Declutter the “shoulds” from your life so you AND your family can thrive!
Do you feel like you are carrying so much more than you have the strength, time, and energy for? And because of that, have you forgotten how to make time to be YOU as you shoulder your responsibilities as a mom?
On this week’s episode, Rachel Nielson shares how she felt spread so thin in motherhood that she became lost. Thanks to her romanticized view of motherhood, Rachel was chasing alllll of the shoulds instead of making room for HERSELF as a mom.
Rachel realized while decluttering her house that her motherhood needed some major deep cleaning too.
In this episode, Rachel will share how to simplify the shoulds you carry as a mom so that you can find more time, space, and energy to be YOU in your motherhood. Not only will this help you feel better in your motherhood, it’ll bless the whole family. Why? Because they’ll have “Mom” back!
If you need a place to start, listen in to hear Rachels’ tips, including her amazing “scripts” of what to say when you remove a to-do from your life.
Want to be a more fulfilled mom? You can! Join us in simplifying away the shoulds and make more room for YOU in motherhood.
About a few other things…
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TRANSCRIPT
Monica: Welcome to About Progress again, Rachel.
Rachel: Well, thank you so much for having me. This is a real treat, getting to talk to one of my best friends on her podcast. So pretty fun.
Monica: Well, that makes me feel good. So Rachel, we have become really good friends, but also I have learned a tremendous amount from you over the years. Not only just how to be a good friend, because you are a phenomenal person to be a friend with, and I hope people know that; but also just how you show up to your life and how you are so authentically you, and how that has translated to all areas of your life, including motherhood.
Today we’re going to talk about a topic that I think resonates with what women are facing right now. They’re just spread so thin.
Rachel: Yeah. Oh yeah. Right.
Monica: They’re just overwhelmed by expectations and shoulds and what it means to be a “good mom,” and how these unrealistic expectations just set us up for failure because either we do it all and we have achieved that status as being a good mom, or we feel like we do nothing and it means we’re nothing.
When in the past have you been so spread thin as a mom? And how did that get in the way of you being able to show up to motherhood as YOU.
Rachel: Yeah, I think in my early motherhood, I had a lot of preconceived notions about what motherhood would be like as well as what I would be like as a mother. And I had sort of dreamed about how I would be this mom that loved being home with my kids, that planned all these creative adventures all the time, that savored every moment and snuggled.
And part of that is because I went through infertility to get my babies. And so I just, this long battle and I really romanticized during that long battle, what it would be like. And a lot other parts of it might be, you know, the religious culture that I grew up in that really honors motherhood, which is a great thing.
But I had taken that to mean that I would need to be like the quintessential perfect nurturing mother, whatever that even means. And so in my first few years of motherhood, I’d say probably my first five years or so. I was trying to meet an ideal that wasn’t me. Like you said. My unique gifts, my interests weren’t. Being used daily and motherhood, because I was squashing. Some of those things, I’m thinking that they weren’t like righteous enough or good enough to be a good mom. And it was after about five years that I was super depressed and didn’t like, motherhood. Didn’t like myself. I loved my kids, but I didn’t love any of the rest of it.
And I just realized something’s got to change and I’ve got to bring myself back into my motherhood. And simplify and declutter my life, like cut out all the stuff from my life that doesn’t fit me and make room for me again. And my unique gifts and talents.
Monica: Hmm. Well, as you were speaking, I was thinking about how we set women up to fail as moms, because motherhood is both romanticized and idealized. It’s just impossible to meet those extremes. So like you said, you, you learned how to, to stop and to declutter and to simplify and how that started with you and, and also bled to other things in your life.
Like maybe how you managed your household, what you, how you chose to. Different things with your kids. I mean, how did, how did that play out? Let’s go into that a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah. Well, one of the things, I mean, interestingly, that I was like aching to do was start a podcast. I wanted to teach. I had been a high school English teacher before, and I really missed that part of, of me.
I was feeling a call to like work I wanted to work. I just was so resistant to the idea of working as a mom outside of the home. And so I sort of allowed myself to pursue it because it was a hobby. And then over time it’s grown and it’s become a business and my work and, guess what? I have never been happier.
And my family and my kids have never been happier. This thing that I was so afraid would harm my motherhood has only blessed my motherhood and has given me life and vibrancy and joy back.
But that did mean that I had to make some decisions of what I was going to let go of. Some of the expectations of myself of the type of mom I was going to be as well as some like actual day to day life things that I decided to let go of, and delegate. I am so glad that I decluttered the shoulds from my life so that I could add in some stuff that really fit me, that I really loved. And it’s made all the difference.
Monica: I’m so glad you spoke to that fear because I think we all do that. It’s not even just, if we decided to go back to work or to go to school, even if it’s something as simple as taking a walk for ourselves, you know not making a homemade lunch or a dinner.
Or leaving laundry unfolded, and just taking 10 minutes to read a book, like even down to the small ways. I see this woman all the time. We are afraid that if we thrive, that comes at the sacrifice of our families thriving. And you’ve discovered the reverse is true. And so have I. And even though our podcasts are for different purposes, your yours are more about motherhood and mine are more about self development.
We actually cross over in the same way of helping moms learn how to thrive so that everything and everyone around them can also thrive too.
Rachel: Yes, absolutely. And I think we both had a very similar experience where when we allowed this love and gift for teaching, that we both have back into our lives, it gave us so much back that was missing when our lives were too packed with other things. That we weren’t allowing ourselves to do these things that were really important to us.
Monica: And of course, you know, we’re going to say, you can always start so small. Take that walk, leave the laundry undone. To make room for yourself, you need to let go of some things. You need to declutter the shoulds, you need to simplify your life. And that’s where I want to spend the rest of our conversation is helping women learn how to do that. Because a big part of putting yourself back on your list, to prioritize yourself again, is letting go of things that you have on your list right now.
And that’s hard for women to do. So before we dig into some practical ways they can do that, it seems like the best way to start is getting really clear about what you want, like what your values are. Any advice on that, because you have taught about this for years in your “Declutter Your Motherhood Workshop,” which is phenomenal. So where do you suggest women start to get that clarity before they go into.
“Let’s take this off the list…”
Rachel: Like nuts and bolts of decluttering their lives?
Monica: Yeah. Yeah.
Rachel: First of all, I want to say that you, you are the reason that workshop exists because you invited me to speak at an event that you did. And then it grew, like I expanded it out into this full blown workshop and it all started with you inviting me to speak on this. So thank you for that.
Monica: That makes me so happy. But honestly, that’s where I sat in awe. I sat in awe the entire time.
Rachel: Well, the metaphor that I brought that day, that I have since expanded out, was decluttering your life like it is a closet. And the reason why that was on my mind so heavily is I had just weeks before had a friend come to my home who was a professional organizer. And she helped me go through and organize all of my physical belongings. We did every drawer, closet, and counter; it was amazing. And I just realized that so many of the principles that she was teaching me about organizing a physical space could apply to organizing a mental space or an emotional space.
And so I brought that to the, to the workshop you put on and taught ladies that the first step to organizing a physical space is to take everything out of it. So if you are organizing a closet or you are organizing your freezer or a drawer, you have to take everything out to get clear on what’s even in there and to sort through it, to decide what you want to put back in.
And prior to this experience, organizing with my friend, every time that I had organized my closet, I had just sort of thumbed through it. And thought, well, “I think I still wear that. I like that still.” I had never had the experience of taking it all out, laying it across the bed and consciously deciding what I chose to put back in, what deserved to go back in because I loved it. It sparked joy for me. It fit me well still. And it was just a much more conscious process.
And so my first step I would recommend to women is to take a really good inventory of your life and clear it out of the closet, basically write it all down. So you have in front of you, a giant list of everything that you’re doing.
And then also maybe a list of everything that you think you should be doing, because all of that is juggling around in your head. It’s junk in your head. It’s clutter. Whether or not you even consciously realize what’s in your closet, you will, once you get it all out on paper and you look at it. That’s when you can start making some decisions about what you actually want in your life and what shoulds, are actually your true desires that you want to continue to pursue. And what you could maybe let go of.
So that would be, I think my first step for women that are in this place where they’re really wanting to simplify is take inventory and make a big brain dump of everything that’s in your mind right now.
Monica: I think it would be super enlightening to do that. And also kind of overwhelming because you realize, oh, not only is this how I spend my time, this is the mental weight that has on me at all times. Yes. And even down to remembering that one child needs a new pair of shoes and carrying the mental way around of knowing when you need to do that. Or clean out their clothes or exchange them for a different season, it’s just.crazy how much is in there. It’s so much stuff. And when women do that. They’ve probably find a lot of, wow, like one, “I am doing so much.” But they also find a lot of, “Wow, why am I doing it all?”
Rachel: Yeah, totally. So you have to ask yourself some questions. When you look at these lists and these lists might take a while for you to really curate. I mean, you can do an initial brain dump, but then I’m guessing you’re going to be adding, you know, throughout the week.
And then maybe at the end of the week, you sit down and you look at them and you ask yourself those questions of. Why is this in here? Is it because I actually want it because it fits me or is it because it was given to me? I inherited it from my family of origin, my religious culture, my friend group, social media, my culture, all these things that have made me feel like this is what a good mother does that I’ve sort of put on the shelf in my closet. And I need to decide whether or not I want those things in my closet. Having that introspection time and realizing where things come from helps you to decide what you want to keep and what you want to let go of.
And actually, probably one of my very favorite episodes on your show you’ve ever done, Monica, is the one you did with Dr. Julie Hanks. And she talked about a very similar thing. It was episode 253 on your show and she said she takes, she makes three columns.
The should that she’s feeling. The origin of the should. Where did that come from? Was it from the example of my mother, from my religion, from my friends, whatever. And then the third column, what do I want to believe about this should? And so you’re kind of separating those things out. And then you can make some conscious decisions about, okay, now that I know this information, what am I going to cut out of my life and how, and that’s where we start to get really practical.
Because it’s easy to be like, oh, well I don’t want to do this or that. And I’m just going to cut them all of my life, but that’s not how life really. You know, a lot of times it takes a little bit more finessing or we have responsibilities that we can’t just like let go of, because we don’t want to do them anymore. So that’s where we can get more practical with it.
Monica: Yeah. I really think a lot of women who, who feel like they go in that crash and burn place, and I think many of us have been there many times, is because they’re afraid of cutting things out. But that’s also because they haven’t gone through this process. It’s almost scary to even go there to see it all laid out, to see the sheer weight of what you’re carrying around.
And it’s scary too. To have to make decisions about it. You actually have to know what do I want? That’s hard for a lot of us.
Rachel: Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. I had a moment recently. I was carrying a whole bunch of packages and I kept dropping them and I thought, okay, there’s a few things I can do with these packages right now.
I can either put some of them down, so that I can continue carrying the ones that I have, or I can ask someone to help me carry these, or I can get like a big bag or box or something and put them all in that and carry that. And I was like, oh, this is exactly like my life as a woman. And like, if I have too much, I can either put some of it down.
I can ask someone to help me or I can systematize my life better so that these things all fit in a system like the box or the big bag. But I can’t just continue trying to carry 55 packages that are falling off and expect that I’m going to make it to the post office. Like that just doesn’t work.
And yet as women, that’s what we are often doing is we’re thinking like, I can, I can get there. I’m sure I can, if I just keep juggling these boxes, but then we collapsed and all the boxes collapse on top of us.
Monica: That is the perfect analogy also, just because, you know, the packages fall down. I mean, that’s your responsibilities. A lot of us think if I, if I take things off my list, then my responsibilities will suffer, but no, the reverse is true when you’re trying to do it al., They all will suffer too. So you’re giving a gift by letting things go. You’re being able to give more.
I like how you gave those filter questions: What can you put down? How can you ask for help? And what can you systemize? Let’s hear examples on this. How has this translated for you or maybe some of the other women who have attended your workshop?
Rachel: I like to give women a bit of a script for if they want to put things down, because I think that that is really hard for us as women. But one thing that I found is just having like a heartfelt script of going to somebody and saying, I’m no longer going to be able to do this thing.
So let’s say you realize you don’t want to be on the PTA anymore, or this doesn’t fit in your life. And I feel like the PTA is such like a stereotypical example, but apply that to anything in your life that you realize you don’t have the bandwidth for anymore.
I would approach that person who’s in charge of you, maybe it’s someone you work with in some capacity and say, “I’ve been taking inventory of my life lately, and I’m not going to be able to continue this responsibility,” or ” My family has some additional needs right now, or I have some additional needs right now.”
However you want to. And say, “This is when I will be stopping.” And unless it’s like a, you know, complete emergency, you can usually give people a couple of weeks or a month or whatever you want to do.
And there’s been a lot of women that have done my workshops that have told me that they have gotten up the courage and had the conversation or sent the email that they wanted to put something down. And that nine times out of 10, people are super respectful and understanding.
And they recognize that family and mental wellness comes first. And so if you want to put something down, I think that’s a good practical kind of script to use for that. .
Monica: I need the words to share also, because as you know, as my friend, I’m an overexplainer. Also a people pleaser. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you have to go really deep and give all the reasonings and, and then try to like apologize constantly. So a script is really helpful.
Asking for help is also equally hard.
Like, I feel like we need to script for that.
Rachel: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yes. Asking me for help is really hard to do. And yes, I have a good script and this one comes from Sara Dean who was our mutual friend from the Shameless Mom Academy. And one thing that I heard Sara say was, she said, ask for support, not permission. And that has stayed with me. So she said, when you are asking for help, especially if it’s from somebody within your family system, I’m thinking specifically about a partner, whocarries as much responsibility as you do for the family to run well. And yet, sometimes we feel bad asking for that help. She said to phrase it as a request for support, not permission.
So that would look going to your partner and saying, “I really need some alone time to go for a run, or call my sister, or write in my journal, whatever it might be. Would you rather that I do that right after you get home from work or after the kids are in bed?”
So you’re not saying, “Can I?” you’re saying “I’m going to… and how can you support me?”
Or another way you could say that is, “Okay, right now we need the kitchen cleaned up and the kids put to bed. “Which would you rather do?”
I don’t mean this at all in like a domineering bossy way, but it’s just a way of not as skiing or begging for permission or help. It’s more of saying this is happening and that way. But how. I want to accommodate your needs too. And that’s something else that I add sometimes to my husband when I go to him, is I say, like on Sundays, I’ll say “I’d like some time to write my journal today. I’m guessing you would like some time to yourself today. How can we make that work?”
So you’re not just saying, “only my needs matter.” You know, you’re saying your needs matter too. And I want to support you, how can we help each other? How can we make that work? And that might look like making a giant list at the beginning of the week of everything that you need to get done.
And, you know, you talked a little bit Monica about the mental load of dislike, another pair of shoes for the kids or everything, like writing it out and bringing it to them and saying, Hey, this is what needs to happen this week for our family. And what can you take on? And then, you know, have that discussion.
Monica: And I can see how that leads to full-on systems too, where you can look at that list and you can see “here, the things that are regularly happening, happening in our family and which of these can we systemize together?
Which of these things can you take over? Which of these things can we simplify or let go of as a family?”
Rachel: I love that you said this leads like the conversation with the spouse or the partner leads to creating systems because absolutely we should be brainstorming and involving our partners in creating more ease in our life and in our family systems.
I’m not, this could be like big overhauls of systems, but it could also just be little things that you just tweak, you know? Miranda Anderson, a friend of ours. She has a minimal meal plan. She talks about where she literally has five meals that she repeats every single week for a season.
You know, a lot of us talk about like, Mondays will be breakfast and Tuesdays will be Italian or whatever, but she’s like, no, even more systematized than that. She has five meals that she rotates and she knows that her family loves them. And she knows how to make them and they’re easy and she just rotates them.
And that’s an example of a really simplified system that you could have in your house. I really want my kids to start helping me around the house more and that’s not natural for them. I haven’t been good about teaching them all along the way. And so it’s a bit of a fight now that they’re older,
Monica: NO judgment here. Brad’s the one who is like, “I think they can tie their own shoes now.”
I’m like, oh yeah, I know, I know. And it’s just like, oh, they can put their own clothes on. Okay. Or put them away or fold them. Yeah. Great.
Rachel: Well, that leads right into my example. I really want my kids to be able to do their own laundry and laundry is actually not that hard.
Like a kid can pour their hamper into the laundry. Pour in the little cup or put in the little pod, turn it on, transfer it to the dryer. But where we would get stopped is the folding and putting away. And my son hates that part. And so I had to decide going back to the declutter your motherhood thing, like is having perfectly folded clothes more important to me or is having somebody else do this job more important to me. And I decided the latter, but I figured out a system for him. He has a dresser that has four drawers in it. I sat down with him and I said, okay, now you have a drawer for shirts. One for socks and underwear one for short sleeves, one for shorts and one for pants. And so you literally pull it out of the basket. You shake it so that it’s not super wrinkled and you lay it in the drawer and there’s enough room. I mean, it’s not very. Like well fold, it’s not a good use of space, you know? Cause it’s not like it fills the whole space, but just having, he can do that.
And so that’s a little system that took something off of me that can work for my son.
Monica: What I love about the system example is that it’s simple. A lot of times when we think about systems, we’re thinking about very complicated,extremely Multi-step. Like Marie Kondo, like systems. “.
You’re like, “no, like Son has to be rolled and then, you know, placed ever such way.” And no, like that’s what the systems are. You still get to choose what that looks like. I would advise women to not go on Pinterest. Yeah. I totally totally systems. Look at your own life and what’s going to work for you.
Rachel: And I think so often we do think, like I need to print out the pretty, the pretty chart with all the different Velcros and lamination, and then we get overwhelmed and we don’t do any of it. I’ve been reading Greg McKeown’s new book effortless, and he talks in there.
His kind of key question is “What if this could be easy.?” And he says like, look at every single task in your life and ask yourself what if this could be easy? What would this look like if this were easy? What would I cut out, streamline if I believed that this was easy, because he says we have this false ,dichotomy in our head where we believe that important equals hard.
And so we decide that anything that is important to us has to be hard and complicated. We’re subconsciously deciding that. So we have to invert that and put it on its head and say, what if the most important things in my life could be easy, it could be effortless? And get really creative about systems that could work for that.
And like I mentioned, brainstorm with people in your life. I think as women, we do things the way that we do them, because we think that’s the only way that it’s done. Or we think that’s the way it’s supposed to be done. And sometimes when we start talking to other women, we realize that there’s lots of really good ways to get things done a lot more efficiently than we do them that we just haven’t even considered yet.
So asking a Facebook group that you’re in, or, you know, a group of moms that you’re with at the park, how do you guys do this, this task at your house and always looking for, how could I make this easy?
Monica: Yes. And, and because when it’s easy, then it’s not going to be another should, it’s going to be something that is something that requires low energy for you. So you can actually do it. And it becomes a habit which actually helps you in the long run. And I had to tell people that this, this was like the most generous way for you to share with us what is truly meant to be like a five hour long workshop. Is that what it is now?
Rachel: I mean, we go into a lot more detail, but yes. Yes.
Monica: Just know that what we did today was just try to introduce this to you or these concepts of one, it’s okay for you as a mom to have fulfillment, it’s okay for you to make room for yourself and your family. And it’s okay for you to let go of things and to simplify. And I think the last thing I want to make sure we hit on is, and you already talked about this, you said I’m happier than ever. Well, what does that mean?
What does that look like? Like what’s on the other side of just getting better at making room for yourself in your own family.
Rachel: Yeah. Well, I think that the important final step that we don’t often think about in organizing physical space is that after we get the clutter out, we there’s room to add in the joy.
So I think sometimes we think that like leaving the space super minimal or empty is the goal, but I don’t think that’s the goal. I think after I inventoried my closet and got rid of all the stuff I didn’t like, I could see, oh, there’s some big holes here in my wardrobe. There’s not much color here. I don’t have anything I’m really that excited about. And I could fill in my wardrobe with the things that fit me, that I loved. I could gather those things.
And it’s also true for a life that after you declutter and get rid of the stuff that doesn’t really matter to you, you can look at it and say, okay, I actually have room now. What, what am I excited to add to my life?
Is there a hobby? Is there a weekly book club I want to do with my friends or a dessert night? Or do I want to go to the park more with my kids, cause I’m no longer home cleaning every square inch, you know, it allows you to bring the joy back. And very much what has happened for me. As I’ve gotten clear on what I wanted to let go of and the guilt and the shame, and even the tasks around my home that I wanted to let go of, I’ve been given space to do those things out of those things I just mentioned that really have brought daily fulfillment and bedtime stories, and I’m not super stressed out and, you know, connecting with my kids and I’m not so done at the end of the day because I’ve built a life that I love so that it can support me and my family.
Monica: And this really goes to the heart of why this all matters. When we have fulfillment, we are bringing ourselves to our families instead of demanding that they prove our worth to us, that they show like we did enough that we’re good enough. Instead we can arrive to it differently.
All right Rachel, if people are listening and they just want to think of one way or they would love one way for them to get started, what would you advise them to do?
Rachel: I would start with that brain dump of shoulds on a piece of paper, because you can’t, like I said, you can’t be clutter or something until you get it all out of the space that it’s in.
So start with the brain, the brain dump, look at it with someone that you love and trust and go through it and decide if there’s things that you can get rid of or modify, but just start by writing it down and looking at it.
Monica: Okay. And this is our #dosomethingchallenge for the week. I can’t wait to see what women come up with and how they relate.
What what’s really on, on their plate, both literally and figuratively to Rachel. This has been so fun. I want to make sure we point the listeners to two things. The first is your mini course that you have right now that’s free. Can you tell them about that?
Rachel: Yeah, I have a mini course that’s all about learning how to love your motherhood as much as you love your kids. And so it’s just a three-day long mini course where I send a tool each day. Helped me to find joy and recapture the magic in my motherhood. So that’s on my website 3in30podcast.com/learn.
Okay, good.
Monica: Yes. We’ll make sure we link to that. Kay. And I think the last thing I want to mention is Podcast U, because as you said earlier, this has been a big source of becoming for you and fulfillment. And same with me. We’ve, that’s been the best thing I’ve done has also been one of the hardest.
And I don’t think I would’ve been able to do it without the things that we’ve learned over the past combined almost nine years together. So tell them about what’s going on with Podcast U.
Rachel: So we are running a big sale this month. And this actually goes back to this, this decluttering your life. Monica and I are both in very, very full seasons of life right now with our families and with our podcasts. And we just realized that our courses about podcasting that we’ve been teaching for the last few years are an additional something that doesn’t fit in our closets right now.
And so we are going to close enrollment to those courses at the end of the month. For a while we don’t know how long, but we really think this is kind of a last chance to get these courses and they are fabulous. We are sad that we have to be, it shows them that we know it’s the best choice for our families.
And, but we want as many amazing women to join us as possible because we will obviously continue to be giving support to the women who are already in the courses. And if you like me, You know, been finding this desire in you that you want to start a podcast or that you have one, but you want to grow it or you want to monetize it.
We would love to help you. Our courses are specifically built around busy moms, how to podcast as a busy mom. So we would love for you to join us at Podcast U. And I think Monica has, we’ll have a coupon code.
Monica: We have 10% off any of our courses. It’s ABOUTPROGRESS. One word, all caps. And I’ll say the last thing on that is.
We give you all of our systems as part of it, we give you behind the scenes. We give you our systems. We give you scripts to use when you’re pitching guests, or when you are asking to go on another show. And when you’re asking someone to sponsor your show. It’s all there for you. And I think that’s probably the biggest connection to what we talked about today. Let us give you what’s worked over our nine years. Almost podcasting.
Rachel: Absolutely.
Monica: Well, Rachel, this has been phenomenal. I also want to make sure people follow you on Instagram and we’ll make sure that’s linked in the show notes as well as your podcast. Tell, tell them where to go for your podcast.
Rachel: So my podcast is 3 in 30 Takeaways for Moms, three takeaways and a 30 minute episode, and I love it. So come hang out with me there.
Monica: It’s the best parenting motherhood podcast out there. And I am biased, but I am speaking the truth. So thanks for taking the time with me friend.
Rachel: Well, thank you. It’s been fun.
