In this candid coaching call with Kate, a stay-at-home mom of two young children, we unravel the layers of perfectionism in parenthood and how we can treat ourselves with self-compassion.
Kate shares her experiences of navigating the challenges of motherhood amidst major life transitions, including a cross-country move and the transition from working to full-time parenting. I encourage Kate to level with herself about her circumstances and redefine what it means to be a good mom within the context of her reality.
Through practical exercises and reframing techniques, Kate recognizes that being a good mom doesn’t mean being perfect—it means showing up with love, kindness, and a willingness to learn and grow.
About a few other things…
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica: Kate, thank you for doing this coaching call with me today.
Kate: Hi, I’m excited to be here and chat with you a little bit.
Monica: We always start with a little introduction
so tell us a little bit about you.
Kate: I am a mom, stay at home mom. I have two young kiddos. I have a three and a half year old daughter and an almost one year old little boy. About two years ago, my husband and I made a cross country move from everyone and everything we’ve ever known.
, and around then is when I became a full time stay at home mom. Um, before that I was working as a, as a professional home organizer, , really loved it. And so, uh, now, now I do some very, very part time work, doing some social media management for a lady I used to organize for. Awesome. That’s what I do.
Monica: Cool. Well, what brought you here today?
Kate: I’m finding that I am seeing a lot of my perfectionist tendencies pop up in my parenting and it is really affecting the way that I parent, yeah, I guess just struggling being the parent that I want to be, um, and trying to get out of that perfectionist mindset, wouldn’t it?
Comes to my parenting.
Monica: Okay. I mean, I can just raise my hand on, on the side of the screen, especially when my kids were the same age as yours right now, and being very far away from home and support. It’s really humbling. You know, what can come up? Yeah. What kind of scenario do you find this typically happening when you can identify, Oh, that’s my perfectionistic sneaking in?
Kate: Yeah. I think the first one that comes to mind is. I’ll use my daughter as an example, she is going through a very, we call it the three major stage, a lot of emotions. I, so I find sometimes when she reacts to something, if I tell her no, not right now, or, you know, just having a general tantrum, I find it really difficult to stay calm in that moment.
Sometimes I’m very calm, but I find it in those moments when I don’t respond the way that I want to. In that situation, I find myself really beating myself up about it, but like if I, if I respond by yelling or just, uh, you know, and I’m the type of person I do, I do a lot of research, take, I’ve taken classes, I’ve read books.
I, I love that, that side. I love, I love that. You know, going to school, things like that. And so I feel like I, in a way, in those moments, I tell myself, Oh, I know better. I know better than to respond like that. Or that’s not you. That’s not me responding that way.
Yeah, it goes back to just beating myself up and telling myself I know better and that’s not the way I wanted to respond and yeah, it kind of spirals from there.
Monica: So is the, is the problem mostly the after effects of that and the guilt that you get swept away with, or is it more, what do I, how do I handle it in the moment?
Kate: It might be a little bit of both. We can explore that. But I, in the moment, I, as I’m responding the way I don’t want to respond, I’m, I’m getting mad at myself.
I, I think the guilt is creeping in right there. And then, , it almost feels out of my control sometimes, , and then afterward, I do try to go repair with my daughter and say, sorry, and you know, that’s the most important part, but I still feel this general sense of like, ah, I just, I’m frustrated that this is happening multiple times a day.
Um, yeah. That this is just kind of generally the way I’m responding to situations.
Monica: So there’s two, I wouldn’t say levels, but two scenarios, how this perfectionism is unfolding. It’s in the moment, been able not to respond in the ways that you want to.
Um, and we’re going to explore that. And also the, after they, to me do share the same roots though, like you said of perfectionism, but let’s talk about a big root to perfectionism is identity. Thank you. You know, it’s, it’s so interesting how this shows up everywhere. It’s your identity as you view yourself as a person, but also as a mom, but also who you think you should be as a mom and how that translates to your children and how they should respond and match accordingly.
And, and perhaps fall in line with, you know, the good parenting that you are doing and they’re not, they’re not following what it should be like of those I want to kind of start with just more of a zoom out. Picture a bit, tell me, what do you think a good mom is supposed to look like in these kinds of scenarios with a child that is being defiant or not following through pushing back?
What would a good mom look like there?
Kate: The first thing comes to mind, when I’m feeling myself, I’m able to be calm and, and, you know, Be calm with my daughter and talk her through it and I can listen to her cry and I cannot get upset about it and I respond lovingly I can access that wisdom that I, things that I’ve learned of how, um, I want to respond in a given situation.
And those days when I do feel in tune with myself, that’s when I really feel like a good mom and then, and then days, yeah, when I don’t respond that way, I don’t feel like I feel like a very good mom.
Monica: Okay. There’s some good news here to me, because you didn’t explain someone who is this idealized picture, perfect person.
You just described yourself on a good day, which honestly gives me a lot of hope for what you’re working on because you didn’t go so far off that it’s like who on earth matches that picture of being a good mom. You already know it’s just me. It’s me be myself in ways that I can respond more than reacting. , and also it seems like you’re so informed as a parent, which is so incredible. I mean, you’re already so far ahead of the game and having this research to back up who you want to be as a parent and building up that identity of who you want.
So that alone is half the work and we don’t have to do that right now, which is really great. And good job. You like, that’s really great. So let’s talk then about when you are in the moment and you’re not in alignment, how do With who you know you are and who you want to be as a mom, what thoughts go on in your head?,
Kate: So, even today, being a little impatient with my daughter as she’s not listening or, she’s just crying a lot about things that, They’re hard to her, but, you know, they’re just little things, but I get mad at myself.
I feel like I feel so tired right now. I need a moment to, gather me or sometimes I feel like, man, I need a minute to cry. Why don’t I get a minute to cry? There’s just a lot of those types of thoughts of, Man, I have to respond to your needs right now, but I really feel like I am struggling over here.
Um, it’s those, it’s those moments when she’s having a hard time. I am also having a hard time myself. And so it makes it difficult to respond to her well, because I can’t respond to myself.
Monica: I see. Um, this is like making you more emotional. What are the feelings then that come up with those same thoughts?
You talked about struggling. What else?
Kate: Yeah, just struggling myself. And there’s, there’s probably a lot of the identity thing. They’re not feeling very fulfilled. Um, like I said in, in the beginning, I kind of had this ideal situation before I became, , a stay at home mom. , for the first year of my daughter’s life, I got out of the house and worked two days a week organizing people’s homes, and I love to organize.
And so it was really fulfilling. I got to do that two days a week, but then also be home with my daughter and got to be a really good mom to her on those days. Um, and so it’s, it’s been a little difficult, now because it feels like I have to fit in the things that I like to do, kind of in the cracks during naptime or after the kids go down to bed and my husband’s working late, then I think, Oh, I can.
do some of these other things that I like to do that make me fulfilled. Especially since having another baby,, almost a year ago, it’s just made it even trickier to find those moments to feel fulfilled the way that I used to. So I think sometimes in those moments when my kids are both being very needy and I find myself not only struggling to respond the way that I want to, but also just I’m not feeling myself. And it sometimes makes me feel selfish, because I feel like I have all these. Things that I want to do and this part of me that needs that, but it feels like it’s not an option because I have to respond to my kids. So I think there might be a little bit of, yeah, maybe a lot of resentment there sometimes towards my family members that do need so much.
Monica: So when you feel those feelings, is that where the guilt comes from?
Kate: Yeah. I think so. I feel bad for feeling that way,
probably because I almost feel like I can’t do anything about it and you know, there might be that idea too in my head that, a good mom just does everything for her kids. Yeah, it just is
a struggle sometimes to give everything to my kids when I feel like I’m not receiving anything in return, you know.
Monica: So let’s go back to that good mom identity. Although at the beginning, we’re like, it’s so great. You know what you want to be as a good mom, that subconscious ideal definitely sneaking in here, right? A good mom gives everything. That’s something you just said in another way. Yeah. A good mom gives everything.
A good mom doesn’t have her own needs, maybe. A good mom has endless energy. A good mom is always patient. What are the things come up with that? A good mom is always fulfilled. Yeah, I would, I would say it’s pretty much all of that. Um, good mom is, uh, always patient, always kind, always giving, always, always all these things.
Kate: Um, and I feel like I can’t measure up to that. Yeah. Yep. So it almost feels like I spend my time on the other end of the spectrum. Or when I am in those moments where I’m feeling the other end of the spectrum, where I’m like, I can’t be any of those things. So I’m none of those things.
Monica: Yeah.
The all or nothing pendulum swing, but also the all or nothing, uh, stick that you’re hitting yourself with. Yeah. Like, yeah. Either you’re all these things or you’re none of them. So in your head, it’s not that you’re not being a good mom, it’s that you’re being a terrible mom. Yeah. I’d agree with that. And it, and it feels a little like sometimes I feel like it feels a little, a little catastrophic like, Oh, I can’t reach that.
Kate: And so sometimes I feel like I’m spending my time down in the pits. Because some days I, I get close to that where I feel calm and, and I feel great. I’m so kind and connecting moments with my kids and respond the way I want to respond. But yeah, there are, there’s, I feel like a lot of times where I don’t, feel any of that.
And so, yeah, it’s, it feels catastrophic. It feels, it feels awful. It feels, um. Scary. Yeah. It feels a little hopeless sometimes. Like, how do I. Dig myself out of these feelings or how do I get away from these feelings? Yeah, it just feels very there’s no in between It feels like if I’m not feeling good and calm and connected and all of these things mom in my own head, which equates to being a terrible mom in my head.
Monica: A word you’ve said a few times was a good mom always before you said something always gives everything always feels fulfilled. Always stays calm. Always, always, always.
That’s a big construct you’re giving yourself. And then, um, you’ve also mentioned a few times, just like how out of control it all feels both in the moment, like with your daughter’s behavior, which is pretty typical for a free major, but at the same time, maybe it’s not like I had a daughter that I was my oldest and I was like, you don’t know.
And it wasn’t actually typical behavior, you know, sometimes you don’t know either. So you might be judging on. Yeah. Fairly right. But no matter what is that feeling of out of control, like I can’t control them and I can’t control myself. And so that leads to this spiral. Yeah, I would agree. And I think I do like to have some sense of control and it sometimes feels like everything is out of my control.
Kate: Ever since we made this cross country move two years ago, um, you know, we moved somewhere we didn’t know anyone, um, had to build our own community, figure out, you know, orient ourselves where, where we are. Um, so it’s been a lot. It’s been a lot. A lot feels like it’s out of my control. And so when it comes to parenting my kids, that also feels like I have no control over it sometimes.
And, and, and I think I’m just trying to grasp for some control over something. It’s hard to find things that I can control. And so it feels disorienting, um, um, A lot of the time
Monica: and deeply, not just both circumstantially, right? Like you’re getting triggered there.
You’re getting dysregulated. Your emotions are going high. Your cortisol is going up, your body’s reacting, but also like deeply inside. It’s really just, what’s the word you use? Disorienting. It’s really disorienting when all those things are happening at once. And when it also goes in a spiral, okay, like when things keep happening and it just feels like you’re, you continue to confirm.
I don’t have control. I’m a mediocre slash bad mom. My kids only will remember me in this way, or I did not react that way. Like it’s that spiral of actions and affirming. Okay. Yes. Yes. That’s spot on. Well, you know, I know because you’ve been there because I have been there like almost to a T with what you’re experiencing right now.
So this is where I would say like, if you and I were one on one clients together, then this would be something I’d be. Like so excited to dig into, but also knowing that it’s going to take time and there’s many, many pieces to this very big puzzle that we would need to hit on from self care to seeking out support to systems that you have in your home that help with that time to yourself, having time to yourself, um, communication with your spouse.
I mean, there’s so many things. There’s so many. Okay. But I want to give you a foundational way to begin. And to then be able to work on all those things over time yourself. And that to me comes back to this identity piece. Okay, so let’s start with leveling with yourself in many ways. First, I want you to level with yourself about your circumstances.
This means. See yourself in your situation from a bird’s eye view. I say, this is zoom out. This is where you objectively just take stock of what are my circumstances that are feeding into me feeling disoriented and motherhood. So what are those level with me?
Let’s be honest about it. What are the factors? Um, Um, just my life, just kind of what’s generally going on in life, um, yeah, two young kiddos. I’m still in that first year postpartum, um, uh, and, and dealing with a lot of, I still really struggle with a lot of those hormone shifts. We just weaned my baby off of breastfeeding.
Kate: So there’s that whole, um, we moved somewhere. We don’t know anyone. We have a community now, but it’s different than having family. , I switched from working to not working. Uh, we’re in the works of maybe buying a house, maybe not buying a house, trying to figure out where we would want to move.
Do we move? So there’s this whole element of that. So there’s just, you know, lots of different moving pieces right now. And it sometimes feels really overwhelming.
Monica: And going back to some perfectionistic tendencies of wanting to control, that’s a lot out of your control. A 10. Okay. Let me just repeat this back to you.
So you can just take this in a bit. Okay. Let’s level what your circumstances are. You are in a high stress, high need stage in your life. I added those ones up for you. Yes. Thank you. If you are experiencing drastic hormonal shifts, like I’m saying drastic, I’m not overplaying that. You are not around family.
You’ve had to build up an entire community, which takes a lot of energy and time. You’ve experienced huge transitions with what you do day to day. You have very little time to yourself. If ever, um, you’re tired. You said that earlier, let’s say exhausted, you’re exhausted. Okay. You’re dealing with concerns over your housing.
Okay. There’s so much going on there
. So that’s just kind of a zoom out. Now, let’s zoom in and level with what a good mom realistically looks like. What does a good mom actually look like within these circumstances? Even,
Kate: um, I would say the kids are bed. , The kids know that they’re safe and loved
and that they can count on me, um, to just be there. Yeah. And I think part of loving them is good mom also loves them enough to apologize and make sure that they’re okay yeah, a good mom just loves her kids, and I do. I do love my kids. It’s just sometimes showing it doesn’t come out the way I want to, but yeah, yeah, I just think it comes down to meeting those basic needs of just loving them, caring for them, making sure they get a little sleep, stay on some sort of routine and have a little fun here and there.
And you know, saying it like that doesn’t feel like a lot. I think I just guilt myself for not doing more when there is so much going on.
Monica: And also how you judge yourself about how you’re feeling about motherhood right now. Yeah. I can honestly tell you that I would say every woman, but I don’t know that for a fact.
So let’s say nine out of 10 women who are facing your circumstances would be feeling the same way. Even with that transition alone from having two days a week where you could have time away and feel like a human separate from motherhood and fulfillment in that way, which gives you so much energy, like it just, it gives you physical and mental and emotional energy to return to your kids.
That transition alone is huge. Like I think maybe you have downplayed what a transition that is.
Kate: Yeah.
Monica: You know, that transition alone, I would say nine out of 10 women would be feeling the same feelings as you as a feeling overwhelmed and tapped out and resentful and tired.
Kate: Yeah. I agree. And that’s not who I want to be.
And I, I don’t feel good feeling that way. Even outside of motherhood, just even just
Monica: in general,
Kate: me being me. Yeah. In general, I just don’t like feeling that way. And I know my kids don’t enjoy when I’m feeling that way.
Monica: One of the biggest object lessons of motherhood for me is
my kids know the difference when I’m reading them a book out of resentment and when I’m reading them that same book out of love.
Yeah. So in order to help you step into the love. over resentment. I want you to level a good mother. Okay. This is what you shared. We’ll start here though. Okay. There’s many more steps to this, many more pieces. Well, let’s start here. A good mother makes sure her kids are fed, that they feel safe and that they are loved.
A good mom repairs when she makes mistakes. A good mom. Let’s add some more. I’m going to suggest a few here. A good mom isn’t always fulfilled. A good mom can get overwhelmed. A good mom can be exhausted. Not that you have to be exhausted to be a good mom.
Kate: You’re still a good mom if you’re exhausted.
Monica: Yeah.
A good mom isn’t calm all the time.
Kate: Yeah, and these are all these things, all these things I look at some of my friends who are experiencing these same things and I think they’re still being a good mom, but it’s hard to turn that into myself, I guess. Or be that compassionate with myself, um, about the kind of mom I am. So I can, I can see other moms doing those same things, struggling.
They’re exhausted. They just had a baby, you know, and I don’t keep these kinds of expectations on them. But I do on me.
Monica: If we want to change how motherhood is feeling for you, I need you to hold on to To what a good mom really looks like, I need you to remind yourself in these moments when you are not totally calm or where you feel exhausted or you’re finding yourself feeling resentment to not take those emotions as signs that you’re a bad mom to instead say, like, just say it.
I’m tired. And I’m a good mom. I did not have a good moment with my kid, but I’m a good mom because I love my child. And I’m going to show them and model repair work. Cause I bet you anything that three year old’s going to need to learn how to repair themselves. Right. Okay. When you even feel resentment, sometimes you just call it out and you say, I feel resentful.
That does not make me a bad mom. I know I’m still a good mom.
Kate: So does this look like actually saying that out loud in those moments? Because sometimes I, I feel like I’m alone with the kids all day and having very kid like conversations. Very. So maybe, maybe saying it out loud would help me. Cause I noticed when I’m, when my husband’s around and I have another adult there to kind of reaffirm things out loud to me.
It does help. So I guess just in the day to day when I’m home with the kids is it look like saying that out loud, or I guess just how do I acknowledge that. That’s an
Monica: excellent question. I would say, in the beginning, in order for you to reframe your thoughts so you can have the same emotions. You know, you can have the same feelings, but it’s changing your thoughts around them, the meanings around them, which will actually change your behaviors, by the way, it will.
Yeah. Um, but in order to start this, it will feel like a Herculean effort because you’re not used to it. You’re just used to going down the spiral. So instead I would do something different than just thinking it, I would do something with your body. That helps slow down your mind as something as simple as when you’re noticing the spiral, you can pay attention to what are the feelings in your body when you’ve typically felt triggered, maybe triggered into reacting with your child or triggered into these feelings of overwhelm and shame and sadness, inadequacy, just kind of notice what are the feelings does my heart race?
, do I get a little sweaty? Do, um, do I well up with tears? Can you even think of what? Yeah. Yeah, all those things. I just get really tense. Um, yeah, sometimes there’s crying. Um, yeah, just tense. I notice, um, like I always clench my jaw as an example. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would say that’s one that I do, or even just.
Kate: get moving too fast. Things get really kind of choppy and I’m just sure they’re getting really tense and it’s showing up in my movements and the way I’m doing things and trying to get things done. All right. So when you’re feeling that, those, those kinds of things, I want you to do something physically to not just disrupt it, but to not be carried away with it so much, but to just like, stop.
Monica: It can be as simple as take, putting your hand on your heart and taking a deep breath, one deep breath. That’s it. And from that deep breath, you can either have a mantra or something you walk yourself through. So like a mantra can be like, I am a good mom or even it’s okay. So you can remind yourself, it’s okay that I’m feeling this way.
It’s okay. What’s that bringing up for you? Don’t worry. There’s more to this, but just. Well, I just think how, I guess the first thought that came into my mind was how I want my daughter to be able to do that for herself because I know she has a lot of big emotions that come up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, um. I want her to be able to, , feel okay.
Kate: You know, that’s something I try to teach my kids. I’m like, it’s okay to feel mad. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to be angry or frustrated. And maybe modeling that to her. Stopping and doing something like that. Like putting my hand on my heart and saying it’s okay. She sees that. Um, You know, she watches everything I do.
So it was just, that’s the first thought that came to my head is that would actually be a positive thing for her to see, because I’ve already seen her, repeating some of the things that I’ve modeled, both good and bad. And, I just think about how helpful that would be for her, therefore.
probably be helpful for me.
Monica: And, and how that would make you feel in alignment. Even if you’re having a hard moment, let’s say you snap, let’s, let’s say you talk back to the, the sassy three major. I’m just assuming that she might have a little bit of sass. Okay. Let’s say she’s, she, you know, she’s just being kind of a little jerk and you respond in a way that’s a little bit sarcastic or what the resentment’s breeding out.
Okay. You notice that you notice the feeling in your body. You can even take yourself out of the room if you need to, but just take that deep breath and say, it’s okay. And then, just say the feeling, state it. I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I feel resentful. And actually feel them because that’s one thing perfectionists have a hard time with. It’s feeling the feelings. They just instead label themselves and keep spiraling down into this terrible identity instead of just saying like, I’m having a good day or that’s my feelings.
Yeah.
Kate: I just want to push it away and not
Monica: feel that way. You’ll see that anger can come up more. Anger is an excellent masker of emotions. It’s not that you’re like out of control, but if you finding yourself just like. And that resentment a lot, then that’s masking the other emotions that you’re just pushing away.
Kate: Yeah. And I do find the anger coming up a lot, um, and feeling like this isn’t me. Why am I, why am I feeling this way? But that makes sense. Cause I feel like there is a lot of underlying themes under that anger.
Monica: One of the pieces to this big puzzle is regulation.
It is learning to feel your emotions. It is processing your emotions better. And a lot of times that happens preemptively by having time to yourself, some more supportive habits that help your body get regulated, that help you process the hard emotions. And I’m going like this because mine is walking. So sorry.
Or like, you know, exercise of some sort, but, but then they’re in the moment ways to regulate. And again, this is a whole other. Like thing we could talk about for a long time, but if I’m just giving you a starting place today, it’s allowing yourself to be the good mom you are. That might sound really confusing, but it’s just embracing that.
It’s okay to be a person with emotions. It’s okay to be a good mom who’s having a hard moment. It’s okay and you’re a good mom if you weren’t calm and you didn’t react, respond the way he wanted to exactly.
It’s starting with that.
Kate: Yeah. I guess the thought that comes into my head is it’s okay. To make mistakes.
Monica: Yes.
Kate: Um,
Monica: a good mom makes mistakes.
Kate: Yeah. I just, uh, I think at this stage in my life, um, maybe it, maybe it’s just being a young mom with kids, but I just want to be really good at something. Um, especially where, where I’m not.
working full time anymore or even part time. Yeah, I just find myself really wanting to be good at this parenting thing. I mean, I don’t know what parent doesn’t want to be really good at it, but sometimes I think, yeah, just, it’s really hard to make a mistake and feel like, oh man, am I failing at this too?
So. Well, can I, can I just say we’re
Monica: leveling sometimes in this conversation we’ve been leveling. So I’m going to say something to you. You have never done this before.
Kate: Yeah. That’s true. You’ve never done this. And I also don’t have the kind of support. I’m not, I’m not around family and even if I was around family, it’s not this family situation that would have been very supportive in the first place.
But yeah, I need to have that. I need to consider that because I think I get really hard on myself over things like that where I just think, Oh, I should, I should be able to. Have this figured out by now. That’s not true. It just, it just, in my head, it just sometimes, I don’t know, maybe I do need to zoom out and realize this big picture, it’s like, it’s a very difficult puzzle.
It is. I guess if I’m thinking about a puzzle, like, you know, you’re doing a 2, 000 piece puzzle, it takes a while. Put it together, and it’s, it is hard. And
Monica: often times what happens with parenting is you take that same puzzle, it gets swept off the table. And you have to piece it back together again. And it can feel like you’re starting all over.
Yeah. But the good news is you’ve done this before and you get better at it each time it gets swept off the table. Now that can be every time that you don’t act in alignment, that’s a puzzle sweeping off the table. And it also might be a bigger picture thing. Like you finally learned how to help parent this one child and then they get into a new stage and you have to learn a whole new way of parenting the same child or a younger sibling does not respond to your parenting the way the other did.
So the biggest challenge for you right now. You know, with that puzzle, of course, there’s so many pieces like we talked about, and I would like to give you one other piece of direction to maybe head when we, when we end this conversation. But for now, the table is compassion,
Kate: compassion.
Monica: Compassion, because right now the self judgment is so harsh that it’s not doing you or your children any favors.
It’s actually making you spiral down more.
Kate: Yeah. The
Monica: good news is the spiral goes both directions, Kate. And the way that you can spiral up is with compassion for yourself right now. That means when you spiral back up, you are not perfect. It’s not like a rocket ship, you know, shooting off into space.
Okay. I’m just going to, change the way I decide a good mom looks like. And then all of a sudden I’m a good mom. Like, it’s just awesome. No, you’re still going to be a mom who has bad days, who gets dysregulated, who makes mistakes, who feels overwhelmed, um, who reacts instead of responds. But that spiral doesn’t mean you’re spiraling down anymore.
The compassion piece will help you spiral up instead. And as you’re spiraling up, those moments will get further and farther between.
Kate: I hope so. Um, I’ll take your word for it because, uh,
Monica: Do, please take my word for it.
Kate: I feel like that does resonate because I feel like compassion has been that thing that I’ve maybe breezed by in the past where I thought, Oh, I do need to have more compassion on myself. Or, well, then I kind of move past it because they’re, it feels pretty big.
Yeah. Yeah. And, um, and it’s, and it’s a hard thing to relearn. To
learn, um,
Kate: is. Compassion for yourself. Um, I find myself able to have compassion with other people, but, as far as the, self compassion goes, that’s a big puzzle piece.
Monica: And that’s why in the moment, we’re just going to practice by interrupting that spiral internally and maybe even externally, by taking a deep breath, putting your head on your heart.
Maybe some other women, like they might even just stretch or do a sun salutation. Like they’re disrupting. They’re disrupting things and, and then in finding a way to be gentle and insert compassion. It doesn’t mean you’re saying I’m the best mom ever and I never make mistakes or they’re okay. I handled that.
That’s okay. I’m just going to ignore that. I handled that wrong. It’s still about saying, , I’m feeling these things. This is why I’m feeling these things and I can still be a good mom, whether it’s repairing or it’s removing yourself or it’s asking for more help or it’s working on the other pieces of the puzzle.
Kate: Yeah. Acknowledging that I did this thing or I am feeling this or I’m X, Y, or Z, but I’m still a good mom. I am a good mom. Yes. And I know that. I know I’m a good mom. I feel like I’m a good mom. Accept in those little moments, but I need to accept that I am a good mom overall, even in those moments.
Monica: You are. And I wouldn’t say, have this conversation with someone that I was worried about and, and I keep affirming that, you know, like if it was really like behavior, then I go, Oh, this is, this is scary behavior or not okay behavior. Like that would not be, this is not, this is not the conversation I’d be having with them.
So I want to hear after all the things we shared, and I know it feels like we’re done. Just barely grazing the tip of this iceberg. Yeah. Um, and I want to validate that. Okay. I know this is not going to be a fix all right now, but what do you want to make sure you take away from this conversation?
Kate: Uh, just that I feel like, especially that compassion piece, practicing self compassion, cause I, I wonder too, if I’m having more self compassion that I can give even more of that to my own children.
Um, you will. If I’m able to give that to myself, I just wonder, yeah, the kind of mom that, or the things that I can give to my children in return, or to my husband, or to people in general. I think, yeah, I think that self compassion piece was something that really, is sticking with me. and I know, under identity, , I think , it’s leveling with myself and realizing I need to accept that I am in a hard situation, because I think there’s a big part of me that says that this is normal, other people are handling this just fine, and get on with it, Kate, Kate, and I think about accepting that it is hard, I think I don’t want to accept those hard feelings or the hard situations that I’m in, um, but maybe accepting those things will
be freeing from those hard feelings
Monica: that I’m bogging myself down with. And this is something I’m so glad you pinpointed because I have worked with many clients who similarly find themselves in this tricky situation, right? And a big part that surprises them is how they can be so, almost hard on other people in their lives.
And it really, and I’m not saying this is, this is a whole other conversation that I don’t think you’ve necessarily shared, but the point is, is as they’ve been inserting more compassion for themselves, they find it way easier to insert that compassion for those in their lives. And so when I said you will, I said that with 100 percent confidence because you will.
And there’s other things of course, that I think would be helpful for you. Even if it’s just starting with time, like having one way that you can have a little time to yourself, even if it’s 10 minutes before the kids get up, something like that, I think would be really helpful. But that can come with time too.
So let’s start with the compassion piece. I’m fully confident you can do that. Starting here is going to help you with all the other pieces.
So thank you for trusting me and being willing to have this chat with me today.
Kate: Yes, thank you. I have a lot to think about. I’m grateful.
Monica: Okay. Um, you’re dealing with, sorry, I had to think of a word you’re dealing with concerns over your housing.
Okay. There’s so much going on there
