Does the overwhelm of the holidays ever force you to choose between going all in, or doing nothing at all? Maybe you’re somewhere in the middle, but overcomplicating it for yourself and not even enjoying any of your traditions, or the relationships around you. Today Brooke Romney joins me to discuss the importance of simplifying holiday traditions.
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica Packer: Hello everyone, my voice sounds a little different. I am recording without my recording equipment for a number of reasons that I will save you from hearing about. I knew I had to talk today about something that’s been on my mind a lot right now.
It is December 17th. I am, we celebrate Christmas in our home and regardless of what you celebrate, I’m sure that right now you were like me and realizing that there are a lot of people that you haven’t bought presents for. And with that, I’ve been looking at my list today of. The many people that I need to take care of arranging gifts for, but also the last few weeks, I’ve had other things on my list as well.
People that I need to serve people that I need to take care of things with numbers to call for my kids, people to follow up with for different things that they have needs of. And, you know, there’s just so much on my list that it is never ending. And no matter how much I do in one day. I have to start over the next day, or there’s so much undone that needs to be doing the next day.
That can be very overwhelming. So are you like me? Do you have a running list right now? Not just of your normal to do’s, which we all have, but also during this special time of year of the holiday season, do you have a list of people that you need to buy things for people you need to take time and energy serving and helping?
I am going to encourage you today to do something that might seem selfish, but I think is vital to you being able to make and keep those lists. You are keeping track of so many and so many things. And my question for you is, are you on your list? Are you on your list? I did an episode with Dr. Julie Hanks earlier this year about how you don’t need to be the sacrificial lamb for your family.
I really expected there to be a lot of pushback on that episode because we’re doing something that is uncomfortable for a lot of people in our society and saying that women need to prioritize caring for themselves. I know that shouldn’t seem so controversial, but if you saw the normal messages I’ve gotten in the past, whenever I’ve mentioned this within motherhood, especially that you would know this can be a sensitive topic for a lot of people.
So I went into that episode thinking. We’ll definitely have some pushback here people who are going to twist this into it seeming, to be a selfish stance. And I was shocked because we didn’t get a single direct message, email review comment. And maybe we will still, but at the time we didn’t. About how this is wrong.
This is selfish. It’s not okay. And I wondered about that and I actually brought it up to my StriveHive members and one of them said, Monica, I think the reason why you haven’t gotten any pushback on this episode, like you thought you might, is because right now we are living out what it looks like for women to not be prioritized within their own lives.
We are living out being the sacrificial lambs in ways where we can all see the effects of this. Now, this was early on in the pandemic, when we were being slammed right and left with different mandates and restrictions and things were closing, constantly, and we were carrying massive burdens, both with work and friendships and communities and within families.
And what that member said, that Strive Hiver said really stuck with me that we could see the effects of that when we weren’t on our own list, when we weren’t being prioritized. And I’m glad for that. I’m glad for that realization that we’ve carried together. But this week I got on Voxer to talk to one of my good friends and I told her, I have just been feeling so down and discouraged.
And she said she had been too. And we talked about that a little bit more and we realized that perhaps part of the reason why we were feeling down and out and really worn out right now, beyond really obvious reasons of everything we’ve been carrying the last few months is because we’re also looking ahead.
And we’re realizing that while we are fortunate to be having miraculous vaccines coming out right now, that this is not the end of the road. This is the beginning of what will be a long road to the end. And even after that, we’re still probably looking at nine months before kids are in normal school again, work might resume, and life might appear to be normal.
But then again, we don’t know what normal is going to look like anymore. We were discussing that. Just how daunting it can be to look ahead and realize, can I do for another nine months what I’ve been doing for nine months already? And for a lot of us, I’m sure you’re like me, and the answer is I must, but I don’t know how.
This is where I’m going to take us back to. That episode with Dr. Julie Hanks. And the list that I talked about in the beginning of the episode and the list that you’ve been making too, where you were considering so much about who to give to and who to serve, put yourself on the list. I want you to say something a little bit weird to yourself right now.
Let’s do something a little woo. I want you to say, I am on the list. Honestly, take a minute and say that to yourself. I am on the list. I’m on the list. I’m going to put myself on the list. This year, not just for this holiday season, but also this coming year . I want to, again, remind you that this is not selfish.
There’s always this weird magic that when you have given to yourself, time to yourself, energy, money to yourself, you will have more to give. When I think back to five years ago, before I started this podcast, I was at an Epic low of me, not being on my list. And. I can tell you that there was never a time in my motherhood, especially where I felt more angry and resentful and sad and lost.
And it usually came out in the most ridiculous of ways, like me sweeping a floor. And just feeling so angry that I had to sweep the floor again or cleaning up spilled milk and feeling resentful that I was the adult in the household and had to clean up that milk or be in charge of all the different bills.
Like the list goes on, the feelings there were just like I was coming from a place of being so used up. I do all of those same chores. Every day, now, I sweep the floors, I wipe up the milk, I pay the bills, I manage the different appointments, I make all the phone calls that have to be made. And guess how I feel now, when I’m doing those things?
Most of the time I feel fulfilled. I really do. And I had that moment a few years ago , I was sweeping the floor and I took a quick breath in and take a breath when I realized that I had this funny thought in my head. And the thought was, I feel so fulfilled. And I literally stopped in my tracks to think to myself, how remarkable that right now I am feeling so fulfilled, sweeping a dumb floor when just a few years ago, this would have been another cause for me to be so sad that this was my life, even though it was the life I’d always wanted.
So let’s just make sure that’s clear. I didn’t want my life to look different. I wanted it to feel different. And that very much is the case. And you know why it’s because I’m on the list, friends. And this has, in the beginning, it felt selfish in the beginning. I struggled with those feelings of balance and will there be time for my responsibilities or my spouse or my kids or my community or my church?
Will there be balance? And I’m telling you that. It’s almost made those things more possible because I truly have more to give. Now, when I talk about you saying to yourself, I am on the list, one of your pushbacks might be like, I can’t afford to, I can’t afford to put myself on the list. Now, we had Janae Chandler on the show this fall to talk about budgeting. And she spoke very directly to this resistance you might be facing. The fact is that there are many ways to invest.
In yourself, there are many ways to reflect, what your values are by how you invest into it. And it’s not just money. In fact, some of the best ways to value yourself, to invest in yourself is with time and energy. Putting yourself on the list does not mean you’re going on a giant shopping spree or, just ditching your responsibilities, maybe leaving the kids to themselves and going out to lunch.
It doesn’t. Need to be about money. It can be about time and energy. So this is what we’re going to do. The rest is episode. It’s a short one. I am going to share a few ideas on how you can put yourself on the list and value yourself with time, energy, and yes, money, even with money. I’m going to share a few ideas, but here’s what I want you to do.
I want you to come up with your own ideas after, and while you’re listening to me, in fact, and I want you to start, you know, putting yourself on the list, not just for the holiday season, but also into 2021. And I would love to see what that looks like. So on Instagram, share a hashtag I am on the list. I am on the list and tag me.
And I would love to share how this is playing out for you. And I’m going to give you a few ideas right now. So use the hashtag I am on the list and tag me about progress. I would love to see what you’re doing. So let’s talk about a few of the ideas I have for you specifically on how to put yourself on your own list.
By valuing yourself and investing in some simple ways. And I’m just going to give a few ideas. I’m not going to hold, give like a whole book’s worth of ideas, although I’m sure we could come up with them. So just so you know, this is just the tip of the iceberg here. Let’s talk about time first. Many of us would say I don’t have time to be on my list. And I so get that, especially five years ago when I had three very small children. And now I have four and they’re a little older and a little bit more independent and that’s getting nice, but it’s not getting any easier time wise, right? I so get this. I don’t have time.
Many of you are working full time jobs. Many of you are working full time jobs and having kids or part time or whatever it is, I’m just trying to say, we all have. A never ending to-do list. That seems like we do not have time. I’m going to give you the kick in the pants right now that I like to do on this show.
I love to give you hugs, but let me give you a little kick in the pants right now, and this is meant. To be said in love, do you still find time to numb out? Do you find yourself accidentally scrolling Instagram for 20 minutes? Do you find yourself pressing next episode on Netflix or something else? Do you find yourself spending time doing things that don’t matter because the things on your real to do list are just too overwhelming?
Numbing behavior is very tricky. It’s something that I. Love to talk about in my coaching program, but here’s the thing I would tell you. Numbing behavior shows up the most when you are running on empty. And not only signals that you do have some time because you’re falling into numbing behavior, which takes up time, but the times where I reach for numbing behaviors the most, that’s when it’s a big signal for me that I am running.
On empty that I am trying to give and give from a very empty well. And that’s actually when I know that I need to take a break from the to dos and the long list of things that I need to get done and spend intentional time giving back to myself. So I’m not running on empty. And the more I do that, the less inclined I am to scroll through Instagram or Facebook or do numbing behaviors that show up in other ways.
So if you find yourself really sinking into numbing behaviors, I just want to tell you something else with this really quickly, numbing behaviors, the actual behaviors you’re doing, they’re not inherently morally good or bad. What is hard about numbing behaviors is the lack of intention behind it. So it’s not about so much about what you’re doing.
It’s the intention you are putting behind it. So I have a few short ideas on how you can intentionally. Invest in some time on yourself, go on a 10 minute walk, just 10 minutes. It doesn’t need to be about exercise. It can just be a 10 minute walk, draw yourself a bath and get in that bath. And even if you don’t have special shampoos or anything like that, just take a minute to breathe.
And maybe listen to Taylor Swift’s new album, pull off from the bookshelf, a book that you have been meaning to read. And I give you permission to tell your responsibilities that you need a break, whether that’s a boss or little bosses at home and read that book, even for 20 minutes, read that book. Another idea is to pick a classic movie that you love during the holiday season and make yourself a little plate of snacks or a treat and sit down and put all the to dos aside. And watch that movie that you love. Take a minute to write in your journal is another idea I have for you.
And I am actually not a natural journal writer. This is something I’ve been working on the last few years. And the way I started was by writing incomplete sentences in bullet form. And now I typically write a half a page a night. And it’s still not something I love to do, but I always feel better after doing it.
So just take one minute to write one line in your journal. Even if it’s today was crap, I don’t care. Write a little bit in your journal. Another thing is maybe go on YouTube and look up something that you would love to learn how to do, like watercoloring. There’s so much for free online. That’s how I learned how to play the ukulele the past few months.
Just spend a few minutes, I’m talking 5 to 15 minutes, just to even learn about something that you would like to do in the future. Those are a few of my ideas. And none of them took more than a half hour, and I think most of them would even take less time than that, except the movie. That’d probably take 90 minutes, but you can even watch that in a 20 minute segment, so hey, you can break that up.
Again, a reminder, if you are falling into numbing behavior a lot, then that means that you are just coming from a place of too empty. And you actually need to take a break and spend time on yourself. So that’s actually what I think is the number one way for you to put yourself on your list is with time.
Next, let’s talk about energy though, because it’s really hard to take time for yourself when you just feel exhausted. Most of the time when we are saying to ourselves or to others, I am exhausted, you know what we’re really saying is that we are depleted. With energy and you’re like, duh, Monica, but guess what?
There are a lot of different types of energy. And I’m not talking about quantum physics, energy. I’m talking about different ways that we get energized or depleted that aren’t just about sleeping. Although that is incredibly important. We had a guest on the show last year named Dr. Sandra Dalton Smith, who was absolutely incredible.
And I would love to have her on again, and she talked about why you are so exhausted. And we actually spent most of the time talking about how this translates and translate in ways that are not the physical kind, meaning about sleep. Although that is an important one. So if you are thinking to yourself, or you’re saying this a lot, I’m so exhausted.
Take a minute and really evaluate what type of energy are you the most exhausted in? Is it spiritual energy? Are you not investing enough into your spiritual energy that you need right now? Is it sensory? Meaning, have you had too much sensory input and need some quiet from sensory input, which is me, like all the time?
Or maybe you need more. Maybe you’re bored, maybe you’re lonely, and you need just to do more things with your senses, like light a candle or do something with your fingers and do something crafty. There’s a lot of different ways to help with the sensory input if you need more of it. Is it physically in terms of moving your body, um, more than just sleep?
Are there other ways that physically you’re lacking the most energy? Maybe it’s even just prioritizing feeding yourself a real meal for lunchtime or breakfast time. Maybe that’s how it’s coming out. Perhaps it’s social energy with me. This is a troublesome one for me because I don’t feel like I’ve ever need more social input, even during quarantine.
I’m like, I am fine being by myself. I would love to be by myself, but even me, I have found like, Oh, I miss friendships and humans and interactions. Maybe you need.
Some social input to help that energy there. Maybe you are really tapped out socially and lacking in that a lot, or perhaps it’s creative. You have not had a lot of time to be creative. And that actually is a really important one for me. Back in the beginning of 2020, when I was creating my do something plan for the year, I realized that the way I was most depleted was.
Creative wise, and I for many years, and I think I was a creative type, but I have learned the past few years that I am, but it just comes across in different ways. It might not be artistic, but it’s still another creative ways. And so I tried to prioritize this year. And while it’s been, you know, touch and go, As this fall, as I moved into the fall and I prioritize learning how to watercolor or playing the ukulele or designing the home we are renovating, I felt more energized without necessarily getting more sleep.
So think about this for you. And maybe you can go back and listen to the episode with Dr. Sandra Dalton Smith to get some more ideas. Where are you lacking the most energy right now? And how can you then put yourself on the list so that you can better direct your focus energy wise? And I’m sure as you do that, you will feel almost a physical lift in yourself.
You will feel like you have more energy, even if you weren’t able to help the sleep problem. Although I would say sleep, honestly, could be like the number one thing to fix in your life. Like it was for me about three years ago, we’ve had a whole episode with a sleep therapist on that, but that’s a whole other episode.
So. Let’s just start by intentionally spending time. We’re going back to the first one to help with the second one, doing something that re energizes you. So again, intentionally spend time doing something that re energizes you. And I said something, friends, do not make this a big thing. A lot of times it just takes a little bit in one of these energy fields, I guess, to help us feel less depleted.
So we’ve covered time. We’ve covered energy. Now let’s talk about money. This is a complicated topic, especially during the holiday season and especially during a year when I know that many of our budgets and our banks have had a big hit on them. So let me just start this by saying that this is not about treat yourself.
I love that episode from parks and recreation. We are not talking about the break the budget type of spending money on yourself. But I will give you a little bit of a push. It does not take a lot of money to invest in yourself.
A lot of women, in our community ask me this question a lot, and I’ve talked about it recently. They say, is it worth it? And that’s when I talk about a book I just read is it worth it? Should I get it? Or a ukulele that I am learning to play. Is it worth it? Should I get that Monica? Or is it worth it to take the time to do that class?
And I know I mentioned this, I’m just going to say it again, it bears repeating. I know that when they’re asking, is it worth it? They’re asking, am I worth it?
I think we have a big block of spending money on ourselves and usually it comes out in ways that maybe we weren’t using as intentionally, just like numbing behaviors can happen with time. It can happen with money. Have you ever sensed that when you’re looking at money so scarcely that suddenly you’re spending it in a numbing way that is not reflective of you and your values, just like with numbing behavior with time.
If you’re spending money with numbness behind it, that’s actually to me showing that you need to invest a little bit in yourself, like intentionally. So let me give you just a few ideas on what this can look like. Take yourself out to lunch. And I mean, in and out, it doesn’t need to be, you know, anything fancy and spend a lot of money, or even just an ice cream cone for McDonald’s.
Just. Spend a little bit to show yourself this is time and it’s energy and it’s a little bit of money all wrapped in one There’s a book that maybe you’ve been thinking about reading get that book or get the audible app for it or Libby Which is free, by the way, that won’t even cost you a dime But maybe you can just go buy your favorite book that you love to read all of our Harry Potter’s right now are completely torn apart and My oldest has been reading them for years, but I realize like she keeps coming to me with a different book saying pages are gone, and I keep thinking about getting them, but You know, getting that whole series, a lot of money, but I thought, well, maybe I can just get one book at a time and that would be more than worth it.
Not only for me, but for her too. Maybe there is a course online that you’ve been wanting to take. I would encourage you to try to prioritize that. Try to see where you can put some money aside. So that you can spend money on something you are interested in learning about. And the reason I’m talking about that specifically, there are so many courses and classes out there for women who think, Oh, I can’t do that because I won’t make a career of it.
Oh, I can’t do that because it won’t make me money back. I Mean, it’s okay to have. Making money as a goal, of course, but if that’s the sole reason for deciding if something is worth learning and doing and spending time on, then that’s a problem.
So maybe you want to learn how to write, but you don’t really think you’ll start writing books or try to look for a publisher. But you’ve been thinking about this writing class online, but you just keep thinking, Oh, but I’m not going to become a writer. Like I’m not going to sell my books. I don’t have plans for that.
Or maybe I can’t. No, friend, it doesn’t have to turn into something that makes you money or a return investment or have this special outcome that makes it all worth it. You are worth it. So think about that, even with an online class that you’re considering or an in person class at the community college, anything like that.
And it can be saved for, of course, but let’s think a little more simply too. An example I have is watercoloring supplies. I’ve been wanting to learn about watercoloring for years. And I’m one of those people that if I spend a little money on something, it actually is an incredible way for me to be accountable because I have the supplies.
I am more inclined to be accountable with following through. That’s why I bought the ukulele so that I would learn how to play it. And. The summer I bought watercoloring supplies. Finally, after thinking about it, I just bought a few things on Amazon. It probably cost me less than 20 and then it made me more accountable to trying them.
So think about one of those things that you just keep seeing other people doing online, just like our guest a few weeks ago, Colby Bloom, how she loved watching hand lettering artists online. And even though she was a perfectionist who really didn’t think she should do anything like that, she had no business being artistic in her mind.
She still ended up buying some supplies and just trying out and my goodness. It took her a place you’d never imagine. And again, I’m not saying you have to be Colby, but spend a little money on something that you’ve been curious about. It doesn’t have to be a lot. What about a better pillow to sleep on?
Yes, it can be a pillow. Who knew, right? Another idea I have for you is just a pair of running shoes that are not so worn down, so that you can enjoy your outdoor time better. It does not take a lot of money to make. You have the investment in yourself to show that you value yourself and the things that you’re interested in and who you are.
And that is the thing I really want to drive home right now. It’s just about being intentional about Valuing yourself, valuing that you are important, that you are worth putting time into, energy into a money into that you are worth it. Now, remember we have a hashtag for you. I am on the list. It’s all one word kind of put together because it’s a hashtag.
I want to hear how this is looking for you on Instagram, especially. So share about it there. And use the hashtag, I’m on the list, whether it’s a formal post or on stories. And if you’re private, make sure you send me a picture of it. I would love to see it. And if you’re not, make sure you tag me about progress so I can reshare.
So we can get a little movement going the last few weeks of this holiday season, but also going into the new year. Friends, we are so depleted and I am too in many ways, but I’d also say. But one of the things I’ve taken away from 2020 is that I am really glad that the past few years I have been practicing putting myself on the list because it’s the only way I’ve been able to survive going, you know, living in one of the biggest quarantine zones in the world.
Why we lived in California, selling our house by owner and moving in the middle of a pandemic and living in the basement and homeschooling my four kids and trying to work while also trying to get a house renovated, which is a wonderful blessing, but also extremely stressful. I’m just going to say that the only way I’ve been able to manage that somewhat successfully.
Is because I’m trying to put myself on the list in these small and simple ways. It doesn’t need to be crazy. It doesn’t need to be intense, just small and simple ways to put yourself on the list. Regardless of what you choose though, I want you to put yourself on the list. I want to see how that plays out with time, energy, and money. I want to hear about it. So get cracking, even try one thing. And when you share it on social media, if you do use the hashtag, I am on the list and tag me in about progress so we can share it.
And that the women in our community can learn from you on how to put themselves on the list too.
