Some (alright, MOST) of my best thoughts come while I’m running.
I remember one run I had a few years ago where it dawned on me that a great many of my weaknesses seem to be anchored in one big one: I care too much about what others think.
I know that shouldn’t have floored me, but it did.
Before that moment, I definitely would have labeled myself as a “people pleaser,” but I don’t know if I would have had the courage to admit that a huge motivation in my life was not necessarily “to be good;” nope, it was in actuality, “to have others think that I am good.”
I have been seeing a good therapist lately who calls me out on my crap. I had forgotten this prior realization about myself. (It turns out, it’s easy to stuff down weaknesses you are ashamed of instead of face them head-on.) Very early in meeting with her, she guided me to see that I have a LOT of work to do on where my motivation is coming from. I felt so embarrassed because even for her I wanted to appear to be a rightly-motivated perfectionist; but after a few days of thinking about it, I knew she was right.
This therapist is also kind, so also early on she threw me a bone and helped me see another big motivating factor underlying my perfectionism is a strong self-hatred. (How’s that for being nice to me? Somehow, that made me feel better.)
When I took her intake test, I was feeling like I was in a pretty good place, compared to other hard times. Sure, I was pregnant with my third child and feeling pretty overwhelmed. I was up half the night with insomnia (and charlie horses), worrying about the world and worrying about my kids. In the middle of the night, I felt pretty inadequate as a mother, a wife, and human being. But those feelings would fade a bit by morning. During the day, I felt fairly stupid because my brain was so foggy. I felt untalented compared to my friends and people on the internet. I often felt a little “blue.”
But I thought that was all mostly normal, because I knew what it felt like to be realllllllly depressed, and I wasn’t that. After all, I was getting out of bed each day, doing my duties, being active with my life, interested in my children, and by all accounts finding moments of real happiness amidst the chaos. I wasn’t starving myself, binging, or exercising to death. I wasn’t wishing for death.
And yet, my therapist’s first comment when we finally met was about how her intake test labeled me as highly depressed.
I know that also shouldn’t have floored me, but it did.
“I’m ‘highly depressed?!'” I asked her, laughing.
The rest of the hour was spent going through the test questions and my answers. Ultimately, we talked about how although my actions weren’t necessarily “highly depressed,” my inner-self definitely was, with my thoughts all cycling around a huge amount of self-hatred.
Woah.
Have you been there? Are you now?
I think this shocked me so much because I thought I had done a pretty good job of becoming a recovering-perfectionist. I felt that a lot of my recent struggles had to do with being fairly numb and apathetic about my life as an effort to stay away from bad perfectionist tendencies. But in truth, I was holding on to a perfectionist mind-set and that was still destroying me from the inside out.
During another run later, I had a helpful realization about that perfectionist mind-set. So much of perfectionism for me is seeing others do something great, healthy, or inspirational and this voice comes on in my head.
It’s the “Should” voice.
I see a young mother really being present with her kids at a fun activity and the voice says, “I should be doing that.” I hear of a friend successfully returning to school: “I should finally start on those college classes.” I read about a woman whose kids prefer playing games over screen time: “I should not let my kids watch any TV ever again.”
“I should do more strength training.” “I should eat less sugar.” “I should read more to my kids.” “I should be a size two.” “I should eat all organic.” “I should have more kids.” “I should dress better.” On and on and on and on.
This is not to say that all “Shoulds” are bad. Healthy “Shoulds” are very necessary in being good citizens, parents, friends, etc. Good “Shoulds” lead to better lives as we all need to be trying to be better and do better. Otherwise, we are missing out on what life is all about.
Perfectionism is when all those “Shoulds” become “Have Tos,” and those “Have Tos” are more motivated by fear (fear of what others think, fear of being a failure) coupled with self-hatred. Give that voice enough presence in your thoughts and few years in the perfectionism incubator, and suddenly you are frantically doing everything in your life at full throttle. And nothing will ever be good enough.
I remember my first real experience with the “Should” voice. I was in 7th grade at the end of our first quarter. We had all received report cards and as we walked from the bus stop home the neighborhood kids were comparing notes. A well-admired girl in my grade got a lot of A’s and people were impressed. I looked down at my report card and felt embarrassed that I had far more B’s than A’s. (There might have been seen some Cs in there.) I admired this girl too; I wanted to be more like her. I can say in hindsight now that I also liked the positive attention she received. (My therapist would be proud!) So I ventured to my first round of letting the “Should” voice direct my actions. Straight A’s it would be from then on.
(Hysterical sidenote: Want to see a crazy transformation? Behold! My 6th and 8th grade photos:)
The fire was kindled. I wasn’t an automatic perfectionist who hated myself right away, but those “Shoulds” definitely turned into “Have Tos” until my life was way out of control.
I am grateful for some “Should” voices, such as my heeding the call for change, listening to the voice saying that I shouldn’t live this way the rest of my life. But I think the key to discovering which “Shoulds” are right and which are wrong is to rephrase them: Change those “Shoulds” to “Coulds.”
“I could do more strength training.”
“I could eat more organic.”
“I could read some parenting books.”
When phrased this way, they become more of a choice. So, if I do decide to incorporate more strength training into my week, it’s for the right reason–my back hurts, weight lifting helps–instead of a “Have to” reason. If I choose to eat more organic, it is because I like the changes I feel when doing so. If I choose to improve my parenting, it’s more out of love for them and for me, than from hatred for myself and my failings.
Paying attention to your thoughts is the first step in any therapy, I’m sure; that’s certainly been the case with me. It’s also darn exhausting. Experience has shown me it gets easier in time and with a lot of practice. Although it’s very easy to slip back to the little “Should” voice, it is one of the best things I’ve learned to resist. It makes all the difference.
I love this! A few weeks ago I had an "aha" conversation with one of my dearest wisest friends and we came to this conclusion. That when you're "shoulding" yourself it sucks the happiness and desire out of life!!! It is so much healthier and happier to separate the should from the could, and then *choose* where YOU want to put your effort. Loving your blog! I can relate so very much!
Monica, what talent you have for articulating your inner thoughts! Keep it up. Your honesty and candor is refreshing and enlightening. Seriously, reading them is a highlight of my day. I so appreciate the time and effort you spend on this.
Monica. I love everything about this. I would also love to hear more about this strength training. It's so funny because when I hear that term I automatically picture like pictures and videos of girls on instagram drinking green smoothies and looking uber fit, but I think what I want is just to not have my back hurt too! If you ever have more feelings about your strength training or what is working for you, please write about it, I want to hear it! I'm not interested in going on some diet or revolutionizing my work out life, I just want some thoughts from someone who is trying a few exercises :), so thanks for writing, I am so enjoying it.
Yes! Thank you for all the effort and time you put into writing this. I love it all so much! I love the genuine tone that shines through your words.
i love all your insights, and also the insight of your therapist.
So true! And I love the you have friends to talk about with this. Friends are everything. Thank you, Alyson!
Erin, you are such a cheerleader! I am so grateful for you. Truly grateful!
Thanks, Whit! I totally agree with you. If I'm not going to be in a bikini competition (read: never!), then it almost feels like I can't hang with legit girls who really know what they are doing! But seriously, my back hurts. So much. I don't have many tips beyond that I have followed a few girls on instagram (muncher cruncher being one of them) who shows you simple moves. They know what they're doing, so I can mimic their form without further ruining my back, but they're simple enough for me to simple pull up while I'm already at the gym and blindly choose three of the moves. I'll never be hard core about them, but it really is helping already! Another thing is Barre3. I subscribe to their online workouts (it's for a fee, which is something I decided was a good choice in the middle of the night while nursing newborn Dean), but I can do them anywhere and they have all these different types, including different times you can choose from. That's all I got! I feel like you could answer your own question better than me!
Thank you, Heidi! You've always been such a good supporter of me and I love you.
She is very wise. Glad I finally took it up again!
Great thoughts. I loved the "could" vs. "should". Auntie Jill
You are amazing Monica!
Yes.
Thank you Auntie!
Thank you, Auntie as well! Look how amazing my family is!
One word and I get you. Thanks, Katie!
Loving this. And it's so crazy because I started reading a book a few weeks before you started your blog, but both your blog and my reading of the book keep overlapping. I think maybe I'm really *REALLY* supposed to get this message and a higher power is making sure it really gets through. 🙂 The book I'm reading just discussed the danger and misery that comes from shoulds and pointed out there are really only three valid shoulds:
(1) Moral (We shouldn't kill/commit adultery/etc.- obviously those are the extreme examples)
(2) Legal (We should claim all our income on a tax return)
(3) Laws of the Universe (Gravity should make things we drop fall to the ground)
The rest of the stuff is really just the coulds. Now the place where I get myself into trouble are the moral shoulds. I (wrongly) think healthy habits / good parenting techniques are a should. And it's hard because I would argue some parenting techniques like having love and charity are shoulds. But we're not meant to be perfect in this life. So I think at a minimum, if I use a "should," I had better add a little more context like, "I should gradually work towards becoming x and will hopefully perfect that in the next life." 🙂 In this life, I think I really don't need to worry about many of those semi-moral shoulds, since trying my best is all I can do. And I'm going to do that naturally, without "should-ing" and worrying myself to death.
The biggest breakthrough I've had lately is that I rely way too much on myself and not enough on the Lord. And I wasn't taking advantage of all the blessings that come from having the fruits of the Spirit. So rather than trying to do everything perfectly all the time (and wearing myself out physically and emotionally in the process), I've focused on trying to be more worthy of the Spirit. And it's awesome because all I've really had to do was go back to studying my scriptures everyday (which helps me on a daily basis anyway), and clean up my media (tv/music–it's so hard to find good tv these days). Anyway, those two small things and I feel like I've gotten such a huge return on having the Spirit present in my life more to give me more wisdom as to what I can/can't control and serenity about those things I can't. And it's awesome. In terms of value out for payment in, having the Spirit is like the Black Friday deal of the Universe. 🙂
Sorry to make this so long. I'm basically doing workbook exercises on your blog. 🙂
I am now a subscriber to your blog 🙂 I have told Taylor many times that I think I need a therapist. Not joking, but totally serious. I have always battled anxiety. Sometimes it runs my life if I don't pay close attention to the triggers. Other times it isn't so bad. My trigger is fear. Not fear of failure per say, but the "What if's". If I get going down that road, my kids end up dead in my head. I haven't done that in a while because I stopped watching the news and reading Facebook articles. Pretty much anything negative. Taylor can keep me informed with the world news and what I really need to know right!? When I was pregnant with Rad, I think my anxiety was the worst it has ever been. That is one reason why I am done having kids. I am at peace with it. But I was literally crazy. I knew I was, but I couldn't stop it. In my head, I was sure that Rad was going to die shortly after birth or be severely disabled. I think I have kind of trained myself to walk through, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" come to grips with it and then the pit in my stomach starts to go away. I'm not sure that is a really good way to cope, but it generally works for me. ANYWAY, thank you for sharing this post. I can really relate to you. Interesting how we have had such different life experiences, but the feelings can be the same.
This is so awesome! I'm definitely going to start thinking this way more and it might help with my anxiety. And can I just say Holla for a good therapist? I kid you not, I went to like 3 before I found out that I felt I really clicked with and could be honest with. It was a while ago but she was awesome and I am still so grateful that I found her. Great post!
This is my third as well, so I guess third time is indeed the charm! I wish people would not be so afraid to go in the first place, but also more open about how helpful it is. However, I do wish it didn't cost so dang much.
That means so much! I think you're my first subscriber!
And Kali, reading your comment was like reading what I've been dealing with. The kids getting hurt/dying is always on my mind–BIG TIME–as is the conviction that something terrible is bound to happen. I'm telling you, I didn't think I would have qualified as "depressed" or battling chronic "anxiety," just because I have been worse in the past. Therapy is dang expensive, but I'm telling you it is absolutely worth the cost, even if you're just on the fence. If anything, it'll help you get over a bump and then you can say your'e ready to move on.
Good advice on how to move on from those thoughts, including knowing when to stop having children. Some days, I think I could be done, just for the sake of being mentally sound and being able to be a good mother to them; but most days, I think I have maybe one more pregnancy in me. Who knows!
OK, I've been thinking about this comment all weekend, in addition to your Facebook post about your goal to simply focus on the Spirit. That's a game changer! Really, what you've said is exactly why I needed to get through to me. We're kind of meant to be right now! I need to read that book, so can you share?
I'm so glad you're getting a good return on the Spirit being more present in your life. I've really really struggled with that the past five years. It has felt that the heavens have been closed for a long while, despite me checking off all the boxes to be worthy of the daily influence of the spirit. I'm still sticking with it, but your comment reminded me that on top of making it a priority in my life, I also need to work on being more open, more believing that God can guide me (and is guiding me), even when I have a very difficult time seeing it or feeling it.
Please continue with your workbook exercises! They're making all the difference for me.
So, how do you subscribe to your blog. I am clueless about that. Maybe I click the notify me thing?
Don't you love a good therapist? I know I love mine. The best ones are the ones who are willing to challenge you – glad you are doing it, and this blog!
Don't you love a good therapist? I know I love mine. The best ones are the ones who are willing to challenge you – glad you are doing it, and this blog!
I'm not even sure myself!!! Let me look into it.
Amen! I'm so grateful for her because she really gives me that mirror to myself, but in a gentle way.