Candace is a mom of four, who opens up about the overarching theme behind most of her challenges: speaking up and the fears that often hold her back from doing so. Candace bravely shares her struggle with finding her voice in various scenarios, from setting boundaries to discussing important issues with family and friends. Together, we dissect the root causes of this fear, shedding light on the complexities that many face when navigating difficult conversations.
If this resonates with you, I hope this candid, yet compassionate, guidance, can help you also gain valuable insights and take practical steps to find your own courage to speak up and be authentically yourself. Tune in for an episode that promises to inspire positive change in your communication style and relationships.
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica: Candace, thank you for doing this coaching call with me.
Candace: Yes. I’m excited to be here and very scared, but I’m honored that I get this opportunity.
Monica: You’re nervous-cited is what our podcast manager’s daughter describes it as nervous-cited.
Candace: That’s good.
Monica: It is good, isn’t it? How about you start with a little introduction? Tell us about you.
Candace: I’m Candace and I live in Salt Lake City, and I live with my family, my husband, my four kids and my dog. And we have a lot of fun together. And that’s basically my main life. I just love spending time with them.
Monica: And I love hearing that. I know you’re here today for, we could go a whole lot of directions because we also know each other as online buddies. Have we ever met in real life?
Candace: I think
Monica: one time,
Candace: maybe once. Yes, because I came to one of your workshops.
Monica: to say, I know I’ve given you a hug. Yes. I remember this. Okay. So with that in mind, like we do have a little bit of that connection here, so I could talk to you for hours, but let’s talk about what you are here specifically for to be coached on today.
Candace: Yes. So I would really like some help on I don’t know if it’s maybe needing the courage, but I would like to be able to speak up in many different scenarios. But I feel like once I know what my needs are, or once I have an opinion on something I would like to be able to share that. And I think I get scared or if I try, Okay.
And I get shut down, then I don’t want to try again. So I hope that I’m not the only person that feels this way. But I would really like to just be able to speak up more. And that seems so silly coming from a 38, I just had a birthday, 38 year old woman, right? But I would love your help. And I feel like you have, you might have something that I could get started on this.
Monica: I’m smiling. And by the way, the, yeah, it was for your birthday, not because you’re struggling with this. Just so people know just, I struggle with this too. So this won’t come from a place of me being like, I’m an expert. So let me tell you how it’s done, but it is like a, we can still coach on this and get to the roots of why this matters to you
that’s what this kind of coaching calls for to help you start to work on this in ways that feel in more alignment. Give me a little bit more information first, when you were talking about how you want to speak up more, what kind of scenarios are you thinking about? Is this online? Is this in church?
Is this at home?
Candace: Yeah. We had gone through a few things that I needed help with. And the way that I narrowed it down is that I think that speaking up helps cover all of these things. So I would like help speaking up, like setting boundaries. I would like help speaking up when I know that the house needs to be cleaned, and I want my kids to clean it right.
I would help speaking up When I hear something I don’t agree with whether that’s at church or with friends or on the playground as my kids get older at my oldest is 11 and my youngest is four and a half, but as they’re getting older, I’m realizing they’re really paying attention and many times they’re now the one speaking up before I do.
So I, for multiple reasons, I want to speak up for myself, but also to be an example. Does that give enough specific examples for you of maybe where I need help speaking
Monica: Yeah, it tells me more. It’s less about you trying to run for mayor and have a campaign. It’s more about these kind of real moments in your life, in person, real moments with people that you know, and you care about. These aren’t anonymous strangers online. These are people you know and love.
So with that. I would love to hear more of a scenario where this is either coming up often or in a way that always makes you feel a little bit like afterward because you didn’t speak up in ways you wish you had,
Candace: I actually was brave and I spoke up about something. I was at dinner with some really good friends we were just having a friendly conversation and I spoke up and I offended one of my good friends and I did not expect to offend him because we have very open conversations and I could tell that I struck a chord with him and not in a good way. And so it left me feeling the one time I really got the courage to speak up, I ended up hurting somebody.
Monica: Yeah.
Candace: So if we’re really going to dig to the root of why I don’t speak up about something,
Monica: Yeah.
Candace: this is the part where I cry. I think it’s because I don’t want to hurt other people, and I think I’ve done it in the past. I think that I was born a bold person. And I still am, but I think I was a little bit mouthy as a kid.
And so I think the root of why I don’t speak up, it’s because I’m worried I’m going to hurt somebody, or I’m going to come across as mean or too direct or something like that. But. I still feel really strongly about these things, even if it’s as simple as we need a clean house. You guys like pick up, that’s important.
Or if it’s about human rights,
Monica: Yeah.
Candace: that’s also important to me. And if I were trying to coach myself, that’s what I would say is if we’re really trying to get to the root, I think that’s what it is, but you might find something different. I don’t know.
Monica: I have a few other thoughts and I’m curious if any of them connect, but I think you’re right. That’s a huge part of it is a fear. A fear of hurting someone. But what’s the fear underneath that fear? What would happen if you hurt somebody?
Candace: I guess the fear could be that I damaged the relationship, so just the backlash of them being hurt what does that do to me? But if we’re taking the example of my friend who I offended for sure I’m much more worried about conserving the relationship that would be the scariness is like not having them as good friends anymore would be the worst ever.
Monica: Yeah. It seems like when you are voicing things, it’s not just about opinions. It’s not just voicing what you think it’s voicing, who you are,
Candace: Yes.
Monica: what matters to you. It’s not like just sharing cheddar cheese is my favorite cheese. It’s this is a really important thing that connects to my soul and
Candace: Yes. And it’s out, it’s definitely tied to rejection, right? I can say, oh, I don’t want the relationship to end or get worse. That’s rejection. I’m afraid that I’m going to be rejected for whatever idea I present or something that I say, and that would go across the board.
Monica: and not just for the idea. And not just for the thing you say, but for who you are, that to me is the bigger connection. So we’ve got a lot of fears here, fears of relationships being damaged, fears of backlash, but ultimately I believe it comes down to a fear of rejection of who you are, how’s that happen to you? Is that part of what the history is too? When you’re maybe bolder, when you were younger, I was a mouthy kid, just so you know, to, you
Candace: Yes, totally. Yeah.
Monica: Or was it just like a silent message of
Candace: you know what? I know. I had a really great second grade teacher who made me fill out a goal sheet every day on how well I could, commiserate with people. So she made me aware of other people’s feelings. And there was like an empathy thing on there too, where it’s just a question of, I would do an action, take somebody’s colored pencils and she would the empathy question was, how did the other person feel when you did that? Or when you said that, or, so I do remember that from a young age, I had teacher that recognized, you need to have a little bit more empathy for these people. And, help people who are. Suffering feeling bad, go and commiserate with them instead of make their situation worse.
so I know that comes up, but I don’t know that I would have to do some really deep digging for rejection, right? Like I had a great family growing up, regular teasing and such, but rejection hasn’t been an issue for me. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard now. Because I have learned a lot of other things along my way, but maybe rejection is just something I haven’t had to face yet.
Monica: And maybe it’s because you’ve gotten good at reading the room and knowing when that could be the potential thing happening and you shirk from that.
Candace: totally. I
Monica: way to stay safe,
Candace: Yeah. Yeah.
Monica: Here’s what I think, and normally that’s not about what does Monica think? But I think we don’t need to, by the end of this call, have you being on a megaphone wherever you go and shouting what you think is right.
That’s not the goal. I think from this coaching call, I believe the goal is to give you more peace of mind around starting to share more about who you really are with people you care about.
Candace: Yeah.
Monica: And again, not with a megaphone, even in a small room or having to share it all or give it all away, but it’s about building up that resilience and also skill set.
I’ve been able to share who you are that in ways that might contradict with someone else’s own vision of their self and how you can do that in a way where you feel you have a meeting of minds and you’re seeing each other instead of a, we have to agree with each other in order to be seen.
Candace: Yeah. I feel like I know how to do it. Like I know how to. Be like, okay this really doesn’t feel great, but I know it’s right for me.
So I’m going to do it. I know that, but what I don’t know is I don’t know how to motivate myself. To get through that hoop of uncomfortableness or backlash or rejection if yeah especially because they are people I know, if I do want to speak up to people I know, I can guess the scenario already, right?
I’ve been in these scenarios for a long time. So it’s almost like I run through it in my head and the part where I would speak up or, put myself open to rejection, I definitely would shy away from. So in a real life scenario, how do I call upon the courage to do it? Because that’s also really sad to be living a life where half the time maybe I’m not showing up as my real self.
That
Monica: Yeah.
Candace: Sad for me and also sad for other people, right? I’m a pretty cool person and it seems just sad for everybody. And I also, I would love to be the person that creates that space for somebody else to speak their mind. That, that would be awesome. And for, I don’t really, I usually don’t have a problem with other people speaking their minds.
So what is it? Why where can I find that motivation to try one time again? Cause I already tried last weekend and it was a bust or it wasn’t depending on how I look at it, but still like, where do I get that? What do you think I could do?
Monica: So first I think it’s grounding yourself in some things you already said here about why this matters so deeply to you, because I actually don’t think you have to speak up all the time in order to be seen. I don’t think you have to speak up in every scenario. And with every person, there are people that even if they love you are not quite there yet.
Candace: Yeah.
Monica: And that can happen in other ways. Like a long term kind of picture, right? Like we’re working towards that with this person,
Candace: Okay,
Monica: but at the heart of it it’s trusting. In yourself and why this matters to you, even if that’s in the moment, like this topic matters to me so much that I’m willing to override my discomfort and my fear of rejection, even with this person who I know might not easily give me the space because the topic matters so deeply to me and my core values or the reverse can be true.
This person matters so deeply to me that I want them to know who I really am and what I really think.
Override the discomfort. Of them, maybe not agreeing with me because they matter so much to me.
Candace: right. Okay. The other thing that I was thinking as you were talking is that, sometimes I don’t do it because I’m afraid, but. Until I do it, I don’t really even know how sold I am on the idea anyway. Like I tell myself over and over again, right?
Yeah, it’s really important to have a clean house. I really love having a clean house. But then the second that I make my kids clean the house, I’m like, wait, no, that’s way more important to my husband. I’m just going to let him do that next time.
Monica: So it’s still weirdly vulnerable because you’re like, what if this isn’t totally right for me? Yeah.
Candace: and isn’t there a power in having an idea and then voicing it? Like then you really decide, Oh, is that what I think is right? Sometimes it comes out and you’re like, yes, this sounds right. And other times it comes out and you’re like, what was I thinking for the past 10 years? This isn’t even me anymore.
And maybe I’m just out of practice in general. Maybe it’s like COVID or. Like maybe, or there’s just so many touchy subjects these days.
Monica: There are a lot.
Candace: I’m just out of practice of speaking what I think so then I’m worried like, what if that’s not what I really mean? And then I offended somebody for nothing.
And here I am overthinking it, right? Clearly. Yeah
Monica: I do think there’s a combo of for sure there’s way more touchy topics and maybe that’s just how it goes as we get older. I’m sure our parents can like recount this decade, you can talk about this anymore. And then five years later, it was this, like I’m sure we just are accruing more of those touchy topics as we get older, but yeah, out of practice with COVID.
You should have seen the first like year of conversations I attempted to have with people in my neighborhood where I was like, I can’t even have a coherent sentence come out of my mouth? Yes, but I think the heart of it is just this lack of confidence, not lack of confidence in your ideas necessarily, although that can come up.
But to me, that’s more about the backlash part or like how it plays out. You just be like second guessing yourself, maybe not just the idea, but how you did it or how you said it, or was that was all for nothing
Candace: Yeah. It’s just so much easier to, I don’t know, conform to everybody else I think in some of these instances, it’s just, it’s a lot harder to find confidence in me than it is to sit quiet and feel like I’m not being myself.
Monica: And also there’s just weird performance anxiety too, of speaking up, I have to be eloquent. I have to be sure in my ideas. I have to not like you have to convince them because I don’t think that’s the type of conversation you’re trying to have, but you want to at least have those coherent sentences that make you seem like you’ve thought about this deeply.
And it’s not just like a repetition of someone you heard online and then you get accused of that. So there’s a performance anxiety piece.
Candace: And because I definitely wouldn’t want it to be reactive in any way either,
Monica: Okay.
Candace: right? Especially if I’m hoping to say something that’s going to change a situation, I’m hoping to say something that, people will actually clean the house afterward, or they might look at a subject a little bit differently.
After I say something, I feel like. Yeah, it has to makes sense for sure and also something I really actually believe in and I can explain it in the way that helps them understand how I believe in it like it’s now it’s getting really complicated Monica I thought I was scared.
Monica: In some ways this should be comforting because now you can see this is all laid out. Of course you’re scared. Of course.
Candace: I know but I don’t want to be.
Monica: Yeah. You’re ready now. You’re ready to overwrite that. And that’s why I’m wanting to continue in that conversation of like, how do we help you with this? Because you are at the point where your values and the wanting to be seen is outweighing the fear, but you don’t have the practice. Of actually doing it
Candace: Yeah,
Monica: and that first attempt didn’t go so well. So now you also have this like seeming proof that you’re bad at it when really it was just a first timer and that’s a skill. Yeah.
Candace: yes. And I do feel like if I put myself in an imaginary scenario where I am going to be opening up or, willing to risk rejection I, I feel like it’s, selfish. Now I’m feeling like I’m being selfish if I I. Put myself out there, rather than just let my certain family member or my certain friend go along with the status quo.
I think that’s hard. I can look at it from a, from different viewpoints but when I’m looking at it, I’m like, yeah, I just feel selfish then.
Monica: If I were to say that to you, what would you say to me?
Candace: I, I would say that it probably does feel selfish, but it doesn’t have to be selfish.
Monica: Yes.
Candace: Yeah, you can feel that way, but in the end, the selfish thing to do is to not be your authentic self around people, especially the ones that you’ll have in your life for a long time.
Monica: And it’s having more faith in yourself. Like I can do this. In a wise way and I can disagree with someone in a way that is still in alignment with who I am, I can share a strong opinion without making it all about me, or suddenly bringing up the 20 page thesis.
Like I recently read on it or that I wrote in my mind about it. You don’t have to take up all the space to take up space
Candace: right. Okay. And then the other thought that I had was that, I can practice repairing with people, right? If I actually do,
Monica: Yes.
Candace: If something does go super wrong that, I can practice with that. And if they aren’t willing to stick around for an apology, that’s heartfelt and real, then , maybe they’re just not for me.
I feel like maybe I’m out of practice speaking up, but I’m also out of practice repairing because. That’s just going to happen and I feel certain people in my life, like we do a bazillion repairs every day. But when you go to this like next outside circle,
Monica: That’s tougher.
Candace: yeah.
Monica: Yes. So as we’ve been talking, I think we’ve gotten to some big roots that really matter. It’s a fear of rejection. It’s a fear of not being known. It’s a fear of taking up too much space, of being selfish. That’s a fear of not doing it lots of fears at play. And let’s again, validate no wonder why this has been hard for you. And this is your egos doing its job. And one of the things I like to do with my coaching clients is just say Oh, that sweet little ego. It’s just. Trying to do its job is trying to protect you and it’s going to throw out every fear possible when it’s easier for it to have that status quo, because that means you’re safe, but you’re also stuck and you are ready to be in that discomfort zone of challenging.
The fears that your ego is going to bring up to protect you of pressuring yourself against those and ways that feel in more alignment with the deeper you, the real you, the one that has these values that are now ready to override the discomfort and the fear. So with that all being said I have some steps that I think would be helpful from here.
And if it’s okay, if I throw these out to you and then you can decide that’s really resonating with me and that feels right to me, or not so much that one. And that’s all okay. And I think the first thing is to acknowledge that this isn’t going to be comfortable or easy.
And also it’s going to be messy.
Candace: Yes.
Monica: not going to be comfortable or easy and it will be messy. Just know that. Okay. Just embrace that. This is how it’s going to feel.
Candace: No.
Monica: Okay. Then we’re done here. We go.
Candace: I’ll just treat it like my house, Monica. It’ll be fine.
Monica: We’ll do one step at a time and I have a good way of I’m thinking about where we can start just so So just one, just say yes. This is hard,
And that’s okay that it’s going to be hard. The second thing is to narrow in on does this outweigh the fear that my, does my value, my relationship with this person outweigh the fear of doing this wrong or rejection or taking up space?
Candace: Okay.
Monica: So in the moment, try to think about that, does my value and my relationship with this person does it outweigh the fear I have of speaking up
Candace: Okay.
Monica: and then you’ll know to speak up.
Then with that, here’s what I’m thinking of. I think the skillset might help you in some way of having some great sentence starters
Candace: Ooh, yeah.
Monica: that help you feel bold enough to speak up but in alignment enough.
Where you’re not doing it in a way that’s not you either, where you’re just like, I think this and you are wrong, or. And that’s not you anyway. I know you’re wiser than that, but having a few in your back pocket that you can always say, I used to feel that way, but then this happened to me, or I read this article that was so interesting.
So you have those sentence starters that help you break into it without having to do so in ways that feel completely outside of your comfort zone. We’re just trying to stretch it a little bit. And that’s as far as you can maybe have to go for these first couple of conversations. It’s just beginning with the Kind of that curiosity
Candace: okay.
Monica: As part of that, maybe one of your sentence starters is just being transparent about how you’re scared to share this, , I’m probably going to mess up how I say this, or I don’t have this idea totally figured out in my head, but let me verbally process for a sec, this is going to be messy,
Candace: Okay.
Monica: or this one’s a really scary topic for me to speak on, so know that as I’m Thank you.
Just going to share with you where I’m at with this.
Candace: Okay.
Monica: And that it goes back to that first thing. Like when you would embrace, this is going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be messy. But being able to lead that with a conversation, just show like I’m human and I’m not going to say this perfectly, but that also will somehow give you that courage to speak up more and also them, the grace to listen.
Candace: Okay.
Monica: To see the human behind the thought that might challenge their own thoughts.
And then as I wouldn’t say the backlash happens, I would not expect that it’s always going to be backlash, but I would say, as it plays out, I want you to have the inner strength to speak back to yourself. And when I’m talking about yourself, I’m talking about the ego side of you.
That’s going to be like, Oh, you really messed that up. Or Oh, there you go, Candace. There, you’re the know it all again, or whoa, you were very incoherent or just you’re like, they hate me. They hate me. They hate me. Or I messed it up. It’s all for nothing. You have to challenge that thought, especially that you had with your family.
It’s all for nothing. Speak back to that self and work on shifting it to trust in one, that it was worth it to you anyway, because the relationship or the value outweighed the fear to trust that that you can build the skill set. Of speaking up over time that it’s not going to happen the first.
Or 10 times or more, perfectly. And also trust that you have the ability to repair because you’re trusting the relationship that you have with that person as much as they are able, because there will be people who still will not want to hear it. And relationships may change,
Candace: Yeah.
Monica: but not all of them.
And it would probably be pretty rare, especially as you’re building up that skillset of being able to do that in a way that. It’s both transparent and loving, but also bold.
Candace: Right.
Monica: So those are my thoughts. And one of the ways I think you could start is having a repair conversation with that friend.
Maybe you’ll find that you were reading reaction from them wrong, or maybe you were right. And they appreciate that you’ve come to them. And now you can just talk about that and you don’t even have to have the conversation about the conversation, the topic again,
But you can show what it means to be in relationship with someone who similarly has the same fears at play.
Candace: Right.
Monica: And that you are there to just accept them for who they are, fears and all.
And it can start with the same thing. Does my relationship with this person outweigh my fear of this repair conversation going well? Yes, it does. Can I speak with a sentence starter that is more transparent? I’m really nervous, but I just can’t not have this conversation with you. When I spoke up, I felt like I hurt you in this way.
Or I could tell that it Made you feel uncomfortable. I didn’t intend for that. I’m grateful that you gave me some space to share an important part of me. And I just want you to know that I’m fine with whatever part of you, you felt like I was not appreciating, just that
Candace: Yes. Yeah.
Monica: And then speak back to yourself when that, those fears come up and build up that inner trust.
If I will know what to do, I can handle this with love. Even if I fumble through my words, I can always come back to trusting that I will know how to work through. Again, on repair with them or trying at least trying.
Candace: I’m writing. That’s why I’m so quiet. I’m trying to write all this down. And I just, I feel like to anybody listening who has the same issue I can’t imagine the difference we would make in the world. If all of us could wake up and be able to do these steps, because we would probably not say some things that we shouldn’t say, and we would definitely say more things that we should so I’m just sitting here contemplating the magnitude that if all of us really did this, it would really be a cool world.
Monica: And again, like this is one of those times where I need to better practice what I preach, at least in certain scenarios. There are some, I felt like I’ve had a lot of practice for some reason. I was voted as the person to have the hard conversations with the roommates or the hard coworker or the neighbor.
Candace: I’d vote for you too on any day on that
Monica: I will say I have a lot of practice with those kinds of scenarios, but with my most intimate family members, no, I’m right there with you. Like sinking in the deep water and just being like, nope. Let’s just zip it. Zip
Candace: Status quo is the way to go. And it’s not, that’s a lie. Sometimes it is the way to go and other times it really isn’t. I really like the trust part, because At the end of the day, whether or not we say something, we have to be able to trust in ourselves and we have to be able to trust that the relationships that we’re working towards or living in or with that they’re here for us for a reason.
And
Monica: And trust that it’s okay that it’s a mess too and you still did the right thing.
I didn’t, it didn’t play out really well, like a textbook or exactly like Monica thought it would, and that didn’t happen in that order, but I can trust that it was worth it to me. I can trust that was the right decision for me to at least try.
Candace: And I think that trust is actually, if I’m zooming out on this issue.
Monica: It’s a big one.
Candace: Rejection is basically the opposite of trust, right? And so to be feeding myself to my own ego, a message of trust,
Monica: Yes.
Candace: that will help overall with this fear of rejection. You’re a genius.
Monica: Only in this moment, only in this moment and with you but no, like I said, this is something I too, I’m going to similarly practice with some areas I have felt similarly pushed to
Candace: good.
Monica: up better. And
Candace: Let’s all do it together.
Monica: I’ll say one more thing, Candace, when we’re about to open that mouth and it’s like, Oh crap, here it goes.
What I’m going to do is take a deep breath first. And I know, about the deep breath and you talk about this too, and we’ve talked about it together. Just take that deep breath first and ground yourself in that self trust and just knowing that this is worth it and I will be able to figure it out.
It’s going to be okay. Even if it’s not in the moment. So that’s how I’m going to start that deep breath.
Candace: I’ll do it too, Monica. Great suggestion.
Monica: in this together. You got this. I want to hear from you how it all goes. So make sure you check in with me, but thank you. Thank you for this. That was an awesome conversation and such a good reminder for all of us. So thank you very much.
Candace: You’re so welcome. Thank you.
