I’m excited to welcome back Dr. Amber Price as we delve into self-silencing, and why it’s important to pay attention to during the upcoming holiday season. Dr. Price explains the roots and significance of this behavior, offering insights into how many of us unknowingly silence ourselves to meet others’ expectations. We discuss the key aspects of self-silencing and identify red flags to help you recognize when you’re falling into this pattern.
Dr. Price provides practical advice on reclaiming your autonomy and setting healthy boundaries without guilt. We explore ways to share responsibilities and maintain a balance between connecting with loved ones and honoring your own needs. Tune in to learn how to stop self-silencing and start fostering deeper connections with yourself and those around you.
Referenced episode on traditions. Gift Guides.
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica Packer: Dr. Amber Price, welcome to About Progress.
Dr. Amber Price: Thank you for having me.
Monica Packer: It’s good to have you back and on a whole new topic, which I have been so intrigued about ever since you brought this actual term or phrase to my attention and how it’s like an official thing and not just something we’re all doing.
It’s kind of like one of those things like you don’t know there’s actual research behind something until you’re like, Oh, it all makes now.
But So, I mean, enough of dangling the carrot for people. We’re talking about silencing, and especially during the holiday season, which, I mean, I think we can talk about how do you know yourself silency, but let’s first begin with the definition.
What is that? What is self?
Dr. Amber Price: I, it’s funny to me because we hear the phrase self silencing, right? And I think it, Pricks our ears up. People are like, Oh, that sounds interesting. I mean, I might be doing that. I don’t totally know what it is, but I think I might be doing it. I’ve just noticed that a lot through my work over the years, but yeah, there is a very specific body of research around self silencing. It was actually originally created. The concept was created by a therapist who was working with women. This was back in the early nineties. And she was noticing that there were some common characteristics that were happening with them. And she suspected they were all leading to some struggles that they were facing specifically at that time, women faced twice the rate of depression that men did.
And she was like, I wonder if these behaviors and these things that they’re doing are what are creating this. Epidemic depression for the women anyway, so she created this concept and it’s basically what it sounds like It’s stifling who you really are in order to try to get people to love you to approve of you to like you there’s four aspects and I think the four aspects knowing what those are kind of gives it some structure to understand how it’s happening in your life So the first one is what she called the externalized self perception. And this simply means that we worry a lot about what other people think of us, right? Like I’m watching myself live instead of living in my own skin. You know, Dr. Snarsh would have called it the reflected sense of self kind of same idea. Like it’s like, I’m watching myself and seeing if I live up to other people’s expectations that I think they have for me. And then when we do that we tend to do a couple of other things. One of those is stifling ourselves, stifling our own voice. So if I’m really worried about what other people think, then I’m not going to speak up for myself. I’m not going to say the things that maybe I think or feel or want because I’m worried that somebody is going to not agree with me. I’m going to cause contention and I can’t handle that contention because it makes me feel bad about myself. Or maybe they’ll just think I’m dumb. You know, maybe I’m sitting in a group setting and I’m like, I’m not going to raise my hand because what if I say something dumb, you know? So we just stifle. what we have to say or how we feel. Another thing that we do is sacrifice for others, which sacrifice isn’t a bad thing, but when we’re doing it from a self silencing perspective, we’re doing it so that we can earn love and approval.
Monica Packer: So is this a second aspect or is this part of the externalized
Dr. Amber Price: That
would be the third. So the externalized self perception is kind of where this all stems
Monica Packer: Okay.
Dr. Amber Price: And then we stifle our own
voice or we self sacrifice to earn love. So those are kind of number two and
Monica Packer: Got it.
Dr. Amber Price: So, you know, this is I think I need to do these things because that’s what makes me a good mom or a good wife or a good friend or things like that. And then when we do all these things that ties really closely to the fourth aspect, which is the divided self. And this is where inside I’m starting to really feel exhausted and stressed and resentful, frazzled, fried, any of those words you want to say. But I’m not going to let everybody see that I’m going to, I’m going to push it down because I still want them to see me as good and strong and capable. And so I wouldn’t want to let them see those things that are happening underneath the surface for me. And so I’m kind of living to, you know, inside I feel one way and I’m putting out a different, Persona to the world. And it’s, you know, that doesn’t feel very authentic. It doesn’t feel very good. And this is where a lot of some of the struggles of self silencing can come
Monica Packer: Okay. So especially with that divided self piece, that’s probably when you’re going to begin to see more of the cracks showing, right? Like where they’re trying to hide it so much that like suddenly that anxious side is out
or that resentful side, or someone suddenly slamming kitchen cabinet doors.
And
You know, saying sharp words to a kid or like, I don’t know, why don’t you do it? You know, stuff like that. So,
Dr. Amber Price: Yeah. I love to think of it like Louisa from Encanto, the surface
pressure, you know, under the surface, I’m going berserk and things like that. That, you know what I’m
talking about? That
song from, and I feel like, yeah, she’s got a divided self right there. She’s trying to look like she’s got it all pulled together. But inside she’s breaking.
Monica Packer: Yeah. Well, so it’s so nice to hear like actual terminology that goes
into self silencing. And while I can understand it cerebrally, I think it always helps to also give us some examples. Like what are some other red flags they can personally pay attention to in themselves to recognize. Oh, I am self silencing or the way, the reason I’m feeling this way is because I’m self silencing.
How
Dr. Amber Price: So many of the things that we do, actually in my dissertation research, it was about self silencing and over 90% of women were doing it. So
Monica Packer: many?
Dr. Amber Price: over 90% mo. So most of us are doing it at least at some level a lot of the time, but. I think any time that we’re just feeling, I like to think of it as like everyone has a piece of me, but me, you know, we feel that a lot.
Like I am being pulled in a million directions and every direction, but towards myself, you know, I’m not taking time for myself. I’m not feeling like I can be myself. I’m, I remember for myself one time, my husband and I were just talking about this recently. I remember sitting and talking to him and I was like, I have so many things going on.
So many things pulling in different directions. I just feel sort of dead inside at this point. And I don’t know which thing to give up because they all feel like they matter. And I can see now that was, I was self silencing. I was trying to do all the things for all the people and, you know, kind of forsake myself.
Although I wouldn’t have used those words necessarily, but that’s what was happening and it wasn’t leaving me feeling very good.
Monica Packer: I think one of the most surprising red flags for me has been anger. You know, I brought this up a little bit here and there over the years, but that’s honestly the thing that surprised me the most about being a parent in general, just how people I love so much can make me feel so angry, but also it’s just surprised me in general, how anger tends to be the number one.
Emotion when I’m feeling split, divided, overwhelmed, anxious,
all those things, but how, you know, big root of that is what you’ve just said. It’s stifling ourselves.
Dr. Amber Price: Yeah. Sometimes I’ve thought of it like when I’ve been in my bad moments, I’m like, I feel like I’m a rubber band that’s twisted really tight. And one little thing is just going to make it snap. And then that like, like the anger that you were just saying, like that little thing shouldn’t have put me over the edge, but it
Monica Packer: Yeah. Okay. So that’s what we can kind of watch for. I mean, you’re,
people are going to know what this looks like for them. Maybe it’s just, you feel really sad
or really hopeless or, you
Dr. Amber Price: Or resentment. I think resentment is a big one, right? Like if I’m feeling resentment toward anybody in my life, there’s probably some self silencing going on underneath that.
Monica Packer: So this is making a lot of sense. And as we’re thinking about the holiday season that we’re approaching, I want to apply what we’re already learning to this specific season and what women can do to better stop self silencing and how to balance that out with our very.
Yeah. Real needs and desires and the priorities, responsibilities that we have. So how is this really coming into play during this particular time of the year?
Dr. Amber Price: Yeah, it’s happening in a lot of ways, but I want to point out one thing specifically. One thing that’s really tied to self silencing is a lack of autonomy on our own part. Now, autonomy often gets, I feel like autonomy gets a bad rap as a word, and I wish it didn’t because it’s a very valuable word.
Often people think it means like isolation or, you know, cutting yourself off from other people, but it’s really not that. It’s really having ownership of who you are so that you can make choices for yourself. So if we think about this at the holiday season and where some of our stressors might come in you know, for example, you have a, we all have really busy schedules at the holidays, right?
Like you start getting the emails from the school that are like, Oh, we’ve got this event and we’ve got this event. We’ve got a concert. We’ve got a class party, things like that. And you’re starting to write them in your planner and, you know, work has a party maybe, or. Family gatherings, all these things, and they start to build up.
And maybe you feel like you don’t really get a choice in those things. Like somebody else is making those choices for you. And you feel like you have to do those things. Well, when you’re doing that’s completely, it’s taking away your autonomy. You don’t feel like you have ownership of what’s going on in your season. Autonomy, a lack of autonomy is perfectly tied with self silencing. When we lack autonomy, it’s. We are self silencing. And so when we could maybe look at that list of things that are going on and say, which of these things do I want to choose for myself this holiday season? And which of these things do I not like, which of these things matter to me and which don’t. Then we can kind of reclaim some of that. And honestly, it might still end up looking the same. I might look at that list and be like, well, yeah, my son’s band concert does matter to me. So I’m going to take ownership of that. Like
I’m still going to show up, but I’m going to do it in a way that’s like, I’m choosing to be here.
Right. And so I’m going to feel better because it felt like I had a choice in it.
Monica Packer: I’m really glad that you would already balance that out for us because it is so easy to go the all or nothing route when we hear the word autonomy
as well as like, what’s the opposite of self silencing? Well, it seems to only be. Being selfish, and I don’t want to be a selfish person, but I also want
to have a self.
So I love that you just painted that for us. It’s reclaiming some autonomy. I wouldn’t say like, I’m going to say all the things are what I want. Like we’re having this for breakfast on Christmas day. We’re doing these things. I want these gifts, you know, it’s reclaiming some of that. And it’s also owning the rest.
That actually
Dr. Amber Price: And autonomy does have to be balanced with like belonging or relationships and things like that. The problem is that as women, we often, we really want that the relationship piece. And I think this is especially true at the holidays, right? We go into it and we’re like, we have these visions of the magical moments that we’re going to spend with everyone, the magic we’re going to create for our families, the traditions we’re going to set up and things like that. And so we lean really heavily into the relationship side of things. And we forget that the autonomy side of things has to matter too. And research actually backs this. If you lean entirely into the relationships and lose the autonomy piece, your relationships actually get worse. And we can see that happen at the holidays.
I think when we’re like neck deep in doing all the things for all the people trying to create these wonderful experiences, but we’re exhausted and no, like, no more are we. happily showing up to the events or, you know, we’re that anger that you’ve got or that rubber band that’s ready to snap. And it just doesn’t work out that great for us, even though that’s what we wanted,
Monica Packer: Yeah.
Dr. Amber Price: but it’s because we’re lacking that autonomy piece.
Monica Packer: So how can autonomy come into play with how we are showing up to the holidays? And if we are trying to reclaim some autonomy, we’re trying to own the parts of what’s coming up and the things that matter, take ownership of them. Does I’m imagining, like you’re saying, it looks like taking time to yourself or what else can they practically do to make that
Dr. Amber Price: Yeah. I’ve got a few ideas on that. One of them, let’s just start with, because you said taking time to, for yourself, I think one form of self silencing is silencing How we feel like our body, how our body feels, how we emotionally feel. And it’s really easy at the holidays to really get stretched in on that. And I wonder too, if some of it is, I mean, at least personally, I don’t eat that great at the holidays. There’s always treats in front of me and I eat them if they’re there. And so I don’t feel that good and it can really take a toll on how we show up. I was thinking about this and I thought, I remember it was, I think it was holiday Sorry.
I think it was Thanksgiving break one year, quite maybe eight or so years ago. And I had family in town that were staying with me, which is so fun, but we all know also exhausting and you get no time to yourself when you have guests. And so I, they were all going to go see a movie and normally I would have gone to, but I was like, what I wouldn’t give for a couple of hours to myself.
And so I stayed home and I still remember those, like, I still remember doing that this long down the road, because it just, It just totally replenished me to say, I just need two hours to myself. And I loved every moment of it. And I, all I think I did was lay on the couch and read a book or
something, you know, just, but I needed that.
Monica Packer: I love that. That moment wasn’t also like, let me wrap all the gifts or let me hurry and try to whip up something else to eat. Like it was like actually taking real time for yourself, but it still was, if you look at the whole amount of time they were there, the preparation beforehand and everything after
it was still a short amount of time, right? Like, it wasn’t like, I’m just going to take all the time. So
we’re going to take some time for ourselves. What else?
Dr. Amber Price: Another thing I think we can pay close attention to is the expectations that we have for the holidays. I think we all know, we kind of go into it with big expectations. Sometimes we have dreams of, you know, the beautiful meal that we’re going to create or the wonderful party we’re going to host or the perfect presents we’re going to buy for everybody. But, and this ties back to what we’ve already been talking about, but can we take a minute to say, where are these expectations coming from? Why do I think I need to set a perfect dinner table or, you know, whatever it is that you’re, that’s kind of stressing you out or taking up your time and recognizing that those expectations might be coming from that externalized self perception that we talked about, almost like an imaginary audience that we think is watching us and evaluating us. And maybe they are, or maybe they’re not like, maybe you have a mom or a mother in law that you feel like is evaluating you, maybe not, maybe it’s just this ideal in your head of what you think a holiday should look like. And so you’re trying to live up to that, but we’re literally giving our autonomy away when we do that.
We’re telling some imaginary audience in our mind, you go ahead and have ownership of my holiday. You know, I’ll try to do what you want me to do so that I can meet these expectations or ideals. Instead of owning it for ourselves and that doesn’t feel good again, you know, it just doesn’t feel good when we take away our own autonomy.
Monica Packer: This will air earlier on in the season, so this is where I want people to actually kind of, before you’re in the thick of it, take a good look at those traditions, besides when you’re, or, and I said traditions, because that to me is almost synonymous with expectations, right, during this time, and actually think about, well, are these realistic?
Are these desirable? Are they what we actually want? Are they just what our families did?
About that now. I’m going to do that. I’m gonna do that
Dr. Amber Price: And you can even ask your family because sometimes I think we think our family wants all of these traditions. And I bet if we ask them, some of them aren’t, you know, some of those traditions that we think are so important might not matter as
Monica Packer: Yes, you’re so right. They may
Dr. Amber Price: Especially when we’re like creating like a whole bucket list and like, Oh, we’re going to do something fun every day for the month of December. Sometimes we could simplify it and they’re going to enjoy it just as much. And then we’re going to feel a lot better too.
Monica Packer: And I like that helps them take ownership as well.
Dr. Amber Price: Which is what I was going to say also is that we can expect help from others too.
Sometimes we just think we have to do it all. I was just thinking about this morning and I almost feel a little bad sharing it because it’s sort of throwing my husband under the bus, but he’s always good with me sharing examples.
But. There was a holiday years ago, again, where I was just feeling so frazzled and stretched thin as we often do at the holidays and he was getting ready to go to work and he’s a college professor. So during the holidays, he doesn’t always have a ton to do because the students aren’t there anymore. And he was walking out the door and he had a box of Legos with him. And I was like, what in the world? Like, why do you have Legos? And he was like, well, just in case I get bored while I’m at work. And I was like, I am losing my mind at home trying to get everything done for the holidays and he might get bored at work and it was just a good chance for the both of us to sit down and say, Oh, we actually need to rebalance things a little
bit. I don’t have to do all the things to make the holidays magic. And he’s so good and so receptive to working together to create those things. But also my kids, you know, they don’t. I don’t have to be the one that does all of the things. My kids are older. They’re teens and young adults. And I don’t have, I think sometimes we have in our mindset, it’s the moms who create the holiday magic. But it doesn’t have to be. I don’t have to be, you know, the sacrificial lamb of the holiday season. I’m not doing anything good for them by teaching them to take advantage of me. And I’m not doing anything good for them if I’m exhausted by the end of it and not really present or enjoying the moment.
Monica Packer: I love this whole premise of sharing the responsibilities, which honestly is going to be a little uncomfortable. And it’s the number one sticking point I see in the woman I work with because they’re getting better. I think overall about being able to isolate what they want and what they want things to look different and how they want things to look different, but they’re not so good at.
Expressing it because it’s uncomfortable to do so.
It’s. It’s making things inconvenient for someone else. It requires conversations. It sometimes requires excavation, you know, within how
marriages have been going. And also like what worked before isn’t working now. It’s just tough. So what advice do you have for women who are feeling really stuck on that step?
Dr. Amber Price: I think, I mean, everything that you just described is the self silencing, right? Like, I don’t want to speak up for what I need. Sometimes we’re like, it’s easier to just not to, although that’s not true in the long term. But, you know, we’re like what if I say something to my husband and he doesn’t like that and we end up in a fight?
It’d be easier to just avoid that. You know, what if any of those things, we just we’re used to doing what we’re doing. And so it’s sometimes easier to just stay the course, but when we can recognize that’s not actually benefiting ourselves, we may be recognized that it’s not benefiting ourselves.
Like I don’t feel that great, but if we can realize that it’s actually not benefiting our family either, like we don’t feel the connection that we could feel. When we’re self silencing, when we don’t feel like we can be ourselves, we, you know, who is the person even left to connect with if I can’t be myself or have those conversations that are important about what we both want or things like that, I’m actually breaking the connection that I’m trying to create connection, but I’m breaking it in the things that I’m doing.
So when we can realize that it matters, the things that I do, I think that can kind of give us the motivation to step forward and start to make these changes for ourselves.
Monica Packer: And with that, I’d also encourage women to start with either the thing that matters the most on their list, that they can just share their responsibilities or the thing that matters the least to them personally,
but to the other family members that they’re more than capable of taking on. And you’d be surprised about what not just your partner, your spouse can do.
It’s also your children and what they’re happy to take on. And that also, you know, part of the discomfort is letting them do it their way too, which is a whole other. episode.
We can talk about that. Any other final tips you want these women to learn?
Dr. Amber Price: Yeah. Also, I think that if we think back on our own childhood, like if you think back about the holidays that you experienced, probably you’re not remembering a lot of the things that we’re stressing about as moms. Right? Like, I think back on holiday events, and I remember being there. I remember my family, like, even if we’re talking about bigger group events.
My cousins were there. My grandparents were there. We ate food. I don’t remember what the food is. It didn’t, it, that didn’t matter. I don’t remember what plates it was served on. I don’t remember how clean the house was. I frankly don’t remember what gifts I got given or any of that. I remember the moments, the fun, the connection, the time together. And so when we let ourselves get hung up on the little details that just aren’t as important we, can maybe realize that those things aren’t really going to be the things that matter in the long run. Our kids are going to remember us being there with them and the fun that we had together and things like that.
Monica Packer: Well, it all comes back to connection. I think that’s almost
the foundation to everything you’ve shared today, whether it’s the Connection with ourselves, but also how in doing that, we’re really striving to have more connection with the people that matter most to us.
And that’s really what I want people to hear the most out of what you’re saying.
This isn’t a, I’m the most important person in the room.
It’s I’m a person in this room,
Dr. Amber Price: Yeah.
Monica Packer: right? I’m part of the family.
Okay.
Dr. Amber Price: And it needs to be, you know, there’s a religious philosopher, Martin Buber, who talked about anytime we have two seemingly opposing concepts. Which we could think of this as autonomy and the relationships, they seem like they might be opposing, but the truth is usually right in the middle, what he called a narrow Ridge.
So I always picture like a mountain Ridge and the closer I can get to that narrow Ridge in the middle, the better off I’m going to be. and really my dissertation research showed this exactly like when people forsook like themselves, their own autonomy. Okay. Their relationships just didn’t do as well and vice versa. Like you, we really need both of those
things. So when we can take a look at herself and say, I need to rebalance on one of these two things, which is, and for women, for most of the people in your audience, it’s probably the autonomy piece. I need to reclaim my autonomy. Then my relationships are better than my connection that I feel is better.
Monica Packer: Yeah. And not overnight. I mean, don’t start this
Christmas Eve or that’s going to lead to the banging of cabinet doors on Christmas morning.
So let’s not do that. I wanted to just give one other idea if that’s okay. And
I, this came to me as you’ve been talking. So I think this is actually all, you know, what you have been sharing one, one other idea I thought of is what if they prioritized their own tradition.
As I thought about, you know, you staying back when everyone’s going to a movie and reading a book, like maybe there’s a certain book you love to read each Christmas, or maybe you just love the act of, you know, reading in front of the fire when it’s all like winter or cold, or maybe it’s not cold for you outside, but or maybe there’s a certain movie you always like to watch or a food you like to make or, you know, an activity that you like to do.
What if that were on the list?
Dr. Amber Price: I love that. Yeah. Yeah. And I can think of several of those for myself. When you said favorite movie, 12 Dates of Christmas, I don’t know if you’ve seen that. It is my absolute favorite movie of all time, which is so
Monica Packer: Yeah. No, I love that.
Dr. Amber Price: make sure to watch it three or four times every year and my boys know they can watch it with me and things.
But yeah, I love prioritizing things like that matter to me
too.
Monica Packer: And this is, you know, earlier when you were talking about like, what do your kids love to do when we’ve asked them that question? I think last year we did that and they were like, love to, to watch movies and I was like, okay, easiest tradition. Let’s do that. I’m fine being a movie family.
Dr. Amber Price: One of our family traditions is we, I don’t, this started years and years ago, but we just get pizza and we sit by the Christmas tree to eat it on the first Monday in December. And I’m like, if you ask any of my kids, what their favorite holiday tradition is, it’s
that, and it takes hardly any effort. We pick up pizza, we turn on the Christmas tree lights and we sit under the tree and just sit and talk and eat.
And it’s like 30 minutes long by the time we’re done, but it’s so simple, but they love it. And I love it too. So,
Monica Packer: Okay. And you know, it’s making me remember some of the traditions people brought up last year that they love. Yeah. A lot said getting takeout on Christmas Eve or like going out to eat as
a family. Yeah.
So, I mean, that goes to your final tip. Like, don’t get hung up on the little things. It’s really the small moments.
It’s really the connection that matters. Amber, this has been a great conversation. And I hope really timely for the women who are listening, where should people go if they want to learn more from you and what do you have to offer them?
Dr. Amber Price: Well, everything that I do circles around the self silencing and reclaiming your autonomy and just how much that can benefit your relationships, any of your relationships, whether that’s marriage or motherhood or friendship or things like that. So I’ve got a website, amberaprice. com and I’ve got articles there.
I’ve got courses and programs. I’ve got, you know, just things that can help you figure out how to reclaim your autonomy, walk you through it. I, you know, I’ve got a free. Five day series that walks you through just some baby steps that you can take to start to reclaim your autonomy. So that’s probably the best place to start is at my website. Amberaprice. com.
Monica Packer: Great. We’ll make sure we link that in the show notes or a final question for you today is what is one thing women can do to take action on what they learned?
Dr. Amber Price: I mean, I guess this doesn’t sound that unique since we’ve been talking about it the whole time, but I just think reclaim your autonomy. Feel okay about acknowledging that you are a person too, that you are part of this. Scenario too, and that you need to be able to make choices for yourself. I think when we can frame it from that perspective, it’s not, I’m going to be selfish. It’s not, I’m going to be selfish. It’s, I’m going to make choices that feel right to me. I’m going to have ownership of who I am too. And when you start to do that little by little, you’re going to notice that you feel a lot more connection with the people in your life that you’re wanting to feel connected to.
So just that baby step forward can really start to make a difference.
Monica Packer: And that’s a mindset shift. Really.
Dr. Amber Price: Yep.
Monica Packer: Thank you for the advice to start there and for this fantastic conversation. I so appreciate your time.
Dr. Amber Price: Yeah. So fun to chat with you. Yeah.
Monica Packer: Well, another great one for the books there.
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