“Every story of conversion is the story of a blessed defeat.”
~C.S. Lewis
If I can experience a major faith crisis, anyone can.
Over the last 12+ years, I’ve been through an ongoing series of my own struggles with my faith in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Today’s episode is an honest share of how this came about for me, what issues I have struggled with and why, what I’ve done about them, and why I ultimately chose to stick with my LDS faith for life.
Below in the show notes, I’ve included the past posts I’ve written on this topic if you’d like to read more about my experience. I’ve also included resources that have helped me tremendously.
If you know someone who struggles or who is in a leadership position, please share this with them. My hope is to peel back the shame that many who doubt suffer behind, to show leaders of my church how good and obedient members can still struggle with their faith, and how they can better love and help them through it.
If you have resources for me, your own insights, or just want to comment to share your support and story below, please do! But if it’s to share your own interpretations of what I’ve said or to argue against my own experience, I ask that you have listened to the whole episode so you can get as full of a picture as possible before you make your own determinations of me. (Although, honestly it would take an entire book for me to do it all justice!).
I welcome those comments, but I will delete anything judgmental or hateful (on either side–whether you’re a believer or not) as I simply don’t have it in me to facilitate a conversation in that capacity. I’m just a human doing her best!
Thank you for your support!
You can listen the interview below, or on iTunes, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Pocketcasts, Googleplay, or search for “About Progress” wherever you get your podcasts. If you like the show please share it, subscribe, and leave a review!!
Show Notes
Prior posts on my faith: here, here, and here
LDS website and LDS articles on women giving blessings here and here
All the resources that have helped me
Lamb of God and Rob Gardner’s website (songs used, with permission: “Make Me Whole,” “Sometime We’ll Understand”)
Paul Cardall’s website (songs used, with permission: “Come Thou Fount,” “Gracie’s Theme,” “Redeemer,” “A New Creation”)
Carol Lynn Pearson’s website
Join my Progress Program: SMALL-group GROWTH coaching for women
My new Work in Progress T-shirt!! (Use code “PROGRESS” for $5)
Oh my goodness! I have been sharing this podcast with everyone in my family. Thank you Monica. I shed tears as I listened to you describe ME as an LDS women. I’m going to have more courage to ME because of YOU!
I would add to your list of resources the Facebook group “another testament of marriage” for the spouse of someone who has either left the faith or is distancing themselves from it. Bring the believing and active spouse after your partner has left is enormously difficult. It is so nice to lighten your load by sharing it with others in your situation.
I would also suggest the Facebook group “mormon mixed faith marriage” it is for both the Active Believing Member (ABM) and the Post Mormon (PM) spouse. It is a great place to go to find support and understanding of the unique situation that occurs when one partner leaves the “family faith” and one stays. Absolutely no bashing is allowed in this group. It is about learning to make your marriage as good as it can be!
Thanks for these resources Sarah!! I’ve been looking for this kind of support 🙂
Thank you, Monica.
Beautiful. I have been struggling for possibly as long as you. Very similar thoughts, the stakes are high I will never live up nor do i want to!? Or do I? I sobbed listening to your words, they felt like my own. You are brave and in my eyes doing gods work to the fullest. Using doubt to lead your heart to him and others, how else do we learn? I feel this is why we were given agency, to learn the hard way to more deeply understand. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. I think raising my children in the church is better than not, but I definitely have my own doubts too. Not just about women in the church and how the church culture can affect how we see ourselves, but many other things. I love to hear the experiences you have had recently at church and I wish those types of experiences were more widespread. But I came to the same conclusion as you about our leaders not being perfect. I hate that we teach at church that the prophets can’t “lead the church astray.” It comes across that these men are in no way fallible when they are in their roles as prophets and don’t make any mistakes in leading the church, but I don’t see how that could be true. Otherwise, Brigham Young wouldn’t have been so racist (right?) and I don’t see how some of the leaders could say some of the things that they’ve said in General Conference that hurt so many people. It’s just hard sometimes. I agree though that there needs to be room for doubt and I love that you were able to renew your temple recommend because of your desire to believe. In the meantime, I will just try to do my best.
Monica, I am deeply touched by your honesty and bravery. I love and respect so deeply that you honored your baby with a sacred mothers blessing. I relate so well with your statement “I believe.” I have never said “I know” in my testimonies. I love that you value the inherent importance of women beyond motherhood. Most if all I love how you speak to and about our Heavenly Mother. She is a God I am trying to learn more about and have begun speaking about more frequently and openly. Thank you for your beautiful words. They filled my soul with hope. I too love your parents. I am Michael Palmer’s sister and have admired your family from afar for years. Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony, doubts, and struggles. You have inspired me to be be comfortable with my own doubts and my own feminism. I love the gospel as well and I too believe there is plenty of room for revolutionary women in the church and that we are much needed. I wish you all the best xoxo
So much of what’s shared in this has been my wrestle for at least 25 years now. I’m glad it’s so well articulated here. Thank you! I love the faith, hope, and wrestle in this because I really do believe my eternal progress is founded upon engaging and navigating life with this mindset. I’ve heard of your stake for years now and hope and believe that as more members and leaders can learn from voices like this about creating safe spaces to engage those with faith and those who question or desire faith, great power and goodness will come to the members and needful systemic changes will come. Thank you for putting this out into the world! Sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I heard so many echos into my own experiences in my early 20s decades before you. I felt so thankful to hear about the gentle and open way that your local church leaders responded to you and wish the same for all of us. I have blessed my girls too and absolutely believe in our power and authority.
same, same same, same, same. Oh m heart. This means the world to hear thing spoken out loud because they are my words too..
Monica thank you. This is beautiful and helpful and so valuable. I was weeping in my kitchen listening to your story. Many of the things you’ve said really resonate with me. I’ve been really lucky to feel God while I look into these questions, and I just admire you so much for wrestling with everything without that reassurance. I’m excited to share your podcast.
I loved this. I would love to know your ward and stake so I can move there!
I love your story, thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing and validating many similar feelings I’ve experienced. I’d love to review the books you recommend, but it looks like there’s an error. “There was a problem. You were invited to collaborate on a list but the link has expired. You’ll need a new link to access this list.”
Thank you, Heidi! I believe it is fixed now.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I feel happy that yours could “end”this way and sad because I don’t think mine can…my heart just hopes that our heavenly parents will be ok with that too.