Has your spiritual life shifted the last few years? You’re not alone. And while that can be beautiful (and of course challenging), it also poses some logistical challenges. Including: what can a personal spiritual practice look like for me now.
Years ago, I did something terrifying: I shared with the internet about my then decade-plus series of faith crises. One of the things I didn’t get to share there, but I did in a later episode, is how these years challenged my actual habits of nourishing and maintaining my spirituality.
That’s why today I am looking forward to sharing a coaching call I did with a Progressor named Heather—a woman who is experiencing a change in her season, and a shift in her spiritual life that she wants to support with a new habit. I know it’ll help you do the same—whether that’s now, later, or simply to help someone else going through it.
About a few other things…
Do you struggle to create habits that stick? It’s not your fault. The truth is simple: you’ve been trying to form habits using methods designed for perfect robots–not real women living real lives. It’s time to change that. If I could help you gain confidence in creating habits AND guide you to uncover the ONE supportive habit to deeply care for yourself, could you commit 21 days to learning this method? The Sticky Habit Method is a 21-day course that revolutionizes the habit-formation process. It’s real habits for real women.
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica: Heather, thanks for doing this coaching call with me.
Heather: I am so happy to be here.
Monica: I feel like I should say disclaimer, we know each other in real life thanks to monkey school we did last year with our, with our little kids, which was so fun.
Heather: I know they were so cute
Monica: they were really cute. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would , and maybe that’s just mothering like getting older, but I, I
Heather: No, I, I’ve never had a lot of patience for at home preschool and it was a good one,
Monica: Yeah, we had a good group. Well, how about you give us an introduction for the whole community, not just me.
Heather: Okay. My name’s Heather. I have four kids. My youngest is turning four tomorrow actually, I am just barely having a little bit of extra space that I haven’t had in the past and trying to use it well, so,
Monica: I’m about to start over. So I am, I
you are
I know what that Yeah. That, that moment feels like and it will now be go away. So tell me why you’re here today.
I have been trying to figure out
Heather: what I want to do for a spirituality practice, and I haven’t been able to make anything stick. I feel like what I used to do, isn’t working for me anymore, and I’m not sure what I want it to look like, and therefore I’m not feeling very motivated to
Hmm. Yeah.
So I, anyway, I’m just trying to figure that out.
Monica: This is a really awesome one to, to be covering.
So that’s kind of one of the bigger problems is because you don’t have the vision, you’re not starting, but you’re almost avoiding the vision, like creating. Why do you think you’re avoiding even just finalizing an idea? of what this
Heather: I, I have been trying to figure that out. I think I just realized that I’ve been. Actually avoiding it last week, and I, I haven’t had time to sit with it yet. I, I think because I want to branch out from what I used to do,
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Heather: and that feels a little overwhelming. I don’t know where to start exactly. I’m, I’m interested in branching out into some meditation.
I’m interested in learning about Christian contemplative practices, I feel like I have a lot of interests. And it’s a little overwhelming. And where I used to just sit down and like read whatever verses came next at where I was in the scriptures, like I feel like when I tried to do that recently, it hasn’t been working and I, and I’m avoiding it, so I haven’t been doing it a lot
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Heather: So.
Monica: So part of the overwhelm is trying to figure out what to do of the many options.
Heather: I think so.
Monica: Another reason to the avoiding is maybe more the overwhelm of deciding and actually starting in the practice, especially if it’s something new that’s pretty overwhelming.
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: Is there any avoidance of it? Because you’re like worried it won’t fill you up, just like your current practice wasn’t filling you up anymore.
Heather: I think that’s probably part of it. And when I had tried to make a decision a couple months ago, I had decided like, I’m gonna sit down and, and try to write out where I’m at in my spirituality. And
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Heather: I’m wondering if I’m nervous about making it concrete, if that makes sense. I like, I don’t wanna write it down because I don’t want it to be final.
Monica: Hmm.
Heather: Because I’m not feeling very settled, I guess.
Monica: Okay, so, so you don’t want it to be final because is it almost like pinning you in a place like you’re not ready to say, this is where I’m wanting to land?
Heather: Yeah, I think so. And I think a couple months ago I was more feeling like I did want to land somewhere. You know, and I eventually do, but I think I’m coming to terms with this is a lifelong journey, and that’s okay.
Monica: Okay. And you know, this is the reason why I’m digging so much here is because we’ve learned over and over again, both through, you know, myself and all the many clients and just women in general, like habits are never surface level. There’s always deeper reasons. There’s even reasons why we put off or avoid something or it doesn’t work.
And so it’s just good for us to understand these roots a little bit, and you’ve already made some sense of it and already understood for yourself, this is going to be a lifelong journey. So maybe this doesn’t have to be the, solidifying like one perfect spiritual practice that will carry me through that life, It’s just supposed to carry me through right now.
Heather: Yeah.
How
Monica: does that sound to you?
Heather: Yeah. It, it,
Monica: put words in your mouth. So
Heather: no, it’s, it’s good. I, it feels good. It feels, it takes the pressure off a little bit that like. I don’t have to like, decide forever. This is what I’m gonna do and I don’t even have to, whatever I decide to write or journal or whatever it doesn’t have to be forever. It can just be how I’m feeling that day and, and that does feel less overwhelming.
Monica: That’s a good thing for us to cue into. Okay. I’m gonna hold, I’m gonna take what you just said. Put it in my back pocket. I’m gonna bring it out again in a few minutes. So now that we have that obstacle of, you know, some of the fears attached to it, kind of at least acknowledged and you know, so that way like when they creep up again, you can say no, remember, you don’t, it doesn’t have to hold you in place forever.
And it doesn’t have to be the one practice and it doesn’t have to work right away. We know it’s a lifelong thing. That obstacle put aside, let’s start with another weird question to actually figure out which one you’re gonna work on. Okay.
Heather: Okay.
Monica: And it’s how do you want your spiritual practice to make you feel for this time and this season?
Heather: I’m, I’m really seeking, you know, I think in the past I really clung to being certain about things and, and I’ve, over the course of years, I, I think I’ve pretty much let go of that. But I am still longing for the, the communion that I felt when I was in that certainty. And, and I’m looking for a way, I think to be more open like yes to communication with God, but also yes to communion with, with the people around me,
Monica: Hmm.
Heather: With just life. So what, I don’t know if I answered your
Monica: would grounded be the word?
Heather: Yeah.
Not like you’re
Monica: looking for certainty anymore, but you are looking for some ground, like feeling more grounded.
Heather: Maybe grounded, but I, I honestly, I think I’m trying to be less grounded. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I feel like I’m not as open as I used to be, and I’m looking for a way to sort of open back up again.
Monica: Okay, that’s actually another word I did write down open. And with that, like, so you wanna feel open and you wanna feel open to connecting with a greater power and open to connecting with others.
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, so open and connected.
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: That feels good. So of the things that you’ve been considering, you said meditation, you had lots of other interests, but I also heard you say journaling studying, like what are some of the options here that could help you feel open and connected?
Heather: I think that’s my big question right now. I’m not sure. I think I just need to start somewhere, pick something and see if it works. But I do still feel sort of an obligation, I think. To like, quote unquote read my scriptures and, and I think that is what feels overwhelming. But I’m not sure where else to start.
I guess I have done a little bit of meditation on and off. And sometimes I have a really positive experience with it, but most of the time I’m not able to maintain it for very. So
Monica: And is it because of a, it’s a learning, like it’s a skill you’re learning. Does it come down to time? Does it come down to like not having the right method or tool to help you do it? Like a good app?
Heather: I’m not sure. I did invest in an app called 10% Happier, and they have a wide variety of like different amounts of time. And for the most part I really liked it. But I, I think. I think I’m realizing in the past I felt like meditation wasn’t enough. Like that wasn’t checking the box of spirituality, and so then I was feeling like, well, I have to meditate and read some scriptures or pray or do something that feels more spiritual
Monica: One thing you brought up earlier was a study of some kind. If you want to like study different scriptural texts that are like outside of maybe your typical canon that you studied in the past. If you want to study different Christian writers or non-Christian writers, could that be a possibility?
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: of study but maybe not tied to the specific cannon.
Heather: Yeah, definitely. That’s a possibility. I like, everything feels really interesting to me right now.
Monica: Okay
Heather: yeah.
Monica: so here’s where we’re gonna do something a little different than I typically do. Like typically I want us to have, and we still might do this, typically I want like a really clear idea of what habit we’re working on. For you, I see this more as having a dedicated time and space to explore a spiritual practice, which means you can intuitively decide today would be a great meditation day, or today I need to journal.
I just need to connect, you know, by journaling I, or I’m really wanting to study deeply. And the reason why I say don’t typically start with this is because sometimes that level, that type of certainty helps us make the habit more consistent cuz we’re not always having to make a decision, which takes energy, but I feel like the exploration, the time to explore is almost what you need more than the actual thing.
Because that’s what will help you figure out what the thing is
Heather: Yeah, that probably is true.
Monica: or the find the thing you find yourself coming back to most often. How’s that feeling to.
Heather: Yeah. You know, I really like that I’m nervous though, that I, if I don’t know what I’m at least gonna start with,
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Heather: At the beginning of the exploration that I’ll just put it off
Monica: I get
Heather: I, I’m not knowing what to do.
Monica: So this is what my solution to this, to, to that, to that worry is we are gonna try to figure out a, a, you know, a set way to have this set aside time. For a spiritual practice of some kind, but we are still going to start with a baseline version of this. So the days where you can’t make a decision or just to start with, to get in the practice of having a practice?
I do. Yes. I do want you to have something that we know you do at minimum of these things you said. So ideally we might be looking at like meditation and study time or and journaling. Like if you had like a half an hour block to do all those three things and you can, or one of those things, but in more depth, right?
Or longer amounts of time.
Heather: right.
Monica: Okay. What could be the simplest and the smallest version of a spiritual practice for you that will help you feel open and connected.
What could be the simplest and the smallest version of a spiritual practice for you that will help you feel open and connected
Heather: So I’m trying to decide. I, I think starting with. Just like a couple of deep breaths at the beginning instead of trying to jump into like a five or 10 minute meditation even
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Heather: would be helpful. But then I was trying to decide if I should just stick with only that as a baseline or, or add an additional, like write either either one line in a journal, couple lines, or And see the study is what I’m struggling with cuz I, I don’t have a lot of resources like handy.
I think I’d probably have to like, figure out something to buy. Besides, you know, like scriptures that I grew up with,
Monica: Mm-hmm.
Heather: could do, I could just like pick a couple of verses to read or whatever. So I’m just, I’m trying to decide if I should add something on or just stick with, like, take a few breaths and say a prayer or something.
Like a one minute prayer.
Monica: Okay, so I think for sure, starting with like three deep breaths is, is our great baseline,
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Monica: but we can also say a bonus, one of, of one of those three things. So you said prayer, writing one line in a journal, maybe studying for one minute. And those are small enough that I think it will work alongside the deep breath.
Heather: Okay.
Monica: Three deep breaths. Let’s choose one though, just for the starting place just to get us in the momentum and the consistency of having this habit. What will help you feel open and connected? breaths and a prayer or journal or reading.
Heather: I feel like journaling is what I wanna start with.
Monica: Okay. And you know what I love about that is as awesome as it is to study, right? Like as, as good as that is, it seems to be pretty should driven for you.
Heather: I think it is right now. Yeah.
Monica: And I think this is can be one of these seasons of your life where you say, there’s another way for me to feel connected and open, and this is it right now. The other way makes me feel more closed off or empty.
Heather: Yeah. I like that. That feels.
Monica: So that’s what we’re gonna start with. Three deep breaths and journaling. I do wanna come back to the obstacle I see going on with the study. So just an another thing we’re keeping in our back pocket. Okay. Let’s now talk about where you can attach this to. So what’s a typical, I mean, this is also going back to the ideal, like ideally, when would you like to do this?
Like morning, afternoon, night is a general time of day.
Heather: I was hoping to do it like right after lunch. I do three days a week. My daughter has preschool right after lunch, and so I don’t really, I was, I’m having a hard time identifying any day that’s like the same every day. I think everyone relates to that, but I do have either my daughter in preschool or she typically wants to watch a couple of shows right after lunch.
So there is that space that it looks a little bit different every day, but that is kind of what I had to identify it as. Something that would work.
Monica: so it’s more like when my daughter is settled,
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: it’s at preschool or at at home, and this is where. You’ll have to know what that looks like. So like when I press play to the show, then I’ll, and we’ll know what you’re gonna do from there. Or when I return home from dropping her off, then I’ll, we just wanna have a clear, like, what are, what are you gonna do?
Heather: It’s one of those two things every day,
Monica: Okay, good. So your W in general is when your daughter gets settled, but more specifically, you know, it’s either like a press play or you park the car.
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: Okay. Then I’ll, and that’s the, the 3 deep, I’ll take 3 deep breaths and write one line in my journal. That’s your worst of day version. That’s your baseline, which means your best of.
and even just your normal of days when you’re having more energy momentum, that can turn into a minute or five minutes of meditation that can turn into a, a page of journaling that can turn into adding a prayer because you feel like it or I wanna talk about that, that hurdle, but, or studying for a little bit.
That’s still the bigger vision. Time to feel open and connect. Okay. Here’s what I, okay, so we’ve got our w t A, our, our A here we, we, we focus more on the w t here in the on the podcast, cuz the A takes a lot longer to explain. But basically what I want you to do is when you do this, a stands for Affirm. And it’s, it’s affirming it in you like saying, look, I did it. It’s saying that’s like me. , I prioritize a spiritual practice. Or it’s like basking in those feelings. Just letting yourself, like actually feel them. I feel open, I feel connected. And the a doesn’t have to last forever. It’s just how you solidify this habit. It’s like brain, hi hijacking. You know?
Heather: Okay.
Monica: just like, okay.
All right. Let me talk about study for a little bit with you. I wanna do something called lowering the hurdle. Like the hurdle to studying for you is like, what are the materials?
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: So right now I’m gonna give you a, I don’t like to do prescriptions, but here’s a suggestion.
Heather: Okay.
Monica: Perhaps it could be a fun thing to have a study basket.
Heather: Okay.
Monica: And this is one, like over the next couple weeks and months, you can collect some materials that can go in there,
Heather: Mm-hmm.
Monica: different books that you would like to read in that explor. Kind of focus for you?
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: just letting it be about, I’m here, I’m here to explore. I’m open to learning. I’m ready to connect with other people who are different from me, who have learned different things from me spiritually, and I want to learn from them so we can have that basket be, just be things.
You gradually add materials too, and it can be in the place where you are going to do your spiritual practice.
Heather: Okay. Yeah, I actually really like that. Cause I don’t have to narrow it down, but I don’t. I also, it is somewhat narrowed down to what is in the basket. You know what I mean? Like I’m not getting on the computer and looking for something in the
Monica: and that becomes another
Heather: you know?
Monica: Because then I find myself like looking up a blog that I used to read in 2007, cuz I’m avoiding like reading a text. That’s gonna be hard. I’m like, oh, what happened to that person I used to follow 15 years ago? You know, stuff like that. Okay, so study
Heather: I like that. I like that.
Monica: Now before we sign off, I wanna do one more.
we, we, we talked about having a really clear w t A, but as part of that, we need to know where you’re doing this. Like, I wanna get specific about like, would, would you like to have next to your study, like your study basket, should it be like a special chair in a living room? In the living room, like always there.
And that’s where you go for your spiritual practice time. And that’s where your journal is, that’s where other study materials are, and that’s where you know you’re going. Or is it in your bedroom? Where will that be?
Heather: So I actually do have a desk and it’s in the basement, which sounds dark, but actually we’re living with my in-laws right now and they have these huge, gorgeous windows out of their basement. And it’s a place where they’re usually not in, where I can have some privacy. So, It’s a good spot.
Monica: Okay, and I want you to kind of time this, what is three deep breaths and one line in a journal? How long does that take? So that way on the days you don’t feel like it, you can say, this will literally take me 90 seconds,
Heather: Okay, that’s a good idea.
Monica: or whatever time it is, 42 seconds. You know, I want you to just have that in mind so you’re like it.
That’s all I have to do. And then, then especially in those days where you really don’t want to, I want you to really honor the baseline, step away Like say, Nope, that’s it. That’s the baseline, that 90 seconds, it’s all I need today. Because that way, another way to hijack your brain, your brain knows it can believe you when you say you only have to do this amount.
Heather: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, so we’ve got a clear vision now of what you wanna feel, and I think that’s more important than what you’re
Heather: Yeah. That actually was really helpful. Yeah.
Monica: Okay. Our goal is to help you feel open and connected and have that set aside time, even if it’s 90 seconds or less, depending on what that is. And with time that can build.
and we know more ideally what that can look like. It’s a bigger pocket of time and more intensity in some of those avenues that you feel more drawn to. Okay. What do you, what do you wanna take away from this call?
Heather: I think one big thing that I’m taking away is even though I’m, I had been trying not to, I, I still think I was shoulding my way through
Monica: Yes.
Heather: trying to create a habit and that’s hard to let go of, but I, I feel really good about. Having identified what I’m looking for and, and I think that will be motivating to sit down and actually do it because it’s something that I want, not just that I’m feeling obligated to do.
Monica: Beautiful. Yeah, those shoulds are really sneaky. So you’re not alone and having. kind of be like, oh no, we’re gonna make you feel like you’re supposed to do this. So this is beautiful. Heather, I’m so grateful that you would spend this time with me and I would love for you to, as a friend, like I can be your accountability buddy for a while here while you’re getting this habit to stick.
You can reach out to me and like just say, yes, , no, or, I need help tweaking, and I’m happy to help you.
Heather: Okay, thanks Monica.
