Ashley is in a busy season that many of you may relate to. She has 2 young children, and is pregnant with her third, having just moved to a new city and about to pursue a graduate degree. Her circumstances, without question, are leading to some exhaustion and even uncertainty about how to navigate her day-to-day life.
In this coaching call you hear Ashley explain her challenges, then work with me to slowly break down the issues, leaving with a plan to rebuild in a way that feels more aligned with who she is. Whether your pain point relates to having young children or not, the tools we sort through will undoubtedly help whatever struggle you are having. From creating even a small Do Something List, to finding exciting hobbies, then identifying a mantra to cling to, you can also leave this episode equipped with what you need to face your hard things head on.
About a few other things…
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica: Ashley. I’m so excited to be coaching you today. Can you give us a little introduction?
Ashley: Yeah. So I’m Ashley.
I am a mom of two kids. I have a three year old and an almost two year. And I’m also pregnant with our third. We just moved to New York city. I will be starting a master’s of social work in the fall online and my husband just graduated medical school. We moved here for a research year for him and then hopefully he will start residency next year.
Monica: That is a lot. That’s a lot, all for one person and in New York city, no less. I didn’t know about that big, that big move. So obviously I’m sure there’s a lot we could talk about today, but what’s you know, on the forefront of your brain, like what are you here for that I can help you with?
Ashley: Yeah. My question is how do we deal with that transition from our kids being asleep, we kind of have freedom to do whatever we wanna do, whether that’s nap time or first thing in the morning to then having to be responsive to their needs their wants, whatever their emotions are or that day. And how do we, how do we kind of embrace that transition.
Monica: This is such a good question, because I know this is still a struggle for me in, in many ways, I think less so than it was years ago, but definitely for all of us, we, we can relate to this.
So I see this more as a question about transition between freedom, which is a word you use. And that’s a really interesting word, and we’re gonna talk more about that and responsibilities that transition of having to go from basically zero to a hundred. Right. And in serving other people and being responsible for them.
Can you, can you describe a scenario that this is coming up for you often?
Ashley: Yeah, so I notice that most coming up first thing in the morning like I mentioned, I’m pregnant. I do have a bit of morning sickness still, so sorry. I know that it’s, it’s ideal to wake up before your kids, but that’s just not happening right now. So I wake up to my kids and immediately it’s you know, they wanna play, they want breakfast you know, immediately they have their needs. And I’ve, I’ve found myself kind of defaulting to maybe turning on a show for them.
And you know, that started with just like one show, then two shows and it really became difficult to wanna turn the TV off and engage with my kids. Because I think I was, I was kind of dreading that transition and I noticed then it, it became difficult to be present with them really. It took a couple of hours to really get there and be able to be present with them because I was I’m not, I don’t feel like I go into it with the right mindset.
Monica: Mm-hmm . and the mindset that is still, I mean, let’s zoom out a bit affected by your circumstances, which are very real. And part of your season having really young children and their needs cannot be met on their own right now very well, if at all. Right. So when you say like, I need to be responsible and they have needs, they, they need you.
That’s what they need. And that’s tough. Like when you need to be not just on the clock. Completely on the clock when they’re ready for you. So let’s give an equal part, like compassion for why you’re there. You’re going through a lot physically and mentally. You have a lot coming up and you also have these needs.
So with that, let me ask you, regardless of what needs to change, like I, I, let’s not try to change you waking up earlier, right? That doesn’t seem relevant to your season. Would that be accurate to you?
Ashley: Yeah, it’s definitely something I try and do once I’m, you know, not pregnant and my kids are sleeping through the night again, but in that stage of, you know, pregnancy and postpartum, it’s, it’s just not something that I’m able to consistently do.
And I, yeah, I know that now I’ve done it twice.
Monica: Rest needs to be prioritized right now for sure. I, 100% support that. So when you are in that transition, I’m just gonna get into that moment with you. And let’s say the kids are saying, mom, I’m hungry, or you can just hear them getting up and, and we’re going to try to get them focused somewhere else.
Right. How, what are the, some of the thoughts that are going through your head.
Ashley: Yeah, I think it’s, it’s just a lot of, I’m still tired, you know, I’ve never really been a morning person. So a lot of it is I’m still tired. I don’t want to do this yet. I don’t have the energy for it. You know, some days my kids wake up and they wake up a little slower and they just come out and lay on the couch for a few minutes, but some days they wake up and they’re immediately playing and wanting to get out their toys wanting breakfast right away.
And so on those days where they kind of just jump into the day, I’m feeling much more like I need a minute to wake up. And yeah, that’s really, a lot of it is just, is still feeling that, that exhaustion and not able to, to meet that need or that energy level that they have.
Monica: Mm-hmm is this a physical exhaustion?
Is it a mental, emotional slash even spiritual exhaustion is it a combo?
Ashley: It’s, it’s probably a lot of, it’s more I would say mental and emotional. I think we’ve had, I mean, just with toddlers in general the days tend to get repetitive. My kids especially like narrow in, on one specific interest and they wanna play the same games every day. So I know there’s definitely some maybe boredom or just lack of excitement about doing the same day over and over again. So I think, I think some, it’s a lot of, a lot of that, of, of kind of just being exhausted in that same day over and over again.
Monica: What you just described is the very reason I felt so burdened.
Maybe even suffocating by motherhood when my kids were really young, just like yours, that repetitive nature of it can be really, I’m gonna say the word again, suffocating when you don’t have something to give from. What you’re describing to me is someone who is pulling from not just an empty well, but an empty leaking.
Well, I’m sure you’ve heard me describe that before. And no matter how much you try to throw into that leaking well, whether it’s delaying the responsibilities. Which is, is what you find yourself doing with these transitions is just trying to delay it, right? Because you, you want to claim yourself, I think is what it seems like.
Yeah. But no matter how much you’re throwing into that leaking, well, it, it, it’s not gonna work. Whether that’s you delaying the responsibilities or engaging in numbing behavior, or even trying to do some self-care things, it it’s just not going to help. So what we actually wanna work on, and this is why I like to coach women because we originally think like, oh, this is just gonna be about us creating a habit for you in the transition time. And we can still do that. Mm-hmm it always goes deeper. Right. So when I said all that, what is resonating with you?
Ashley: Yeah, I think, I think a lot of it is the, the leaking well, really resonates because I, I feel like I’m.
Like, I, I don’t expect too much of myself during nap time right now. You know, I’ve, I’ve let a lot of things go household wise, meal wise, mm-hmm I feel like I’m trying to have realistic expectations for myself. And I, like I mentioned, I’m, I’m going back to school to try and you know, find some fulfillment outside of my kids as well.
But knowing all of those things, I still don’t feel like I, I thought that all those things would give me the energy to not want to delay and to want to engage with my kids, but it’s not working. And so hearing you describe, like, even though I’m trying to pour into this, it’s leaking that that really resonates with me.
Monica: So energy is tricky. We, we know this just with science, you know, just even what you’re going through mentally and emotionally and spiritually manifests itself in the body. And this physical exhaustion really does seem like you said to be more of a mental exhaustion from that leaking well, so what we wanna do is actually focus on how to create energy that helps you feel full of yourself. That’s what fulfillment is full of yourself. Like your real self that I think is what’s going to heal those cracks in the well because we want you to be able to show up to these responsibilities.
And like we said, at the beginning, your kids have needs and what they need is you. Yeah. So that’s who we want to give them. It’s not gonna be a hundred percent all the time and it still might mean you have a slow morning and your kids learn that. And that’s okay. And maybe what we’re doing instead is trying to give you fulfillment time during that morning, or we can switch that around and give it to you at different time of day.
I do wanna say I’m really proud of you for already lowering some expectations for yourself and be more practical. That’s honestly, a huge hurdle. So the fact that you’re doing that shows me if we can work on this fulfillment piece, I think you’re gonna start having the water rise up and that well yeah.
So what do you feel like is missing for you right now? When you think about fulfillment for yourself, what, how would you describe that? What would be missing? Yeah,
Ashley: I, I’m trying to figure that out. I’ve I’ve always struggled. Having hobbies. I’ve never been a hobby person. As a, as a kid, I played with dolls and I pretended to be a teacher and to, to be around children.
So I really expected that motherhood would completely fulfill me because that was unlike a lot of women, that really was my dream was to be around children all the time. Yeah. And so I, I have never really found a hobby that fills me up. I find that being helpful to people fills me up, which is, is why I wanna go into social work.
But you know, I’m, I’m waiting for that program to start. I don’t don’t really have that yet. But yeah, I don’t that, I guess that’s my struggle is I don’t really know what’s missing. I generally am pretty proactive with trying to change things. Yeah. And so I guess that’s where I’m, I’m struggling is I, I don’t see any specific thing that feels like it’s missing.
You know, we try and get out of the house as much as we can. It’s it’s tricky in New York city with, with two little kids, I’m sure. Yeah. And that’s, that’s been an adjustment, but we try and get out when we can and. We’ve made some good friends here already. And so, yeah, and I’m really not actually sure what it is that’s missing.
Monica: So when this happens, this is where I would bring in the, do something list. Have you heard about that? Yeah. I’ve heard you talk about it. What about that has been intriguing to you? And what about that has been a turn off?
Ashley: I, I believe you’re familiar with Gretchen Rubin’s work, right?
Monica: Yes. I don’t listen to her podcast, but yes.
I read a book, the happiness project.
Ashley: Okay. I, so I don’t know if you’re familiar with her, like obliger, rebel. Okay. So I’m a rebel on her framework. So I just, I struggle with I mean, habits in general but yes. And expectations, I. Boxing myself into a list. Maybe doesn’t always appeal to me.
But I like that it, it’s more fun things or things that you can look forward to. I do do better with things that are fun and like something to look forward to something that I, I really wanna do. So I, I like that part of a do something list. Okay.
Monica: That’s awesome to hear about, you know, the, both sides of this.
So the, the DSL, the do something list, it’s do something for a reason. It’s not supposed to be a pressure filled thing. I’ve never completed a list. I alter it at least once a year, sometimes more. I’m allowed to change things on it, to take things off, to add to it. But what I want you to do, whether or not that’s what the DSL.
It seems like you need an exploration time and you kind of have this built in deadline a little bit with school. Now school can be a whole other form of fulfillment that you might find is enough for you. And then you just need some good self care habits outside of school so that you can have that well, be ready to be drawn from.
But in the meantime, maybe this can be kind of your time. to just explore yourself what it means to be Ashley, what you like, what you don’t like, what things would you actually look forward to? What excites you? What makes you feel like yourself again and how to make that a more regular part of your life?
How does that sound to you? And then I’ll ask a few more questions about that.
Ashley: It sounds good. I I’m curious where you suggest starting with that. So I, you know, I often look at other people’s hobbies and that can be helpful, but it I, you know, I’ve, I’ve tried cooking and baking and mm-hmm, things like that.
And it doesn’t ever really spark anything for me. So I’m wondering if you have suggestions of where to start looking for things that Fulfill you looking at things that. excite me or things that I do look forward to is a, I think a good place to start. But if you have other suggestions,
Monica: so there’s two big frameworks to the DSL.
It, half of it is about, well, I guess one framework that you can go with, this is uncovering. This is where you go back and you uncover the parts of yourself that you used to love the parts of yourself that you would still like to connect with. Whether it’s general things like creativity or adventure or outdoors.
or it’s really specific things like I really wanna pick up tap dancing again, or I loved baking these types of things. You know, it can be more general specific. The second framework is discover that’s where you are looking to. Who am I now? And who do I want to be? And a lot of it that comes up from just asking one simple question and is it’s, what do I see others doing?
And I think I wish I could do that. Or I want to do that. Now that’s still in your mind. I see. Like you keep thinking that just means hobbies. It doesn’t. Okay. You said something earlier about you like to have something to look forward to. What if this was just about experiences? Okay. Youre.
Ashley: So if they can be right, it can be one off experiences. It doesn’t have to be something I do. Regularly.
Monica: Nope. And in fact, that’s the whole point of the DSL is we’re just trying to discover just the seeds that you want to nourish in yourself and they could bloom into full hobbies and, and ways that you regularly invest in your fulfillment.
But most of them won’t, and that’s kinda part of the fun. They don’t have to become permanent fixtures in your life.
Ashley: Yeah. I think that I. Again, with being a rebel and not liking routine so much. I think I struggled with the idea of having a hobby. That is something that always fills me up. And then I always find joy from, I don’t really relate to that.
But the idea of, you know, one day painting sounds like fun. And then the next day baking does sound fun. I think I expected, most people seem to have like a hobby that they love and they love doing it regularly and throughout their life. But maybe for me, it’s more so I like trying something and then moving on to something else and maybe coming back to that occasionally, but it doesn’t have to be the same thing every time.
Monica: Yep. You’re totally onto that. I, I would say what I want you to do is think about those two frameworks uncover and discover. And of those first, before you even decide what you were gonna do within your DSL list, just look for elements. What, what kind of, what are elements existed? As I was growing up that I wanna incorporate now adventures trying new things service you’re just kind of trying to.
Those elements that you can bring into the now and same thing with the discover part. And then that’s when you narrow down and it might be something as simple as go to this certain museum or try five new ice cream flavors go to a movie by myself, have an afternoon off for my responsibilities.
There’s things for you to look forward to and also ways for you to explore.
Ashley: Yeah, I like that. I, I think that’s something I could do.
Monica: Do you have any ideas right off the bat where you’re like, Ooh, this,
Ashley: I think there are specific things being in New York for only a year that we know of, for sure. There are lots of things that I want to do while we’re here. So a lot of those things and places come to mind and also there are a lot of creative hobbies that. Like watercoloring or knitting that I enjoy occasionally, but don’t stick to. And so I thought those couldn’t really be my hobbies. So I’ve, I’ve knitted, occasionally I’ve painted occasionally and I’m not good at it cuz I don’t stick to it.
But I think having those as things that I can do when I feel like it and not putting that pressure on it has to be. One hobby that I love and I do all the time. Makes it feel more manageable.
Monica: Good. So we’re, we’re starting to get some, somewhere. I can see, like the juices are flowing, the excitement’s coming in to play. So what I would like you to do is from here, start with just the two frameworks, uncover, discover.
And just write down what made me me or what parts do I wanna bring back? Do I wanna bring in some creativity? Do I wanna be outside? Do I want adventures? Do I wanna be with friends? Do I want, and on both sides of those framework and then narrow it down and your list can just even be five things, especially as a pregnant busy mom who has a quick deadline of starting school.
And we’re just giving yourself that time. And we also want it to still be relevant to your season of maybe it not being something that you can have to spend a lot of money on, right. Or maybe things you can do alongside your kids or trade a friend for babysitting or something like that. So being realistic.
So let’s start there. I’m happy to help you through that. You can email me and I can help you through that and look through your list. Let’s now go back to this transition. Okay. It’s a transition from freedom to what feels like a loss of freedom. So these are one of the things like we have to, this sounds so simple.
And maybe even like, I’m trying to just pat you on the head, but this is the truth. We have to make a choice. It just comes back to, what do you want to choose? This is where you need to just get a little real with yourself and, and, and give yourself more options. Like maybe your options are, you don’t have to go right to responsibility mode right away. Maybe you have a routine with even your three and two year old where they know how to get themselves a snack out of one part of the cupboard while you’re taking time for yourself, or even just resting or waking up early with a baby.
And maybe that would be good for them. They know how to listen to an audio book or even turn on their show. Like you get to decide that can be on the table or it can be on the table that you. Right into responsibility mode. When they’re ready to wake up, what I wanna give you back is your agency to decide how you’re gonna show up to these kids.
But what I also want you to do is to consider how you want to make the choice to show up for these kids.
Ashley: Yeah. I think I, I like that you’re putting the emphasis on it being my choice. I think. I’ve been letting the ideal of waking up before my kids and, you know, having time to get in the right mindset and really have that that good morning where they have a good breakfast and I’ve been letting that ideal.
And knowing that we can’t meet that right now I think some guilt seep into it. And also I, I think it’s felt like I, I didn’t have the ability to choose. I felt kind of stuck with my circumstances of, I’m not able to get up before my kids right now and they, they do want certain things, but I can, I can set the expectation that it’s going to be different moving forward.
And so they may want breakfast right off the bat. And I can change that and say, okay, we don’t have breakfast right off the bat. If you are hungry, you know, you can, these are two things that you can choose from. And we do, even if you wake up at seven, we do breakfast at 8:00 AM or whatever that may I think just knowing that I have the freedom to shape it.
And I don’t, I mean, to some extent you are still You have to be responsive to your kids’ needs, but that I have, I have more agency and ability to shape it than I think I was giving myself credit for,
Monica: for sure. And, and we do this again when we are empty the most that’s when resentment sinks in.
That’s when overwhelm that’s when that suffocating feeling comes in too. So as we work in the fulfillment piece, I think that’s gonna help you feel like you have. Like an inward energy to step into the choice you wanna make. But like we said, you still get to choose. Even within that showing up what that’s gonna look like, what, what you just said brought to mind like you, that we can’t wait for the ideals to be realized for us to step into the person we want to be.
and this is going back to something we did an episode on recently about accepting your limits right now you have limits, right? Yeah. And because they are placed on you, that’s why we can only see the limits. Right. So instead, we’re going to accept these limits and within them find ways to still choose whether you’re choosing this is how it’s going to be.
And I’m gonna wake up and do these kinds of things with them, even when I don’t feel like it. Cuz I choose whatever you wanna choose there. You get to say that for yourself or you can still choose those kids, but do it in a different way. right. How do you, how do you wanna feel?
Ashley: Yeah, I think I want to feel more present and more excited to go into my days.
And I think number one, knowing that I’ve never been a morning person, I’m not gonna wake up and be bubbly. Right. First thing in the morning. And just giving myself permission that that’s okay. And knowing that I can not be bubbly, but still can meet my kids’ needs and can establish a routine for them that they can get used to and expect.
I think that would give them some stability. And, and then focusing on things that we can do that aren’t just fun for the kids. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of parks because they enjoy parks. I do not enjoy enjoy parks. They make me anxious. Yeah. And so we’ll still do some of that because they’re kids, but incorporating more things that I look forward to as well.
So that each day doesn’t feel the same. And I have some things to be excited about and look forward to. I think, I think both of those things will help me, help me be able to be more present and accept the reality for what it is. And then also get to the place where I’m excited. Maybe not first thing in the morning, but you know, maybe quicker than I have.
Monica: and you can still be you. And the only thing about delaying the responsibilities to me is you still have to make that transition. Right. Even if you, I, I don’t even wanna say put it off. I, I, I think that’s kind of sounds like a harsh word, but regardless, if, even if you’re putting it off or you’re delaying it, you still have to make that transition no matter what.
So whether that’s earlier or later, whether you’re able to make that routine with your kids or not. We still have that transition. And when that transition happens, I think a good mantra for you to hold onto is I choose, like I am choosing and you get to choose even your mindset. If that’s all you can choose that day, I choose to be present for my kids.
Ashley: Yeah. I like that. So that. I like that mantra of, of I’m choosing this cuz with children, a lot of times it doesn’t feel like you get to choose. Yeah. But I technically I could turn on the TV and just let the TV go all day long. I’m choosing that. That’s not how I want our mornings to go. I’m not how that’s not how I want my kids to be raised. And so. I, I think remembering that it, it is a choice is a good it speaks to me.
Monica: Well, I love that. I wanna give you just a little built in compassion as you’re going into transitioning to choosing, because you’re gonna face resistance right away. We’re gonna say this doesn’t work or I’m trying the new routine with them and it’s not going anywhere.
Or I think this, this TV still is ultimately easier. Remember that that’s gonna happen. And if we just keep coming back to, I am choosing this, whatever that is, even if that means you still have them watching a show, but for a certain amount of time that you know, that will give you enough time to step into your roles and responsibilities with more choice, then that works too.
There’s gonna be a window. Just be ready to arm yourself with compassion as you’re moving through it.
Ashley: Yeah. I think also focusing on the habits. What habits I’m setting up for my kids feels much more manageable to me than trying to, I was trying to set up habits for myself and it didn’t feel possible because yeah, I constantly was focused having to focus on them, but shifting it to knowing I’m setting up habits for my kids and setting up their routines that feels much more manageable.
And. I’m used to setting up new habits with my kids. And I, I know how that goes. So I, I feel much more confident in doing that. You know, I was trying to journal in the mornings or do things like that for myself, and then it would get interrupted or things like that. And I was, I was feeling frustrated that I couldn’t maintain any of those things.
But setting up habits for my kids feels like something I can do. And something also that will help them thrive. And so that, that feels a lot more I feel a lot more optimistic about that.
Monica: And what’s great about that is you’re taking care of the biggest hurdle that’s getting in the way of you creating a supportive habit for yourself in the morning.
So when that happens and I think it is a when might take some time, but when that happens and you do have even five minutes to give yourself a supportive habit, that can be next. And I think you’ll know how to do that too. Once you have that obstacle taken care,
Ashley: Yeah, I agree.
Monica: Well, Ashley, this has been great. And so relatable. Thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability and your courage in being here.
Ashley: Thank you.
Monica: So what we wanna do is actually focus on how to create energy that
Ashley: helps you feel.
Like yourself helps you feel. I’m gonna, I’m gonna try to say that again without my Utah accent
