in the pants that you need to grow.
Here are the progress pointers from this episode, these are the notes that I took. So you don’t have to. And those on my go get our newsletter, get this in a graphic form each week. Number one, comparison is a mental monster that takes residents at a cost. We all struggle with it, but there are things we can do to dampen its control of our lives.
Two, when you face comparison, use these tools and phrases, you can repeat alongside them. The first is to start with awareness. I’m comparing myself. The second is to go deeper to what this comparison is really about. What is this really about? The third is to shift to abundance. Good for them. And lastly, take ownership of what you can do about.
I can choose your do something challenge for this week is to just simply start with awareness. When and where do you find that comparison monster sneaking into your thoughts and hijacking your life, your relationships, your choices. How are you staying on the sidelines? Because of this monster? Start with awareness.
I would love to hear what comes to mind again, please. My inboxes are totally open and I always love to have you call in on the show. Before we go, please remember to enroll to my upcoming free class. That will change so much for you. If you find yourself in the constant shame or blame cycle, when it comes to habit fails, it’s not your fault.
I’m going to share in this free class. The number one reason why women must do habits differently. The research back reason why women more easily fail at habits. And it’s not because we’re weak. It’s because we’re not robots. Again, it goes much deeper than that. I really want you in the class, you can go to about progress.com/habit class, and that is singular habit, habit, class.
And I have that link for you in the show notes. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. Now go and do something with what you learned today.
Now, since the tools. Nope.
