Have you ever felt like, “I’m in a rut . . .” only to realize that rut is more because you’re actually feeling overstimulated and dysregulated? In today’s episode you’ll hear a coaching call with Tash, where she describes the challenges of managing household responsibilities, keeping the kids engaged, and finding time for herself.
During our conversation, it became very clear that Tash need some time to intentionally recharge each day. Together we came up with activities like reading a book or playing the cello, with an emphasis on knowing that it’s okay to prioritize her own well-being. Ultimately, Tash felt empowered to find a pace that helps her not just get through the day, but truly live it. After listening, see how this applies to your situation, and realize the importance of self-care when you start feeling stuck.
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica: Tash, welcome to a coaching call.
Tash: Thank you. I’m excited.
Monica: Let’s start with a little introduction. Tell us about you.
Tash: Okay. My name is Tasha. I go by Tash. I live in southeastern Idaho with my husband and our three daughters. We just bought a house this winter, which was
Monica: Happy.
Tash: Very crazy, but also very happy.
Monica: Yeah,
Tash: didn’t know what the backyard looked like at all. Cause it was covered in six feet of snow. So it was just very exciting.
It’s been good. I love to be outdoors. I love to dance. I feel like I’m just right in the craziness of motherhood. My kids are seven, almost three. So we’re right there in that sleepless.
Monica: Yeah.
Tash: Exciting times, \
Monica: Living life and a good life, but yes, it’s a complicated life too.
Tash: yes,
Monica: Tell us why you’re here today. Why did you want to sign up for a coaching call?
Tash: I’m in a rut, I think a lot of people feel this way, so I know I’m not alone, but just that lacking motivation or trying to find a routine that works for our family, just to push through trouble times of the day, and just to, feel like I’m on top of something at some point throughout my day, and Yeah.
Monica: So you’re feeling in a rut emotionally, right? Or is it more just okay, circumstantially?
Tash: Yeah. And those moments where you’re just so overstimulated as a mom, overwhelmed, right? Like I need to unload the dishwasher so I can get the sink cleared out, but there’s laundry piling up and there’s toys that I’m stepping on the floor and the kids are screaming or pounding on the piano or blowing whistles.
And I just want to sit down on the couch and not do anything or explode, right? And just finding the way that you can push through that. Or, I don’t know, I guess find the joy in that to do it, to just be like, I can do one, one thing more. I can do one thing. What the one thing, what the next step is to get through that.
Monica: Okay. So this is where, a rut Is tough. And I talked to a lot of women who are struggling with that, and we can go a couple of different directions. One is we can we can go deeper in figuring out like what about our own belief systems or identity are at play here and how can we work on.
Restoring that sense of self to lead the ship. Another direction we can go is working more on the practical side, which actually helps it’s chicken and the egg, the internal side too. And as you’re describing someone who can just get overstimulated. And by the way, when I say someone who can, all of us, all of us that’s a real problem, especially with really young children.
I am definitely going to raise my hand. It’s really easy to get overstimulated. How can I get in a place like within my practical day to day life that helps me feel that semblance of I can arrive better to my life. So of those two directions, where would you like to head with this?
Tash: I think that latter, that you were just saying
Monica: That’s a good way to begin. And honestly, because the deeper stuff does need to come along for the ride, but it can be supported with this.
So the deep work can come.
So let’s start with a real scenario where this is coming up for you when you’re feeling like in a rut, maybe overstimulated and you want, it happens routinely enough that you can identify, like it’s maybe you’re on this time of day and these kinds of things happen that we can then insert some of the practical side to helping you through this better.
Tash: Okay. I would say, I call it the 5 o’clock blues,
Monica: Oh,
Tash: but I feel like it comes at 4 o’clock, it’s the day’s not quite over, I’ve got to figure out dinner, but everything’s been lived in and Undone, if that makes sense, the toys are out. Nobody’s cleaned things up. The lunch mess is maybe still out, but I’ve got to figure out dinner.
I’m tired. I’m hungry. The kids are tired and hungry. And it’s just we’ve got to push through this next hour, or hour or two and survive. Or the kids have used up all their ideas and suddenly I’m like, they think I need to entertain them, but
I’m frazzled to get the other things done that have to happen.
Monica: So for those who are listening, this is like that time where you’re feeling like the looming responsibilities., the kind of responsibilities you can’t just brush off. It’s really up to you, but you’re at the
Tash: can’t wait, or that can’t, somebody else can’t do them.
Monica: Okay. Urgent responsibilities that only you can do. And I’m assuming you’re a stay at home mom.
Tash: Yes.
Monica: So again, like only you can do this right now. You’re the one in charge and it’s when your energy is the lowest as well as everyone around you. So with that set up in mind,
what happens, what tends to happen for you? Just describe how that fills in your body and also how it manifests on the outside too.
Tash: I get grumpy, right? I love my children, but I suddenly don’t want them near me. I don’t want their little, look, mom, look at this, that I do love, but it’s I find myself being like, get away from me, go to a different room. I can’t handle that right now. That’s not the person I want to be.
That’s not the mom I want my kids to know. But it comes to that point where I’m just like, I can’t deal with you talking to me and your sister wanting to show me something and. dinner burning on the stove or, or going through the fridge to find the ingredients for what we’re needing for dinner.
And so I feel like I just get so tense and grumpy and then my children pick up on that and they either become very clingy and needy or they also get grumpy and then the little fights break out, and so I feel like I can see that the way I’m responding is just like escalating the situation and so that doesn’t help, if I could just, breathe and take a step back that I know that would us to get through it, but, I tend to just get grumpier.
Monica: And what you’re describing to me, and I’m going to say this in a way that I hope gives you a lot of hope. It’s not that you’re just being grumpy because you’re like tapping out as a mom or there’s something about you. That’s just faulty. This is just pure and simple overstimulation is dysregulation.
It’s about your body there’s science behind this. Isn’t about you being a bad mom or not having enough energy or enough patience or perseverance is simply your body being overstimulated and dysregulated.
And that will happen. After a day of you using that same body, the same nervous system to stay regulated and calm and stable enough to show up to everything else that happened during that day. If that makes sense, there’s just, there’s only so much you can do. But here’s the good news is that can increase over time, your ability to stay regulated longer on different points, or it just needs like a little, it’s almost like you need a little recharge.
Tash: We’ll jumpstart.
Monica: yeah, to that regulation to get back to that place. So weirdly enough, I’m assuming you came here wanting to work on a routine in the afternoon or early evening to help that time. I want you to consider what if it was a little bit before then, and sometimes it might even be a lot before then another time of your day where you can hit that recharge we talked about and give that.
Little piece of regulation to yourself and the calming, like a routine that gives you a calming to your nervous system and helps you feel more regulated.
Tash: Fill up before you’re running on empty.
Monica: Because the thing is we can do tasks. It’s we can give you the afternoon routine and we can come up with that. And that routine actually could be a pretty regulated routine. And maybe it involves you letting go of some things that you think you need to get done. That’s that could be a big piece of this is just realizing and recognizing my reserves are out.
So my afternoon routine is not about productivity anymore. It’s about regulation
Tash: Okay.
Monica: or it’s about reconnecting. It’s about reconnecting with myself. It’s about reconnecting with my children. And by the way, that’s another form of recharge, right? And that’s it. And even if it’s in this small way, then I can then go on to my responsibilities and they can go on to their form of responsibilities, which is playing ironically for children or something like that.
Or it can happen earlier in the day. So what’s sounding this is what I want and need right now
Tash: I think like you’re saying that earlier recharge, right? That fill up before I’m just running on the fumes. The recharge before the meltdowns are happening?
Monica: Yes. And I want to say I experienced this too. Again, like this is not just you, especially if I’m coming from a place of just overstimulation or just the reserves are gone. We all have meltdowns, children and moms
Tash: Yes.
Monica: I call it a mommy tantrum and that’s where we get to practice repair.
A lot. But yes, preemptively we can work on this. So let’s work to first identify a time of day where this can happen. A little bit more regularly. It doesn’t mean it has to be the exact same time every single day, but in general, is there a pocket of your day where you’re able to detach from the responsibilities, including your children and safe ways we can talk about that and work towards this regulation piece of Recharging.
Tash: I feel like after lunch we do pretty well, probably because we’re all fed and food does wonders for us.
Monica: Yes.
Tash: I feel like that’s a time of day for me when I do feel and present, even if, In my mind, the house is a mess or whatever, that it still is like, Oh, we’re going to be okay.
Like we were okay right now. So that could be a good time.
Monica: And typically during that time, what kind of things happen?
Tash: We all sit down and eat lunch together for the most part, right? As much as littles can do that and stay at the table. And so that I feel like that’s a fun time for us that, my littles just chatter to me and tell me fun things or they’re coming up with ideas or we’re playing an animal guessing game or things like that, that it’s just simple.
It’s just a simple time. But we’re all there together and in a way they’re contained, right? Cause we’re. Trying to stay at the table and to eat. And I guess maybe I would say that we’re like, we’re all focused on the same thing.
Monica: Sounds like a really connective
Tash: more. Yeah. Maybe that’s why it feels more calm is because we’re not all going different directions.
We’re all connected and focused on a common thing.
Monica: Okay. And as part of this, after lunchtime is over, do you have a pretty typical routine or is that the thing we Can work on.
Tash: Yeah. That’s what we could work on. From there, we don’t, it’s not like we do something the same every time right after lunch, but. It could be. This is so good because I think I’ve never sat and thought, I wonder what’s so great about lunchtime. So this is just so good to talk and to think about those things.
Thank you.
Monica: I’m glad for that because if we can pinpoint one part of why that feels so calm is it’s regulating to connect to other people. And that feels really good. That’s good for our bodies. It’s good for our minds and it’s good for our relationships, but where the rubber meets the road in the later afternoon is when those reserves are low.
And so right now it seems like that lunchtime is a great way to recharge the connections with your girls. I think what’s missing is a recharge to yourself.
Tash: Okay.
Monica: And so this is going to look different for each person. I’ll just say for me, it’s quiet by myself or some form of being able to do my own thing.
Even if there’s other noise going around me, it’s not like my children are not allowed to make noise or be in the same room as me, but having a moment to claim as my own, whether that’s an interest I’m claiming. That’s just why I like making sourdough so much. It’s just like my moment claim for me, although they’re trying to get in on the action.
So I’ve got to learn how to make that be okay too. But whether it’s a moment or like an activity, or it’s even just stillness and not doing things, how does it sound to you about that being part of the puzzle here that we need to piece together? Reconnection
Tash: I would say that’s definitely missing that I really don’t feel like there is a me moment in the day.
Monica: Now here’s where it gets a little tricky. One, because there are a couple of balls we’re juggling here. And one is lunch cleanup and your girls, which is no small responsibility. Sometimes. As part of creating a routine, we have to create another routine to support that one.
And you might find yourself needing to have a routine for after lunchtime that helps your girls become occupied or do having their own quiet time, or like listening to a book in another room. Or maybe that’s the time where you decide to have their screen time for the day, whether it’s watching a show or doing a learning app, I don’t whatever, if you don’t do those, that’s fine too in their room, listening to music or coloring or something like that.
Might help to support a routine for yourself. What’s that bring you up for you? As I mentioned that.
Tash: Yes. A whole lot of yes. I think that could really help. I think in a way it would like prolong the calm, that we’re feeling at lunch and I feel the same way that I sometimes feel like I need a break from them. I think they need a break from me, whether or not they think they want it or need it.
And that could be a great time. That could be a time to say Hey, this is just your time and I have one who loves to color and one who loves to just look at books. And so that could be like your time, go do something for you while mom does something for her. And then, and they need a break from each other too, especially
where we’re just all together all the time and I think telling myself that’s not. bad, right? I don’t need to feel guilty about being there for my kids every second of the day, I’m there if something was really needed, but it’s okay to say you don’t need me right now.
That could be a very powerful thing, right? That they’re learning at such a young age. You need to take care of yourself. You need time for you, the same way mom does. And then as you get bigger you’re still gonna need that time. Or when you’re a mom, you’re gonna need that time.
And they’ll be learning, with me, how to do that. And that will set them up so much better in the future.
Monica: So without me trying to get prescriptions, I will say in our family, we’ve called this quiet time and actually my big kids still do it. And they primarily just read in their rooms or play with Legos during that pocket of time. But you can call us whatever you want. Maybe you and your girls can decide together.
This is care time, or this is, they can each call it their own name. This is Sally’s time, whatever, whenever you want to do and just establishing that set expectation and desire together, what this time is for and how we’re going to create it together in a way that feels good.
Instead of it feeling like a banishment to separate rooms. So that actually might be the place to start is as having that little together time with your girls. I’m getting clear on after lunch. This is what we’re going to do. We’re going to have a special time. What makes you feel like yourself?
What are, maybe that’s too far past their ability to understand, but maybe it’s like, what makes you feel, do you love what kind of activities help you feel good when you’re doing it by yourself? And having a list of those go tos and then walking them through what this looks like. And now here’s the pieces to the puzzle that I know I can help you with, because this is not a prescription.
It’s going to be so different for each of your girls, what, how they spend their quiet time and in turn, how you get to spend your quiet time. And we’re going to get to that too in a moment, but to me, what we need is just the routine. So it’s spending your quiet time might be the same as there’s, there might be some flexibility in there.
You might do a different thing each day. Maybe one day you just need to lay down on a bed. And just be totally quiet. Maybe another day you need to get on Marco Polo and connect with a friend. Maybe another day you want to watch a show or another time you want to dig into an interest or take that online class that you’ve been interested in so you can have some flexibility and they can too.
But what we want to help you with is creating that routine of after lunch. This is what we do. So that’s where I can help you with the habit part to this. Okay. So you alone are going to figure out what do we do during this time. And what it looks like for the girls too, and yourself and having those options.
So after lunch you said you’d sit down to eat together, which is really lovely. I think it’s so great that you do that. What’s the cleanup look like? Or is there cleanup? Are the dishes just go in the sink, which is totally awesome. Is there, or is there more to it? I’m just trying to
Tash: So our when they’re done, they put their plate in the sink. And that signals to us that they’re done. They can get down from the table, and that’s the norm. Like they know that I’ll say, are if they’re already done down and playing and they haven’t cleaned up their plate, I can say, Oh, are you done?
How will I know that you’re done? And then that triggers the, they put their own plate in the sink. And so that’s about as far as cleanup goes
Monica: That’s
Tash: at lunch.
Monica: No, I’m saying you are well, like you’re already doing this. This is great. Okay. So now we have a really clear, already established habit that we can attach the new habit to. And this habit is actually a routine. So routines are stacks of habits together during a certain time of day.
So for you,
Tash: that.
Monica: it’s a putting our plates in the sink. It’s walking to our separate rooms or wherever their space is that they’re allowed to go during their time. And it’s. Choosing activity they want to do and then doing it. And then when the time is done, we might want some kind of signal to denote this is the end of that time, whether it’s you calling down the stairs or maybe you have a little bell you can ring or something like that to signal the end of the time.
And that’s the full routine. And for you, it’s like whatever you do during your quiet time too. So normally starting a whole new routine is. Is pretty tough because it’s a series of new habits. And if they’re all new, that’s a lot. So let’s make this more doable for you and how, where, how you’re going to start and how you’re going to build towards ideal.
So the ideal we just said, okay, that’s the ideal routine. Now let’s start with what you can do in the beginning, and this will also become your worst of day version of this routine. So what’s the simplest way you can all have, I’m just going to call it quiet time right now. You can call it whatever you want.
When you talk to your girls, what’s the simplest version of having just some time, your girls alone, you alone after lunch, what could that look like on your worst of day? Maybe you have appointments to go to, or you’re not feeling too great. Yeah.
Tash: I think just even just five minutes. Alone.
Monica: Yeah.
Tash: horrible, doesn’t it? Five minutes totally alone,
Monica: for you, no problem. And for your girls too, that could work.
Tash: yeah, I think, the easiest would just be everyone in their own rooms, five minutes. I feel like that could be really doable, even on the worst of days that they could figure out something to do for five minutes in their room, hopefully.
And I could just have a breather,
Monica: so what you just shared is how you’re going to start this routine with them and yourself. So now we have a clear habit we’re going to connect the new one too. So I call that a one, then pairing when I, then I, the, when is the already established habit of when we place the dishes in the sink, then we will go to our own rooms and spend five minutes for ourselves. Okay. And then you’re gonna have another one then pairing when the five minutes are up, then you can decide what will happen, but I would do something that makes it feel like we did it. What are you like, play like a song on your phone that they all love as a way to signal. This is the end of special time, a quiet time, and now we can come back together and read a book together.
Like something connecting again, or something fun, like we’re going to go to a park or we’re going to get out of the house and get into a little kiddie pool, having something like that. How does that sound to you?
Tash: Awesome. I can’t wait. I want to rewind the day so it can be lunchtime and we’ll just do it right now.
Monica: So this is what you’ll do with your girls. You’ll chat about your quiet time, what it’s for, what they want it to look like. You’ll also create a little list of what are the activities they are allowed to do during this time? So they know it, you know it, and then you walk through that one, then pairing that begins that whole minute.
Since it’s a smaller routine, I think you’re still safe to start with the routine, but have them pretend this is just practicing. Okay. You’re practicing the routine and this is outside of the setting. This might be after dinner or. In the morning or something, you say, let’s pretend we’re sitting down at lunch.
Ah, you like model it. And you guys are all pretending to eat. And then you’re like, now, what do we do? We’re done eating. And then you just walk through it with them. They literally walk through the routine with you. They put their dishes in the sink and then they go to their rooms and they’re like, probably going to be teetering and like laughing a little bit, because it.
It’s make believe,
They do their five minutes. You do the song or whatever it is you’re going to do to announce the end of quiet time and you come back together and you like jump for joy. Go through that, practice that with them outside of the normal lunchtime routine so that when it happens, their brains and their bodies remember
Tash: Yeah.
Monica: when I put my Dish in the sink, then I go to my room and get to read my very special book, or I get to listen to that awesome audio book that I always love to listen to.
I’m like trying to think about this teddy bear one that kids always love that I only get to listen to during that time. And it just feels so special. Or I get to work in that little craft color by number book that I think is so fun. So that’s where we start. Ideally we want this to work up to like, how much time do you think ideally
Tash: I’m not sure.
Monica: it can be flexible to depending on your day.
Tash: Yeah. I feel like if there was like something I wanted to get done in that time that 20 to 30 minutes sounds like bliss, so it might even just be, an experiment as we get it, as we get it going to see, oh I want this much time or that was a very long time for them or me or, and yeah, to, allow it to be flexible until we see what’s working.
Because, right now I’m like hours. I want it to be hours long.
Monica: And without
Tash: day, if we can get to the point where it’s every day, I’m probably not going to keep feeling that way. I’ll be able to say, Oh, yeah, 15 minutes was great today. And so I think that will be a place that I will have to figure it out as we go,
Monica: And two things with that is when I want you to have a vision, so you know what you’re working towards and what you’re building up to. Not that you have to have a 30 minute timer, although you could have a timer. I have a great big kids timer that they love to have because they can see like the
Tash: because yeah,
Monica: awesome.
They use that for piano.. So we want the ideal, but also, yeah, we need that built in flexibility because it will take time for them to learn this routine. And it also might take time for you to figure out what to do with yourself during that time where you are saying no to the responsibilities.
Like I am not going to clean that thing up. I’m not going to organize that. I’m not going to answer that email or make that phone call. This is my time too. It’s going to be a learning process for all of you. So have that ideal in mind, let’s say 30 minutes, but honestly, your ideal could be longer than that, especially as your children get older or they get into this better and they’ve learned this skill, but we’re going to start with that baseline.
And that’s what I call the worst of day version where you can start with that five minutes for them and for yourself and gradually learn the skill and get that time to increase. That’s called maximizing your baseline is what we’ll do there. We’re making more of it
Tash: Yeah.
Monica: Okay. So with this, my next question for you is, do you know what you want to do during that time?
Is that something you need help with? Cause some women do, I don’t know what to do with that time.
Tash: Yeah, I think I’m maybe in the middle that I feel like I have some things that I’m like, Oh, I would really enjoy sitting down and reading a book, like my own book, right? Not Sam can run. And reading my own book or I play the cello and I just don’t get to play it anymore and maybe that’s my time to sit and play the cello for a minute or,
Monica: That sounds lovely.
Tash: I, so I think I have a few ideas, but nothing like concrete,
Monica: That’s actually where I want you to start. Start with what seems familiar, but also enticing. So that way it doesn’t require so much energy. For you to do.
Tash: okay.
Monica: Okay. And over time, you’ll be able to be like, I can explore more. I’m ready to explore what it looks like to do a masterclass online, or I don’t know what it is.
It’s something else that might seem like it’s new. So it requires more energy for you to do. So let’s start with the familiar and the also yeah, this will be
Tash: This would be good for me. Yeah. Filling.
Monica: A way for you to recharge
Tash: Right.
Monica: and you have my permission to even just let that being laying on the couch.
And even if you want to do a five minute scroll of Instagram, that’s allowed, especially when it’s chosen, that can be a really great break, especially when it’s chosen. And so not when you’re trying to avoid the afternoon
Tash: Intentional, right?
Monica: Yeah, intention is the key there. So funnily enough, I feel like we, we jumped around, but I also think we made sense of where we’re headed with this.
Tash: I feel like we really did, yeah.
Monica: Okay. What do you want to take away from this conversation that we’ve had?
Tash: I loved the when then pairing, which I’ve heard you talk about so many times, right? But, different when you’re putting yourself into it, or when you’re putting it right into your life. And seeing that we already have a few habits we’re pretty consistent with. And, Using those for our when, then, pairing, right?
. And I loved when you said that a routine is just a stack of habits. And I don’t know, I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought about it that way before. This routine kind of sometimes seems like you need a magic wand to make it happen kind of thing.
But when you said it that way, I was like, Oh, wow that’s going to be doable. We can stack one more little thing onto this to help us. Help us find the routine or the pace or I don’t know, whatever you want to call it to, to get through the day, to not just feel like we’re getting through, but to live the day, and to find that thing or things or whatever it is that can fill me, that can recharge me so that I can show up as a better mom, and if that means taking 30 minutes. To myself, so I can show up the rest of the day. I think that’s such a better way.
That’s so much more effective than being half the mom. I want to be for the whole day.
Monica: And that’s part of what I hope you can teach your daughters both through modeling, but also transparently, like just say we all need our own time to reset. You can even get out a battery and make an object lesson out of it if you want, like how some, your phone battery, your phone needs to be recharged, or maybe a toy they like to play with.
These will be recharged. I need that. And I think you need that. And having that deeper why behind it will be. Instrumental for the times where after one minute, they come back to you and say, mom, I’m bored or mom, I need you. And that’s when you need to be really firm for at least those first five minutes as you’re getting them to learn the skill is it’s my time and it’s your time, and this is what we do and having rewards built in place, make it feel really good innately with what they’re doing, you’re doing, and also when they do it well, make it all feel really good.
So with all being said, Two quick things I want to take note of and not talk an hour on, even though I totally could. One, expect this to not go well, it will take time to learn. So don’t lose hope either in yourself and in your girls. They are capable and you are capable of doing this and just might take some time and you’ll get there actually sooner than you think, especially if you start with that baseline and you practice together and together, you’ve come up with these things.
Tash: Yeah.
Monica: The second thing is even if you’ve done a good job and it’s working and you’re up to your ideal of a half an hour a day, you still might have afternoons. Where your energy’s gone. Okay. And your regulations gone too. That’s when you can step in with another one, then pairing. And it can be as simple as when I feel dysregulated, like when I feel snappy, when I feel like that mom tantrums coming up then, and you can insert a regulating small habit to help you in the moment.
Sometimes it doesn’t have to be routine. It can just be in the moment. This is what I do for me. It’s always the deep breath. I forget this.
Tash: I need
Monica: but most often, this is what helps me is when I’m feeling overstimulated, then I’ll take a deep breath, and that allows me the time and space to be able to insert more choice instead of reacting.
Even if that choice is children, I need time to myself
Tash: to walk away
Monica: going to this room instead of being like,
Tash: Yes.
Monica: and get out of here, which we all experienced. So I hope I can say those two things. So that way you don’t feel defeated when either of those happen. And sometimes in
Tash: Yeah. Thank you.
Monica: you got this.
Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate your time.
Tash: Thank you.
Monica: Okay. That was awesome.
